How the narcissist's backstory messes with your head

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[enriquemora]

How about the opposite? People who have suffered abandonment, who didn't experience unconditional love, and turned into narcissists as the only exit their mind found? Knowing these backstories make leaving a narc partner even harder for us empaths.

[anak]

A counselor once told me something that revolutionized my experiences with narcisissts. He told me, "yes this person was hurt as a child but now he/they are an adult and you need to let him/them grow up. If you rescue him/them you prevent this from happening. Its OK to give them tools/ advice to help them grow up but dont stand in the way." This set me free! Now I am able to keep myself emotionally separate from a narcisisst, realizing that their growing up depends on them. They are too immature for an actual relationship.

[Diana-zewu]

It’s taken decades to figure out I’ve been surrounded by Narcissists my whole life. Our therapist told me my ex is malignant. I got away. Now he has turned my oldest (18yo) against me. The pain is enormous. Your videos are life saving. Thank you.

[akankshagarg]

I’m going through a breakup with a covert narcissist and your videos have been my saving grace.
Educating myself is making it possible to make sence of my experiences and slowly nurture myself back to health and acceptance.

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
You are doing a great humanitarian service to us all.

[SomeGuy-xfbc]

My narc grew up essentially an only child on a farm where the nearest neighbor was a mile away and parents that didn't do much in the way of parenting. I totally understand that the narcissism was a necessary survival mechanism for growing up virtually alone in the formative years. That being said, you get to the point that you realize it can't be fixed and it is destroying you in the process. It's truly unfortunate, but the only solution is to leave.

[Tracy-xezu]

Knowing my narcissist's backstory, if anything, set things straight for me and removed any sympathy I might have had for them. My father and I both had a narcissistic parent, but he at least had a healthy parent to fall back on. And yet, he's the one who became viciously narcissistic, and I didn't; I believe it's a choice, because when he felt bad, he wanted other people to be as miserable as he was. When he made me feel bad, I swore that I would NEVER make anyone feel as worthless and unwanted as he made me feel.

[tammilynne]

No food in the fridge but dad had new shoes. Mom worked hard to take care of us. Alone. When dad walked out on us. (We were 5, 4, and 2 year old girls). She raised alone until my step dad came along. And blessed us with a little sister and provided for us all. Clearly my bio dad was a narc. May they all rest in peace. Especially Mom. ❤️

[fmtforme]

You have just read my mail for the last 8 1/2 minutes. This is my 30 year marriage. There is so much I could speak into this scenario, that I and my marriage to my spouse could be one of your research studies in this area of Narcissism. Finally couldn't take it any longer and filed for divorce. Thanks for speaking on this area. It's absolutely my marital history.

[camadams]

I personally don't care about a person's backstory. At the end of the day: Im busy, Im tired, and I've gotten stuff to do.
I enter relationships to be an equal with someone else. Im not forming relationships to fix broken people

[ZestyAqua]

I've stopped factoring in back stories in abusive relationships. Abuse is too expensive. Too costly.

I no longer let that backstory dictate my decisions. They factor in as much as I understand and have empathy not an excuse to abuse at all.

Right now it's a very lonely time in the healing process. You can hope folks will be patient in my case they are not so on my own. Your videos are very helpful to me so I thank you and your staff.

No matter what I won't people please anymore and learning to not overshare. Both something people do to create a bond in reality isn't healthy until you get to know that person it's off putting. Never cared much if people liked me or not they are who they are. Sharing to say I relate and understand backfires. CPTSD sucks. Takes time to rewire that brain if at all possible. When I hear backstories I know that's no excuse to harm someone at all. Simply too expensive to stay time and money wise. We who are decent want to be supported and loving. Kind. That turns to enabling abusive patterns, unfortunately. Have compassion does not mean accepting abuse.

Made excuses. One thing to want to treat someone well and then there is their way of being an entitled asshole....

