💕MAMA TRAUMA BONDING: NARCISSISTIC AND BORDERLINE MOMS

A Mama Trauma Bond is a trauma bond created in childhood, but still being acted out in our adult relationships with our moms, in a cycle of toxic narcissism and/or borderline wounding or generally unhealthy parental behavior that has really never stopped since childhood.

In essence, we are still acting out the childhood wounds and trauma bond, with our mamas.

So many women and men who have experienced a range of challenging childhood relationships with parents, are still stuck in the original wound with a parent, and often don't even realize how unhealthy it truly is.

Why? Because it's always been this way. She's always been this way.

It's not "normal," but it's our normal.

This video explores what I am calling the "Mama Trauma Bond" and implores those who are still in it to understand how it keeps us living in our childhoods, and too upset or frustrated or fearful to change, because the pattern is so familiar, and then, what we must do to begin to heal and stop this cycle.

Just because she loves you and you love her, it doesn't mean you should have to ride the emotional rollercoaster of love and hate, every day or every week or month of your life.

💕💕You are worthy of boundaries, of love and healing and happiness.💕💕

Resources:

Understanding the Borderline Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughter's of Narcissistic Mothers
Toxic Parents: S. Forward
Emotionally Immature Parents
Stop Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

xo

💕💕More psychology and therapy related tools, info and resources coming in the New Year via my mailing list, please consider joining!

[VictoriaMadeira]

I’m taking care of my nephew because my sister passed away when he was 1 year old, I used to overreact a lot and expect perfection from him when he did something wrong just found out that I have fearful- avoidant attachment, I love him so much and I didn’t know how impactful my words and action were, I felt so bad because of my behavior, I’m working on myself to the secure type… I am healing my relationship with him and with myself.

I will come back to this comment in one year…❤

[cp]

Working in the hospital, I often had patient's daughters say, I'm terrible for thinking I'm happy my Mom is gone. I tell them that they aren't and tell them my story. Dr. Kim, this confirms it. Thanks.❤

[kristen]

Haven’t spoken to my mom since 2014… She became so toxic. I was always the scapegoat, always felt this hatred and almost jealousy from her even as a child… I always felt like the “adult” when I was w her even at 12 yrs old…it was so confusing. She was the same w my younger sister but not as severe. Complete opposite w my brother…go figure. It was always about her. My last straw was her going against me w my ex husband ( testified against me re my daughter, went and stayed w him for 6 weeks). It was devastating. I finally decided, sadly, no contact was the only way. It was too unhealthy. I don’t feel angry anymore just sort of sad and disappointed. I’m just seeing now in my 40’s how damaging this has been to my life. I feel “awake” now that I understand. Just need to work through this. I get it intellectually but the emotional part- wow I’m damaged. I recognize it and I’m going “through it”, it feels heavy, shameful, disgusting, just sad. I’ll do it though.. I’ve hurt others too, not understanding myself & my reactions; I want to make my mistakes right. Sending everyone dealing w this- all the best and so much strength 🙏🏻

[everydayarty]

Thank you for this. I still am not sure exactly what is going on with my mom but I know I spent the first part of my life being unhealthily obsessed with her and then ten years being angry and distraught before I ever knew anything about narcissism or BPD. It’s crazy that this primary relationship can be the first trauma bond and then set the stage for so many others.

[AHHHHOK]

My mum still thinks she "owns" me, Im 37 years old, and I do EVERYTHING for her. I drive her where she needs to go. Spend 30+ hours a week with her on average. Though I'm working on reducing it, but she notices and says she's lonely, or if it's been more than a day she goes "I've not seen you in days!". She is super supportive and helpful, but it's at the cost of my utter compliance to her demands. If I don't, or I upset her somehow I'm told I'm spoilt and selfish, and only out for myself.
She is also verbally abusive to my 13 year old autistic child. He's selective mute and sometimes when he does speak he's very fast and sometimes quiet, she's hard of hearing and gets angry with him due to what she THINKS she's heard him say.

[DrKimSage]

This video is for all of you who feel and experience so many challenging and hurtful emotions and situations with and about your moms, many of which you can't say out loud or tell most people. I know these relationships are so freaking complicated - a very dear friend first inspired this video, and then, all of the beautiful women and men I work with who struggle..."💕💕💕💕

[hussfamaz]

This👆🏼video is awesome!!! My mom and I get along when I do what she wants. When I say no or set a boundary, we fight. Actually not really even fight- she just lashes out and verbally attacks me. At 42, I’m learning to break the cycle. I am raising daughters of my own and I do not want to repeat the cycle! I really try to have limited contact with her.

[janetplanet]

After being in a dysfunctional relationship like the one you described with my own mother, I developed a nasty pain syndrome at around age 50. After suffering for nearly a decade, I was finaly able to get better with psycho therapy, physical therapy, regular exercise and most of all — NO CONTACT.

