How to stop being self-conscious in public: social anxiety

“You’ll never be more socially free than when you realize nobody is paying attention to you”

A lot of people know the feeling of becoming self-conscious when they find themselves alone in social settings. You become aware of yourself, often feel awkward, or start worrying how you might look to others. We can use the beliefs in the Social Anxiety Equation to find a way to reduce this anxiety. Several of the beliefs are potentially helpful, but here I focus mostly on the exaggerated belief that people will notice that you’re alone and that they will think that reveals something flawed about you.

In this video, we’ll talk about:

0:00 - “I feel like all eyes are on me…”
0:27 - Good questions to ask to reduce the anxiety
1:12 - The Spotlight Effect
2:08 - Personal experiments to test how noticeable we are
2:32 - Are you more interesting than everything else?
3:19 - What drives this belief that we’re noticeable?
4:13 - What to do to be less self-conscious

I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.

QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.

MY BOOK

ONLINE GROUP THERAPY
I’m co-leading an online self-compassion group with Marianne Stout, PhD. Open to TX residents.

ONLINE THERAPY
I'm not currently accepting new patients for online therapy.

INSTAGRAM

PODCASTS
📱 Subscribe and Listen to the Anxious in Austin Podcast here::

My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.

PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room. do I

[Em-gjsg]

My anxiety centers around being unattractive and being judged for my looks. I spend hours every day thinking about my looks or looking in the mirror.

[Thebeach]

You speak as if you are one of us; the socially anxious and awkward people. I am so glad your channel popped up on my feed. You speak on my level and not like an intimidating observer looking at me through a microscope. Thank you.

[johnshanahan]

When I focus on other people around me, sometimes it makes me more self conscious depending on the situation. For example, when I walk down the street and focus on people walking towards me (maybe because that means I look at them and am therefore anticipating them looking back), compared to walking down the street and ignoring the people or being in my own world. Or if i walk past a bar where people are drinking outside, looking at the people can make me feel less self conscious if I see that nobody is noticing me, or more self conscious if I see someone looking at me or anticipating that they will (I'm quite tall), in which case I can just pretend people aren't there and feel less self conscious. But in conversation if I try to focus fully on what people are saying then I get less self conscious.

So it's not always simple to know what to do. But one thing is for sure...if I force myself to do something that make me a bit uncomfortable (like looking at people walking towards me) then over time I get used to it.

[ovidiudrobota]

I was toxically shamed since my inception — but unfortunately — I didn't know what it was. I'm painfully self-conscious among people, especially when I interact with them. I have social anxiety, and when I'm about to meet some people, I almost faint (it's similar to a panic attack). I can't make eye contact without making me self-conscious and awkward. I would love to be social, but something within doesn't allow me. I struggle with 'what to say' — whatever I say to people feels forced. Excessively forced. Talking on the phone makes me uncomfortable until I ease into it — it takes about thirty minutes (and sometimes one hour) to become comfortable. I don't understand what's wrong with me and how I ended up there. Both of my parents abandoned me. My father was a violent alcoholic (I was harshly beaten by him for no reason), and my mother was anxious and depressed; she was very distant emotionally. Sometimes I feel like giving up — that toxic sense of shame is so powerful and persistent (I can't explain it).

[Corriethosaurus]

Soon I am planning on going to the gym for the first time. I've struggled with social anxiety for a long time and the thought of going makes me want to curl up into a ball! Thank you so much for this, I'll probably be listening to it again before I go!

[winnerokpe]

Please my fellow socially anxious let me just tell you the truth, forget about all this fancy techniques for you to heal from... you just need confidence, self love, self understanding and mastery. It all starts with you looking inward being honest with yourself, cause I think deep down we know what the problem is, identify it and work on it... Peroid

[sfrealestatedealmaker]

My personal experience is thru weight loss and fitness. The more fit I became the more confidence I acquired the less anxiety I had.

Get to the gym, eat healthy, it definitely works. 🏆

[Thebeach]

I’ve tried this technique. It’s very difficult. I just want to remove myself from the situation.

[iMoRpHz]

the beginning of the video was great, toward the end it became a bit of a contradiction. if you’re self conscious, your method is to not process yourself but other things including people around you. So if someone watched your video, and took your advice of processing other things than themselves, they’re watching other things maybe including you, which means they’re paying attention to you now, which indulges anxiety because now I’m noticing they’re indeed looking and watching me instead of focusing on themselves. So your answer is to judge other things? I don’t judge anybody else, not even for a second. I’m not gonna look around the room and see “who’s the happiest.” Because they might not even be happy in reality. That’s judgement. That’s judgement.

[shannonwilliams]

I’ve been doing exposure therapy for a few years.Ive been going to Lowe’s hardware store with my therapist for 2yr.We just walk around and try to make me okay being around people in public.He wonts me to take the next step and ask for help looking for something.I understand you have to move up and expose yourself.But I feel my guard up and i feel if I let it down than am opening up to let someone judge me .Than if that happens I get mad at myself for letting myself open up ..You need you guard to protect yourself.You never know what could happen.I love your thoughts!Thanks !

[opencurtin]

I have noticed people eye balling me in public Id look away and id then look back and they'd be still observing me likeI was a freak it unnerves me and makes me very self conscious, I've also seen groups of people sitting at an other table in a cafeteria laughing and looking in my direction like as if they were talking about me and mocking me it makes me very uncomfortable,

[johnnyguitar]

great video, thanks for posting, but cmon, the example of yelling FIRE at a library going unnoticed in amerika? lol

[davidb.]

Really good video!
Isn't looking at your phone in these kind of situations considered a safety behavior?
I find myself pulling out my phone when I feel awkward in public, and that usually doesn't help at all :D

[winny-razzy]

What causes social akwardness and how to heal it...?

[ButerWarrior]

hey doctor, I was wondering your thoughts on “best seller” books on social dynamics like “the art of seduction”, “the 48 laws of power”, and “how to win friends and influence people”

I read these when younger. But now that I’m in college, I realize that none of these claims are empirical. So it’s possible for a lot of it to be pseudo psychology

I’m curious to know what advice or tips are BS and which merit truth

would appreciate a video on this (lots of average joes interested in social dynamics read these books)