Autistic Burnout, People-pleasing, and Misunderstood Empathy

You may have heard that people on the spectrum have less empathy than others. This is simply not true! In many ways I feel we have MORE. But what can we do when showing empathy requires more energy than we can give?

In this video, I'm discussing 5 strategies to help prevent burnout from caring for others. (Scroll down for timestamps to jump to a specific section of the video.)

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VIDEO MARKERS:
What is empathy? (0:46)
Strategies to Prevent Burnout:
1: Take care of yourself first (3:48)
2: Accept that you need a lot of alone time (5:21)
3. Notice subtle mood shifts (5:58)
4. Use empathy as a tool (7:21)
5. Be aware that you might take on other people’s emotional work (8:37)
Resources (11:43)
_______________________

I'm Tay, a married mom of 2 who was diagnosed with Autism at 31 years old. This was after YEARS of therapy (and all of the self tests in the world!). My diagnosis has brought up questions, frustration, doubt, but most importantly, a new level of self compassion and understanding.

I'm here to share knowledge, resources, and products that empower other neurodivergents (and their loved ones) to live freely and creatively. I'm not a doctor so please speak with your healthcare providers before implementing any recommendations I make on my channel.

It's good for my brain to spend less time on social media, so you won't find me on Facebook or Instagram. But I'd love to chat with you in the comments! Or you can find my email address in the "Details" section of my About page.

Females are under-diagnosed due to lack of research. Please share any videos that are helpful to you so we can spread awareness and acceptance.

RESOURCES
What is an empath?:

Music by Milky Wayvers ("Mountain")

#autism #autistic #aspergers

[kingmasterlord]

when i was a kid trying to explain my feelings to others, i put it as "you're _at_ the bonfire of feelings, I'm IN it."

[neurodimensions]

Thanks for shattering the stereotype! I always worry so much about how my words or actions could affect other people. I often avoid saying or doing certain things if there’s a chance it could upset someone. It’s hard for me to be assertive and set boundaries, but it’s probably my #1 mental health goal right now

[lupen_rein]

This is SO true! I am often amazed how little other people care about others and I often feel overattached and overempathic to others, I can't stomach it whenever I think they feel sad or are unhappy, I just HAVE to help them, even if it is stressful for myself. I want to solve other people's problems, including global problems such as climate change, wars, discrimination, etc., while most others don't seem to care much about it. And I also am constantly scared of being a burden to others and my inability to really know if they feel that way or not is such a pain. People get annoyed by my inability to read their feelings, in good and in bad ways, I constantly apologize in advance. I'm so scared to misread other people's feelings that I'd rather not make assumptions at all or only make assumptions that don't lead to anything. This is why I am scared to do decisions in social situations, this is why I never take first steps in relationships or intitiate sex because I'm just way too scared to hurt others because I just can't read their feelings.
I just feel like I just can't do anything right here... It's easy to manipulate me emotionally, and it's easy for me to hurt others without knowing it.

[whitneymason]

I've identified as an empath long before I got my diagnosis. I think that's why I tend to keep just a few close friends because it is physically draining for me to engage socially with others so the fewer the friends the more I can tend to them and then tend to myself afterwards. Thanks for a great and relatable video and congrats on 100 subscribers!

[SydneyFreeman-gu]

I just found out about you. I am a late diagnosed 26 year old autistic woman. Your videos are great!! Thank you so much for helping me realize more about how I am and sharing advice on how to show up in life and be true to myself even when I feel like I have to do my best to help other people when I don't feel very good. It seems like I need to limit the amount of interactions and relationships I have and that makes me frustrated and disappointed. Setting boundaries, saying no, and not being weighed down by problems that don't directly affect me is a big challenge personally. In general I ordinarily feel like I don't know how to navigate relationships and socializing. I have been living in Waco for about a year now, but have lived in several cities throughout Texas for a majority of my life. Thank you so much for all you do!!

[memery]

Thank you for posting about this. This is an important convo I've been needing to have with others who understand. I've always struggled so much in group settings, and now I see how that stems from my ADHD/ASD as a cis woman. I usually come across as aloof and quiet in group settings, and yet I leave feeling overloaded with social and emotional burnout. This is bc I default to observing, and while I'm observing I am taking in tons of social and emotional stimuli. With each person, I try to process what they must be thinking and feeling, and how that relates to me and what I should be doing to help them feel better and then I pivot to the next person and the next and the next and I dont know where to start or how to respond in order to accommodate all of the thoughts and feelings in the room. Its exhausting, and ultimately paralyzing.

Lately, I've been strategizing by choosing a smaller social goal before each group gathering. For instance -- make sure my husband is having a good time. Or -- get to know my aunt better. I find that having a focus helps reduce social overwhelm. I know some folks are gifted with the ability to work a room and leave each person feeling seen, but I have to accept that I am not one of them.

[thesymphonyset]

YES! I’ve been saying this for a while
now. Neurotypical people are usually less empathetic and every neurodivergent person I have ever met is intensely empathetic.

edit: hate social media and only love reddit too* really makes me happy to hear someone else have
so many similarities. Feels
like relief and enthusiasm inducing to hear all of this.