[dominiquehunter]

This was incredibly difficult to listen to. I cried the entire time.. I still hear her voice on a loop of all the nasty things she has said and still does to me, but of course I want to call her now! Which always makes me feel worse.

[eleah]

I'm 25 and I'm done with worrying about my mother and going along in her guilt trips and her blaming me etc., and now I feel su used and angry. I feel like an angry teenager. As if I never got to be one.

[jetpetty]

My mom is 85 and I'm working hard to understand and practice a healthier response/engagement. Whatever is going on, she's never happy with familial relationships...even when things are relatively stable. I've come to the realization that she may pass away without us having resolution. It's life....nothing is perfect or ideal

[PeaceOfMindIsATreasure]

I live and experience all these deep love, hate and hurtful moments with my mum, she's 86 and I'm 51 and she sucked up my whole life joy and still does. I'm the only child, only friend, only support to her, it's really devastating she doesn't make it easy to find a way to reach her heart. I have my son, my boy friend, my own life which need to be taken care of but she always want to put herself in the center of everything. So this channel is my only relief nowadays, and Dr. Sage is the only translator of these deep wounds, she is now closer to me more than any friend or acquaintance

[mjbreitmeyer]

I went no contact with my mother 6 months ago. The grief is very intense, but there's no drama now. She's 73 and doesn't speak to any other relatives or friends as they are 'all out to get her'. She was a slave to my grandparents which must have been deeply wounding, but I believe everyone has a choice in life. The love/hate dynamics with me became intolerable. She used me and lied to people using my name, literally thrown me under the bus, while constantly saying that I'm not on her side. As a child I was used as a messenger between her and whomever she happened to resent, while fed her own interpretation of other people's character (always bad, of course). It's been too much. I live abroad with my own family, which helps with keeping physical distance, but suffer enormously with thoughts such as 'What if something happens to her and she's on her own' 'I'm a bad person to leave my mum' 'What if she dies?' These thoughts are relentless.

[shaniahdeherrera]

Never have I had any interest in looking more deeply into “trauma bonding”, probably due to the fact that I avoid relationships like the plague. That was until I found another video by De.Sage referring to “mama trauma bonding”. The knot in my stomach spoke wonders honestly. Thank you so much for the work you’ve done, you have already done so much for my self self healing journey and I literally only found you this morning lol.

[carinagatta]

Great video. Here’s what I’ve found. A lot of people who are diagnosed as “BPD” are actually dealing with CPTSD - often, it’s a result of long term narcissistic abuse. And also, potentially, abuse from a more borderline style parent. I should know. I am the child of a malignant narcissist father and a mother more Borderline/CPTSD + alcoholic, completely unavailable. For a while, I labeled myself “borderline”… Then I learned that I was actually being abused by both parents, one a toxic narc and the other, a woman just in complete survival mode (married to an abusive toxic narc). And you’re right, whether it’s a malignant narc or borderline style/CPTSD person, they became that way due to their own pain and trauma. So it’s a repeating cycle that we eventually have to heal and deal with. Really great points, and empathy, thank you for sharing your videos.

[mariahlilienthal]

Thank you so much! Nothing has described what I'm going through as well as you did in this video. Everything fits to a T. I recently decided to leave my mom due to the behaviors you described. It's been hard, but my boyfriend and his family have been so supportive, I'm so grateful for them. I'm scared to let myself miss her. It's probably been about a month since I've seen her. Regardless, I can't remember a time that my life was ever this peaceful.

[samreenmuhammaddawood]

thank you for talking about this on a platform accessible around the world for free. Love from Pakistan

[lurb]

Not sure if you'll see this but thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never knew what issues my mother and I had but I always knew something was wrong growing up. I was her caretaker, doing everything I could to make sure she was happy and stable; desperately trying to avoid those low-lows that you refer to. Doing everything in my power to have the mother that idealised me, that was loving and kind. When I told people/therapists about the bad times they never understood why I stuck by her/ continued trying to help her. It was hard to express that it wasn't bad all the time, that sometimes it was amazing and I had the perfect mother. That I lived for those good moments. It's only now I am starting to breakaway after years and years of enmeshment. After researching my Mum's symptoms I chanced upon resources about bpd mothers and I cried in relief when I realised I'm not alone. It's going to be a long journey and me leaving has triggered her suicidal tendencies, but I cannot carry the guilt and the pain forever. Thank you. You're helping so many people with these videos, you have helped me. 💕

[touchedbyfire]

This is right on the money Dr. Sage. I have finally ended this ongoing trauma for myself but I am still working through the lifelong damage that has been done to my sense of self.

[mayaurbano-aly]

Thank you for this video, I’m in this situation with an elderly depressed mother who has no other close relative but me. I’m the only child. I live with so much guilt and heavyness in my heart every day.