Why Is Eye Contact So Difficult? (For Someone With Autism)

Making eye contact is something that many of us find a bit difficult. There are two common reasons for this. First, making eye contact is distracting and doesn't allow me to pay attention to what you're saying. Second, eye contact is uncomfortable due to all the additional unconscious expectations of how you want me to respond.... it's very tiring and therefore I prefer to avoid it...

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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!

My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.

I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.

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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG

I value your time which means there are NO YOUTUBE ADS on my videos.
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.

The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).

In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)

Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests

Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)

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// ABOUT ME

I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.

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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING

I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:

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// CONTACT

Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!

Peace,

~Paul

[SixBlindKids]

You are very gifted in explaining these "hard to understand" concepts in understanding autism.

[snohcozz]

I wasn't able to pay attention. I was so focused on the juggling.

[mece]

I agree with everything you said! 🙋
Also, eye contact can sometimes trigger some kind of claustrophobia for me. Like I'm trapped and can't escape 🙈

[TimNortonGuru]

I relate so much to the expectations of facial expression. If I’m listening intently, I have no expression and people think I look bored, when the truth is I’m really taking in what they are saying.

[Parmesana]

My mother didn't know how to handle me and always forced me to look her in the eye...as if she was looking for guilt. Even more reason for me to not look people in the eye. I like looking at their photos..that way, I can see their face without feeling judged. Oh man, I wish I could juggle.. It is on my bucket list.

[Maxwell-]

your juggling skills are really impressive! On the subject of energy to engage, I've just recently realised how hard this really is. I feel like there is a brick wall between me other people and to have a conversation with someone is like jumping up and hanging on the wall so we can talk. But eventually my arms get tired and I fall down - out of the convo! And after a few hours I simply NEED to rest, until my arms can hold me up again.

[IceCrossFire]

It feels different with a camera. I can look at a person's eyes in a video and see a busy mind thinking a lot of things at once using its very own program. I see the spacing of a person's eyes to their nose and each other. Then if I am talking to a camera, I'm looking at an eye that does not judge or analyze me. So it's more of a physical experience with a camera.

But an in-person eye experience is like being around a person who sneezes in your direction every time you look at them... onstage. Not only do you feel vulnerable and want to protect yourself, but you also feel stage fright and want to act and feel in just a way that plays the part of your side of the conversation.

[dickiewongtk]

Yes this!! Maintaining eye contact just take away my concentration power for other stuffs, like listening and thinking about and remembering what you are saying!! And if I look directly at people that means they are looking directly at me too, like they are inspecting me, judgging me. It is too much to bear. I communicate the best when I am stand to the side of someone, while we are both looking at something else instead of each other.

[firehandszarb]

My problem with making eye contact is Im never sure if im doing it correctly and to me this is the source of discomfort.

[cbenjamin]

I found myself wanting to know more about people who suffered in this area so I could be kinder if I met with them. I've found that I cut an interaction shorter than necessary with people that *I* find to be socially awkward because I feel that I am making them feel very uneasy or I'm exploiting them and I don't like that feeling. i generally like to let a person speak freely so they don't feel rushed, but if I encourage a S.A. person to continue I feel as if I'm indeed exploiting them. I'm glad I could learn more by watching this video. Thank you.

[molasses]

I just discovered you. This is all new to me. I think my husband is an Aspie. I think you do an amazing job of explaining things. I have been very frustrated and unhappy in our marriage for years. I will keep learning. Your videos are amazing. Keep up the good work!

[lyndseymeagenwalker]

This is WILD!!! 😅🤩 Great way to explain this! Perfection.

[MuskPumpkin]

Dude, that’s a lot of energy. Good on you. ✌🏽

[AnnHelle]

This is awesome and it's teaching me to much about myself.

Artifical expressions are exactly what I've been doing all my life. I've kind of 'mastered' it but it has never, and will never, come naturally to me. I've always thought everyone else does this, but apparently not.

When I'm talking to someone, I'm constantly timing my eye contact duration - make eye contact for a few seconds, okay that's enough, now look away for another few seconds, check out something in the background, okay now look back at them again. And I'm constantly checking if I'm emoting correctly. I do better during serious talks when I can just put on my 'wow this is tough, I'm thinking deep and hard about what you're saying right now' and that's much easier to handle.

The worst are small talk situations when I realise that this is the moment I'm supposed to smile, just 5 seconds too late.

I'm rambling but I feel like finally, I can talk about my experiences and be understood, and not looked at like I'm a weirdo.

[ekkolima]

Wow. I've felt that way my whole life but you've encapsulated those thoughts so perfectly.

I used to get all the questions and reminders from people and that was annoying AF..

I see the relationship between all the elements discussed and I have a better understanding of the issue. Thank you so much.

[henriksvensson]

As a guy with a degree of aspergers I can relate alot to this problem. We are all different but for me I found a way to make eye contact alot easier when interacting with ppl and that is to not only looking at the person im speaking to but to keep the focus on the person and ignoring myself. That way I dont care what others think of me and the anxiety is greatly reduced.

[ryandavis]

i've started wearing sunglasses all the time. completely lost my ability to mask (and realized i was autistic) when my digestive issues escalated to the level that i am not able to dose my stimulants at levels that allow me to both participate and mask simultaneously. very underemployed at the moment due to this. (i make ice cream at night alone. vs. before i was a tech lead software engineer) thanks for all you do Paul. your guidance has helped me accept myself and begin learning to respect myself for the first time in my life. 🖤👽

[thehiddenhaven]

You explained it so well! It’s so tiring having conversations with people while trying to react with the right facial expressions to all the things they are telling you, as well as maintaining the proper eye contact. It’s very awkward that is for sure.

[jonanderson]

I'll just say. Every time you looked into the camera I was a little intimidated. It wasn't anything about your soul. All I saw was beauty and concentration. I just paid attention to your shirt collar and mic. Sometimes the wall behind you. I really don't do eye contact. Voice contact is all I really give most of the time. Eye contact is left for emphasis. My bad for the rant. Good video tho. Appreciation.

[Dancestar]

We process info differently and our eyes flit all over the place as part of this.