[xoxoLeony]

I feel that when you are unable to take care of yourself FIRST, it’s already a step in the right direction to take care of yourself TOO. Especially as a parent. We tend to cater to everyone else and then there’s no time left for ourselves. Maybe we can’t cater to ourself first just yet/at this time but at least we can squeeze in a little “me time” of some kind.
Re: being there for others: I have been trying to take several steps back from the whole “helping others” idea. Oftentimes our friends aren’t even looking for help or advice, just open arms and acceptance.

[crystallefay]

I am a empath, psychic and Traumatic Brain Injury survior and newly self diagnosed Autistic. Thankyou for this video!

[kristinekarlson]

Wow; I have watched self-help videos nonstop for the past four years, trying to understand my career stagnancy and breakup of my marriage. I have learned about so many psychological themes that apply to my life, including CPTSD, shame, autism, ADHD, codependency, and others’ covert narcissism. But what you brought up on this video - emotional contagion - really hits the nail on the head. My mom taught me to be her emotional laundry room where she dumped literally every problem from spats with neighbors to problems she had with my dad. I now often find myself the recipient of others’ emotional laundry at work, or in other settings, and I now realize that people count on my reacting FOR them so they can avoid the repercussions. This has tanked my progress in my career and has short-circuited friendships. I now also see that I am repeating this model. I never learned to appropriately process my emotions and sometimes foist them on others to handle in the same way. Geez. It’s all so clear now! Thank you so much for this insight. I have to work on this, on both the giving and receiving ends.

[edithcolomba]

Thank you for your videos, my husband and I chuckle often as we are so similar 😅 I used to feel fainty in crowds… Many years ago I trained in Reiki, and that helped me contain and protect my own energy, and learning to hold on to positivity when empathysing with people who are suffering. Not easy but it helps, and it helps them too… turns out that this practice is becoming really important to me, as it’s grounding, mindful, it allows me to use my subtle perceptions and help others, without the emotional overwhelm…

[cammie]

I read an article in maybe 2007 about “toxic empathy”….when you feel other people’s emotions but have no boundaries so you take ALL that emotion on like it’s yours and it crushes you while doing nothing to help the other person. I first noticed it in 7th grade when an ambulance went by and I started sobbing to think someone was in that ambulance who was injured or dying and in pain. It was debilitating and I had to put up huge emotional walls against that sort of thing…which was exhausting at first but got a bit easier over the years. In college I noticed it was very hard to bring the emotional wall down…and it took time and effort…when I wanted to be vulnerable or intimate with someone (like a boyfriend).

[tedblack]

I didn't discover my autism until I was in my late 60's. All the emotional land mines you discuss seem to have morphed in me as I worked through the muck of life with no one to help. Empathy has, for me, mostly disappeared. The only remnant of it is my very well developed BS meter. I can "feel" when people are not being honest with me, or trying to reframe MY experiences to fit THEIR views of life. I can smell what my son calls assholery from a very long distance..

[infinite]

Hey I just want to thank you for posting this. I’m adhd/autisc and knew I take on others emotions but never really understood it or thought it was just me. You have really solidified that it’s not my fault and have given me verification and tools I need to project myself and my relationships I have with people. X

[eveningprimrose]

When I just had to get away, I would spend whole days and evenings in the master bath with the door locked. Took my crocheting supplies and snacks and crocheted like a fiend. Ahhh 😌

[Brittney]

My FAVORITE video I’ve seen so far! This is so needed, thank you Taylor! 💕

[lyanimoody]

Hey Tay 👋🏼 definitely am an empath, Your videos are so helpful and I send them to family because I don't have friends my one Best friend passed away few years ago we knew each other since highschool I'm 38 now she passed at 30 yrs old heart problems 🙏🏼 I send your videos so I don't have to keep explaining which is exhausting. You're doing great 👍🏼😊

[LeighBendle]

I know this video is super old, but I am 18 and just got diagnosed w autism and been dealing with a lot of burnout mixed w overwhelming empathy so doing a bunch of research. this really spoke to me and i loved it so much. Definitely will watch more :)

[kk]

Such good and appreciated tips. Thank u. I dunno how to turn off my empathy but imma try my best. I didn't realize sometime my mood change is not mine. That I am so grateful to learn today. Thank you so much. This could be life changing for me if I can work up the courage to do it . I worry very much about hurting other by not always saying yes and neglect my own needs.

[elizabethivy]

These videos are so helpful, I'm really glad you took the time to make and post them. I didn't have the slightest idea that I was autistic until this past year. It was like 28 years of confusion just suddenly made so much sense and a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I think my mom always suspected that I might be but was in denial and felt that never seeking out confirmation would somehow 'make the problem go away' -though, I don't view autism as a problem, just a difference. The actual problem was not knowing and therefore not getting access to the resources that would've helped me so much. There's a certain anger in knowing how much I struggled and felt misunderstood when a simple change in perspective and approach could've made things so much more manageable. Now I have to spend a lot of time re-learning and re-understanding many facets of my life so I can finally do things in a way that fits me instead of the neurotypical framework that I had been forced into.