The Balance Between Finding a Morally Good Partner and a Physically Attractive One

Dr. Peterson delves into the complexities of finding a balance between seeking a morally good partner and a physically attractive one. He explores the dangers of jealousy, trust issues, and the damaging effects of demoralizing your partner's attractiveness.

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[captainbeastazoid]

"One of the things that people do is take the shine off those who are shining around them so that they don't look dim in the reflected light." Unbelievable quote. Very true about human relationships in general... It takes a special and strong person to truly build up those around them.

[eagle]

Recently turned a mere 20, and while i was at work this new girl came in. My work is a social job so it’s 90% females and i find most of them very good looking.

Well when this new girl came in, we had a very short conversation and in my head while talking to her i went “she’s not that pretty”.

I go and fix some things, and she was already there fixing some things too, then she looks at me and smiles and i was awe struck, a face just full of warmth and kindness, i could immediatly tell she was a kind soul.

Some time go by and just noticing all the small details she did, put her so far from other “hot girls” who tend to be superficial. Helplessly i began falling for her and suddenly whenever she looked at me i’d blush hard trying to act like nothing.

And it just changed my whole life perspective on this thing. Hot girls are hot, but the right woman, the right soul, is in a different league.

[hud]

I went for a physically attractive wife, it's been nothing but a living hell. Go for a good nurturer, a partner, a lover. Go for anything other than "attractive" and life will reward you. My superficiality has ruined my and my son's life.

[dhoops]

I have done this to my wife. For years. Because my own addictions and issues. Your wife really is a garden. You really do reap what you sow. I sowed a LOT of junk and I got a return. Praise God he let me hit what felt like the bottom, and I now sow good seed into our marriage. And I reap it. It’s amazing. Women are heavily effected spiritually and emotionally and physically by how we as men treat them. There is a phrase “show me your wife and I’ll show you your life” and it’s so so so true. A beautiful flourishing wife, is the result of a man sowing good things into her life and tending to her as he should. As God intended us to. And as God does to us.

[thisisnotmyname]

Seeing a husband and wife in love after years together gives me so much happiness 😊

[seth]

There is definitely a balance. My dad chose my mom because she showed a lot of morally good and motherly traits, but he ended up leaving my mom because he got bored of her and because she wasn't really his "type" (they didn't have many common interests). Morally good should take precedence, but you should also find them attractive enough that you're going to be willing to fight for and put in effort to keep them.

[OscarLimaMike]

I won the lottery here. She is beautiful, intelligent filled with light and deeply moral. I am truly blessed.

[rebecaanderson]

It’s really important to have both things. And you should choose someone attractive for the well being of that person too. Let’s suppose you are not attracted to your partner to the point where you don’t have much physical touch, the other person will feel rejected. We all need to feel sexy and desirable for our partner. So if you don’t think your partner is attractive you probably should let them be with someone who will. And don’t fall for “you have to choose one of the two things”, my husband is both handsome and of good moral, at least on my eyes.

[get_spanked]

I love how Dr Peterson talks about humbling yourself and looking in the mirror instead of tearing the other person down. I had to learn to let go of my unrealistic expectations and apply my them to myself.

If you expect your partner to check all the attractive boxes or sought after boxes and you dont even have them, how can you expect to get the same in return? Don’t discount a potential dating partner just because they dont check off all the boxes: newsflash, most of you, like me, arent special, your average. And thats okay.

[caitlinspokes]

Love his answer. It's a state of mind and you can CHOOSE to devalue your partner. You can also choose to up-value your partner. And what a wonderful life could lie ahead for you both then!

[estermihailova]

I looked for a kind hearted man who wants to have a family and is a hard worker. Looks was never on the list. However God sent me a man who had all those characteristics plus being very handsome. But before I met him I made sure I looked good, did sport and was a good woman first. Instead of looking at what I can get, I focused first on what I can give as a partner.

[Powderhound-cbpb]

Jordan,
I also did great. We have been married 14 years and together for over half our lives (both 42). Three amazing kids that are now getting a little bit older, still young but you know what I mean. At some point I had a realization just how amazing my wife is. We too set aside 2-3 nights a week as a date night, and it really does work. I mean it works. Sometimes I need to pinch myself to make sure my life is real. Honesty above all else and really, really mean it and act it. Our relationship just seems to get better on all fronts at an amazing pace. It's really something to have happen to you. Of course, we have come through some tuff times (mostly due to my needing to grow up) but we stuck it out and when you stick it out and come out stronger on the other side well that's pretty dam cool. Also, it helps that she takes very good care of herself and is very attractive, so I am not oblivious to this. But what makes that even better is that I have total trust there. It's a great position to find myself in to be so blessed. Cause I know at some point we will need this strength to deal with whatever tragic event lurks around the corner.

[IlluminatedWings]

A person’s physical appearance changes over time and sometimes an unfortunate accident might happen and the partner may become physically disabled. In the long run a good person with strong moral character outweighs everything. Of course, physical attractiveness is important too.

[DuffyLew]

As soon as we were married at 23 years old, my husband told me I was too old and not pretty enough, etc. What an insecure, selfish jerk he was, but I didn't see it then. After he left our marriage, confessed that he was afraid that I would leave him, then divorced me, did many years later I realize how disrespectful and emotionally abusive he was.

[kaylynnanson]

What helped me was seeking an emotional, companionate connection. Trying to find someone I could call a friend but also respect and love. Passion dies down after years, but if you genuinely love and respect your partner, you will have a better chance of happiness regardless of the difficulties you face.

[SallyChanArt]

Wow the negative remark part was exactly what my toxic ex was doing. And I can confirm the damage it had done to a person is far more than you can imagine.

[koyot_inozemez]

I was in a long-term relationship with a great person, the kindest man of all. He never judged, always supported, helped, but never made himself inferior to me. He was still someone I respected, someone I wanted to become the father of my children. He was never my type physically though, but I fell in love with his soul. I never wanted to be that shallow person, who is all about the looks. As the years passed, he still saw me strikingly gorgeous. He wanted to be close physically and I just couldn't anymore. We went through countless methods, sexologists and psychologists. And the conclusion is this: You can't control your body, your physical responses. If you are bodily repelled, you can NOT think your way into liking it. So yea, in the relationship, full of fun, trust, mutual plans and respect...we broke up over sex. Because every person wants to be desirable for the partner, so please, don't make my mistakes, don't be with someone unless you find them initially attractive, you will just make their lives miserable and their self-esteem non-existent.

[robertschiller]

my grandma used to tell me: "pick a partner that is just attractive enough for you because pretty partners you never have for your own". I remember this even said 20+ years ago. I have a very attractive wife and I married the woman I did not had a crush on for her physical appearance. I had crushes at school and university for girls/women who looked STUNNING in my eyes - but being wiser now than before: you cannot be an eye level partner to a person that stuns you (makes your brain stop working) just by standing there and looking good. So my advice is this: find a partner you would like to talk to for 1 h without getting bored and you would like to look in the face for 1 h. addition: you also need to grow confidence in having an attractive partner as the risk is to go into jealousy and ruin everything.

[jepperskov]

I've experienced that a partner gets more physically attractive the more you get to know the person on a deep, emotional level - it goes hand in hand. That is also a part of why i believe you shouldn't start a relationship with having sex... In some way it becomes less intimate

[rbelkaid]

I have to say that (wise) elderly men like Jordan Peterson (and of course their female counterparts) on YouTube really fulfill/supplement the role that older/wiser people within the family or tribe used to have. I say used to because it seems to have diminished in this day and age where we are less connected to the ones around us. Love you Jordan!