How Disorganized Attachment Affects Families The Do’s and Don’ts

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In this video, attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith dives into the complexities of disorganized attachment style, exploring how it impacts family dynamics and personal relationships. Disorganized attachment is a blend of anxious and avoidant attachment styles, and it can create significant challenges in communication, emotional stability, and consistency in relationships. Adam explains the difference between quiet and loud disorganized behaviors, offering valuable insights into how these patterns manifest and how they can affect children and partners.

If you’ve ever wondered how disorganized attachment influences your family or how your parents' disorganized behaviors have shaped you, this video is for you. Adam provides practical dos and don'ts for managing these attachment issues, discusses how disorganized attachment creates instability, and offers solutions for healing and transforming relationships. He emphasizes the importance of communication, consistency, and seeking professional help to break free from these patterns.

Join Adam as he breaks down these crucial concepts and shares his personal experiences working with individuals struggling with disorganized attachment. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe, and drop your questions below—Adam is here to help!

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Chapters:
00:00:00 Understanding Disorganized Attachment Style
00:02:23 Understanding Disorganized Attachment in Relationships
00:05:06 Navigating Inconsistent Parenting: Attachment and its Effects
00:07:41 Effective Trauma Resolution with EMDR
00:10:07 Understanding Disorganized Attachment
00:12:36 Improving Communication in Relationships
00:15:03 Overcoming Disorganized Attachment Through Community Support
00:17:26 The Importance of Consistency in Parenting
00:19:57 Transforming Disorganized Attachment for a Healthier Life
00:22:26 Disorganized Attachment Style and Its Impact on Family Relationships

[trishaww]

I found out I am a disorganized avoidant about 2 weeks ago and my husband is avoidant. I have been watching all of the videos I can to better understand where we both have avoided communication and caused a huge breakdown in our marriage. I am so grateful to have found your channel. I have learned so much about him and myself, every video I swear it's as if you're telling me a story about his or my life. We've been together going on 7 years now and I recently found out he'd been having an affair. I had so much trust in him that I was blind to it. We never even fought until about a year after we got married. I lost my job about 2 years ago and became extremely depressed and avoidant, and he didn't know how to help me. Not only did I avoid our relationship I avoided my friends and almost my entire family. I watch your videos every chance in order to gain perspective on how to become securely attached and possibly mend my marriage. Thank you so much for all that you share ❤

[oambitiousone]

Adam’s descriptions of extreme behavior are the absolute best.

I LOL every time.

[ForrestMystic]

Your description of quiet disorganized women is spot on ....

[Mystic_Paths]

Disorganized attachment can hinder clear communication. Family members may struggle to understand or predict each other's needs, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of rejection or abandonment.

[CIair_de_Iune]

6:36 giving context is so important, I remember my mom never gave me context or addressed her feelings when she flipped the switch from anxious to avoidant and that was so shocking to endure growing up, she would also rarely interfere or provide any guidance when I was going through emotional distress so I grew up lacking in emotional control, this has taught me the importance of having healthy conversations about needs and feelings instead of going into a weird anxious avoidant cycle based on expectations but it surely would've helped if it started from an earlier age

[eliprenten]

17:00 was thinking about this yesterday by coincidence! How I got raised to be polite, mind my own business, not look at people too much + having a parent that used to be stressed a lot because of other people so I got to think not disturbing anyone is doing people a huge favor. Totally missing the nuance that I'm not a stressor/burden to these people.

[laurenanderson]

I feel like I can never speak my mind in relationships in a way that won’t end the friendship. I really hate just having to stay quiet when I have been hurt and the other person doesn’t know that they said or did something that bothered me. This really helped me to understand communication is so so important. I think my husband is also disorganized because he often fears telling people his honest opinion even when he is way past bothered. This is going to help our family so much. My sons will benefit from me learning about this.

[tiffanynelson]

I've been single for 20 years. 10 years I stopped dating all together. Then, I fell for what I would think, a dismissive avoidant. Which was like the same as my marriage 20 years ago.... It blew my mind. I have ADD, so when I focus on something, I find answers. Learning, I understand! I have isolated myself very much. I've always sabotaged myself.

[rishel]

It’s wild that you describe people lingering in the periphery, wishing there could have been more with quietly disorganized women. That was a near constant experience for me before I began to work on being more secure and I always assumed it was because they saw me as the “safe” back burner option!

[emilyingridlaura]

12:00 explained everything! Lol.
Quiet disorganized attachment.

[acd]

I just realized someone I thought was avoidant is actually disorganized. Makes a lot more sense

[clouddancer]

No one would work that hard. 💔 Love your gasoline story sounds about right.

[Lisa-ipji]

Haven't seen the whole video yet, but this speaks to me. I thought I was (ethical) avoidant, but since recently doing two tests online suggesting I am a (quiet) fearful avoidant I've started to reconsider my attachment style. And thanks for the humour. Lights things up. 😄 "Loving arson" 😂

[ksmithwillis]

Wonderful advice. Thank you. I appreciate all of what you're saying and that you don't try to demonize anyone but instead try to encourage others to love people and to try to help them and work with them to introspect for self-improvement and to salvage relationships. I am a follower of Jesus and what you're saying are biblical principles without saying so. I have found that when people choose to turn towards faith in Jesus and really starts to put his ways into practice healing and restoration is completely possible. I know because I've seen it in my marriage to a grandiose narcissist. Was it challenging? Absolutely!! And it required me to dig down deep and to forgive and to love and have patience in a way I never had before. On this side of it, 9 years later, I have a blessed marriage, a healed husband and I am much wiser and able to counsel others in how to do the same. Instead of becoming bitter I became better. So encourage anyone reading this to turn towards Jesus in his ways for your healing. God is real and the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective that's all I can say.

[georgybest]

I am truly honored by your content and humbled by your actions towards exploring uncharted territory, Mr. Smith. Thank you for all the charitable hard work you put out for the sake of us and be certain I will honor you - or at least give you credit - when spreading the word.

[chilloften]

I appreciate this information, especially the things to bring up in relationship. Although, I remember how my nervous system takes over with the fear. So it’s really hard. Glad to be aware though and work on myself about it.

[tlmqmzy]

I do hate the unknown but I ask a thousand questions because of it. I can't tell if I have this from my horrible childhood or if it's a reaction to my DA partner's behavior. There's no way he would ask me questions, provide transparency or display empathy. Even if he did, I wouldn't trust it. All "love" I receive comes with a price tag.

[phillipsnichole]

@11:14 Adam, why are you lurking at my vacation cabin? 🤣 No..but seriously...how do know that's what I do...

[Starslayer_o]

Can you please make a video about the quiet disorganized women

[Idkaboutyoubutimfeelin]

I would love it if you talked more about disorganized attachment in relation to other attachment styles, as well as communication tactics. I think me and my partner both have disorganized, but i think im on more anxious side in this dynamic and he leans more dismissive avoidant in our dynamic. Do you think fixing the relationship could be solved by following the general advice in your avoidant videos that lean more into anxious avoidant loops?

I feel like part of the issue is his core issue with opening up has to do with early parental death, never having anyone who would ever care, and fear of letting anyone in because it makes it worse when they inevitably die, because anyone can die at anytime. so im not sure how to get him to open up more, but as things stand when he doesnt express himself, i get triggered in my own attachment wounds, and i can never trust my own emotions to be able to communicate my needs.