[addy]

My vulnerable narc ex had the exact opposite upbringing: severely physically abused/neglected as a child, yet feels the same princely entitlement as a grandiose narc now, as an adult. His "self-soothing" meant buying whatever he wanted (while denying me and the kids basics), shirking parenting responsibilities, etc. He also used his tragic backstory as an excuse for everything: from no follow-through on household DIY stuff to justifying his cheating. His childhood pain caused him to inflict adult pain on us.

[celiajames]

Yes. Their backstory of neglect made me feel sorry of him & understand where the issues with his personality were coming from. This made me feel guilty about leaving or giving up on him for a while. Until I got the courage to put myself 1st & leave.

[RobinOjay]

Hi Dr. Ramani
Wow, this deeply resonates with me ! The sad story that a narcissistic person tells is immediately recited upon meeting everyone. This is the telltale hallmark that has alerted my awareness of exactly what I am looking at when encountering people. This is the main deception that is employed by toxic individuals to ensure that they control the narrative. I pay strict attention to such conversations now. Thank you for your daily revelatory tutorials!

[pinkandpink]

My mom grew up dirt poor, abused and neglected. I think she became a narcissist through overly protecting herself. She's lives entirely in defense mode which causes her to be extremely controlling in most any relationship. I found myself having to follow so many of her rules...I couldn't say this I couldn't say that without her taking everything personally. Her opinion always was the right way to think and she had no room to accept the ways other people think.
Example of a rule...she talks very loudly in public or even just riding in the car. When I point it out as gently as I possibly can, she would say " well, I guess I just won't talk at all" and give me the silent treatment. It all got to be too much. I remember thinking that we will eventually run out of topics to even talk about.

[MsYogiCat]

Wow, you just described my brother, who is in his fifties and has been supported by my parents for his entire life, can't hold a job, can't get through college, all while I have multiple degrees, and successful career. And guess who is out of favor with parents and brother, me! For asking my brother to lay off on the harassment. I've had to go no contact, so now he has them all to himself, which I think he is happy about, their triangulation and baiting certainly contributed to getting us to where we are now. It's still heartbreaking for me to experience this kind of rejection from my parents. But I'm working through it with your help Dr Ramani.

[drea]

Thank you for pointing out that spoiling a child isn't always about material things. Spoiling can be simply never requiring a child to clean up after themselves, never having to lift a finger to do everyday chores.
My ex came from a humble middle class background, but his parents hired maids rather than have to clean the house themselves or teach their kids. Indeed, I was forever cleaning up after him as an adult. We would have lived in squalor if I hadn't.
Yes I know it's more complex than that, to explain how narcissists are created. But it has a lot to do with it in this case.

[loveit]

For years I let stuff go because of how someone was raised. Though I was being understanding it hit me I'm also giving them a free pass. Such as not being emotionally available due to childhood issues, etc. I was stunned to realize in being a loving compassionate person it was used as a wepon to allow them center stage for their needs.

[SerephimLife]

Yes...but my father was poor but also the oldest and golden child of his abusive alcoholic (depression age) parents. I've been watching all of these and hearing - I "need" to have compassion for why my father became "what he is" and therefore "did what he did to me". Its been one of the things messing with my healing. I don't want to feel I have to ever feel anything for my father (or them, sister, stepmother, exhusband, his wife, etc) again. I've spent my entire life "feeling" bad for "them" - trying to make things better for them while they destroy me and my life. I just cant anymore. I'm not blaming myself anymore for what they all are. No more. Thank you!

[pepperbird]

Excellent video. I was the Helper child, and married a spoiled child narcissist. After 10 years I was exhausted, and left. He was so surprised! Parents need to make their darlings grow up emotionally as they grow up physically. Although remarried, he still texts me often on social media to keep in touch. He still thinks I am his second mother and care giver.

[landlockedwy]

OMG 😱 yes. This describes my ex-boyfriend’s childhood exactly. He even told me at one point that his parents would never be the type that ooooed and ahhhhed over the grandchildren; if we had kids they would be very distant grandparents.