Jordan Peterson: The Dangers Of Being Too Agreeable

[TheGoodContent]

My Mexican grandma taught me about this years ago with an old Mexican saying: "if you pass yourself as a mat everyone will step on you".

[jprt]

"Wired to be exploited by infants." It's blunt, and it stings, but it sums it up well.

[JediNiyte]

I cannot tell you how much I need this right now. I can wrestle, I can box, but I CANNOT handle a verbal fight with friends or family. It reduces me to infancy in less time than it takes to say it.

[vyassathya]

Really wish I watched these videos before I had to learn all of this the hard way

[exitpursued]

I'm a woman who grew up in the USA, and by a combination of nature and nurture, fit the paradigm of "agreeableness" to a T. This talk made me identify this particular trait as the source of a lot of problems and stress in my life, and prompted me to take action against my agreeable nature when I recognize that it's working against me.

Of course, being agreeable is sometimes to your benefit--but it's important to recognize when it's not so you can override it and stop getting screwed over.

So, Jordan Peterson has changed my life for the better. :)

[theaveragejoe]

Had to put my foot down with a plumber who was trying to get me to do work which I had paid him to do. He tried to weasel out if it on the phone, with me. I had to put blinkers on and keep saying he has to come back and do it. I started to get really harsh and wouldn't unlock my jaws (figuratively) he tried to tell me it would be weeks until he could finish the work. I kept going. Now he is coming on Monday to finish the work. I felt bad afterward that I had to have been so forceful. But if I want to be a leader I have to speak up and put my foot down

[jenniferjaffa]

The worst aspect about being an agreeable person is that when you TRY to be assertive, TRY to do yourself good and speak your opinion. It doesn’t feel right, and you feel evil for doing so. For every other thing in your life when doing something morally correct, you’re intuitively rewarded. In this case, it’s the polar opposite. We weren’t grown up wrong, we just never got told the difference between loving others and making unwilling sacrifices due to a character flaw. Always help others, but never out of pity. There is where you find truth, and true desire to help others.

[MegF]

Some folks go a step farther and almost martyr themselves because of being hyper-conscientious and hyper-agreeable.

[russiagraham]

This is one of my issues! So glad I found this lecture.

[DoubleZDogg]

The type of high conscientiousness, high agreeability woman JP talks about remind me of the Giving Tree, and how she was mercilessly exploited.

[peteryyz]

Wow!: What a nice addition: Chopin Fantasie Impromptu, Opus 66 in C minor at the end there...nice.

[ForViewingOnly]

Excellent video. I don't mind saying that I'm a male who is hyper-conscientious and 'agreeable', and Jordan Peterson is absolutely bang on about 'agreeableness' leaving people not knowing what they want later on in life. I don't see 'agreeableness' as a weakness though... for me it comes from having a huge amount of empathy and emotional intelligence, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. You have to be very alert to being exploited, and yet at the same time not become cynical.

[TheCarrifaery]

i wish my father had told me this 25 years ago. learning hard lessons at 40.

[Oneironaut]

I have a friend who is far too agreeable (hence not a very close or deep friend). Not only does he not even know what he wants, I've never even heard him express a solid opinion about anything. He's always agreeing with you and when someone expresses an opposing opinion he's right there with them as well attempting to explain his reasoning. He is totally unaware that he doesn't even have strong opinions and is so highly conflict avoidant because his entire life he's been far more concerned of what others think of him and if whether they like him or not than having an opinion that God forbid someone may disagree with. The price is not only not having an opinion but unfortunately never coming close to knowing thyself which is very important in personal and professional relationships to say the least. After many years in therapy I do not even think his therapist is aware of this. If he were it might change everything for him, let alone his expected and resulting symptoms of GAD.

[kassokilleriff]

As a man I am extremely agreeable. I don’t know if it was pre determined by my genetics or not. But I had a fucked up life. Nothing BUT conflict my entire childhood. No friends, bullies attacking me. I fought nearly every day. I got jumped at school, after school, I was hunted. I had no social skills cuz I had no friends. My parents beat the shit out of us (divorced too lol). My mom mentally abused the fuck out of me.

So I have so much appreciation for peoples situations. I don’t want to jump up and cast a judgement on another person because I know the kinds of horrible things people can go through.

I don’t know how to stop being agreeable. Even in my teen years I was a big kid. I never lost a 1 on 1 fight. I had trained in karate for years so bullies weren’t a real threat by themselves. I did what I could to minimize damage to both of us. That’s how agreeable I am! What the hell! Lol.

I just don’t know how to break that. Hurting people really bothers me. Like really really bothers me I don’t want to cause pain that was done to me. It’s so deeply rooted in pretty sure I need professional help to change it.

[regisatlas]

this is so me i'm dying. avoiding conflict to the point where i can't make the simplest decisions, cus that takes expressing opinions

[aadapt-forwardpositivemome]

I really appreciate this very much! Just coming into 3 months sober about 3 days ago so 3 days and 3 months sober lol I found one of the traits I had previously undiscovered about myself was I was high in agreeability- having watched Dr. Peterson's video here helped me realize that one of the key elements that could threaten my recovery was this specific trait. Thank You.

[CameronArnott]

Don’t be exploited.
Say what you think.
Stop always avoiding conflict.
Say NO more.
Problems don’t go away without some conflict.
Find out what YOU want. Don’t let this be distorted by other people.
So basically, trust yourself and be skeptical about new ideas.

[Firestar-rmdf]

I used to be very much like that, but now everythime I catch myself doing it I think "run the cost benefit analysis. is there ANY point to doing this and what are the consequences". Much better now at not letting other people control my life. better to just play my cards so they think they do.

[pinkies]

In 1995 i was a 45 yo woman working in a hi stress hi performance corporate environment. In New York.
He is correct that women are wired with the nice and kind element. But. Assertiveness is necessary in that particular environment. It's a learned behavior of survival and deep desire for achievement. It can be done and done well.
Thank you Professor. You inspire so many. I enjoy learning and listening to your lectures.