How PDA avoidance feels from the inside

A short animated video exploring how PDA avoidance feels from the inside: how it operates at an emotional level and needs energy to overcome; how different statements trigger demand avoidance; what inverted demand avoidance is; energy-need; and incapacitation.

[OneCatShortOfCrazy]

Oh my goodness, How have I been to all these therapists that never understand my anxiety and make me feel like its weird every time I try to explain it. What causes anxiety they ask. Everything I answer, and then they look at me like I am from Mars. HOW Have they not heard of this? HOW have I not heard of this.? This is my whole life explained🤯. Thank you so much for this!

[janetdobinson]

I'm 68 and have only just realised I have PDA. It's been a tough life

[Jokaanan]

Y’know what’s funny? I feel this way towards myself and not others. I love to run around following orders from others all day; it makes me feel important. But when I try to follow my own orders, it’s like something is broken in the pathway, unless I feel “compelled” by pure impulse or passion. Many people say to give yourself little rewards, but that doesn’t work for me as anything I designate a “reward” becomes something I’m withholding from myself at all other times. I end up compulsively eating my reward candy, ahaha.

Maybe there is something wrong with how I am telling myself to do things - I am not being nice enough or making myself feel important for doing the thing? I will try out some of your positive phrasing to see if that helps. Another idea I have is rewarding myself for starting tasks, instead of rewarding myself for finishing them. Because if I really have PDA, then my biggest challenge is taking an instruction-directed action, not finishing the task. (If I don’t finish, that means another instruction is necessary to restart the task, which should come with a reward). Now I just have to think of a reward I can give myself *while* starting the task (i.e. no distracting activities) that isn’t food!

[evergreenforestwitch]

Thabk you so much for this!! I am 43 and am in the process of getting an autism dx and I am fairly certain I have this as well and I've never heard another person say they experience anything like this - such a relief! Thank you!

[fedoramcclaren]

Unfortunately, PDA is either unheard of by many therapists and psychiatrists in the United States, so it is tough to even receive a diagnosis.

I don't do well with jobs based on most jobs being meaningless in my life, and I don't do well with commands or directions (as well as advice or suggestions), even if they will contribute to some sort of help.

If i didn't come up with my own advice, i won't take it...well, even if i did come up with it, I'll procrastinate of just forget it if it feels like too much pressure.

It is tough to meet new people, or even keep friends because of it.

Because it is so rare, people think i am making this up or just being lazy...

P.S.: I can most definitely relate to the list you've created...

P.S. Part Two: I also do not do well with compliments, for they feel so condescending. Feels like you are only complimenting me based on you only being satisfied because it pacified you.

[rdpag]

That totally explains a lot of things that I struggle on a day to day basis. After watching your video, I got very overwhelmed by realizing that I have PDA. It made me have an internal meltdown.

[jimwilliams]

Thank you! I'm brand new to the concept of PDA, I suppose in part from being in the States. It feels largely applicable to me, I think my biggest factor is that most of it is internal for me, what I feel I am expected to do. That most often triggers dread or freezes. If I do get the top tier, actual demands, I do have that anger response, but I don't get it too much because I think I've trained most people I deal with regularly not to demand. And I am probably pathological about my fear of saying "no, " which I think fits into the picture somewhere. I suspect feeling like I can't say no either triggers more anxiety (someone asked me for something, OMG now I have no choice!) or resentment (why do they feel I must do it??). That layer of self-interpretation, which is part RSD, makes it that much more emotionally confusing.

I laughed at the toothbrush; that's become an increasing issue for me, and I hate going for a tooth cleaning because the hygienist seems to me to be soooo judgmental about how well I keep up my teeth. Which, come to think of it, was a big issue for my mother as well.

[snarkyandsane]

Thank you! This is so helpful as a mother of someone with PDA. I’m always curious how it feels to be him so I can help him. In fact, that’s a new conversation we continually have now: what does it feel like to be you in this situation? It has completely transformed our relationship and eliminated so much unnecessary stress for us both. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤❤❤

[sierratiffany]

Incredibly helpful! I've passed your video on to a client of mind who is struggling with irrationally powerful resistance to taking medication, even though they definitely help! Your video will be one that I use as a patient resource! Thank you! Tucson psychiatrist.

[Atreyuwu]

Recently dx'd with high functioning asd and one of my biggest issues has always been that when I want to do something or set a goal for myself (like say, learning computer programming) I will get excited about the prospect of learning a new skill, until it's actually time to do it - and then I get this physical feeling come over my body like *I CAN'T MOVE*.
It's almost like physical pain, or an extreme apathy that I feel in my limbs, and it becomes hard to lift them + I end up with anxiety.

Also throughout most of my life holding down jobs was equally difficult for the same reason. I wanted the job, I was happy to make money and work, but when it came time to go to work I would feel the same physical 'freezing up' and it would make it hard to get to work, the harder I tried, the more anxious I would get and I would ultimately end up calling in sick - all the while assuming I must have some kind of severe social anxiety or something, even though I never fully fit that profile (and the fact it happened with self-imposed restrictions or demands as well); and if someone made an appointment for me (like a partner saying "oh hey, I volunteered you to help at so-and-so's birthday at the end of the month") I would become irrationally angry, to the point of aggression (which resulted in a lot of self-hatred and depression - but it seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop when I was triggered?).

I found PDA by asking some ppl if they've ever experienced the same, and after watching a couple of videos I'm pretty sure this is what's going on.
I read some things that said early-life trauma or parental neglect, abuse, etc. has nothing to do with it - but I think that's a stupid thing to say given the lack of research as well as the fact almost everyone I've heard say they fit the profile can trace the reasoning back to childhood in some fashion.

For my own example, I was often forced as a child to have to do things I didn't want to do, like mow the lawn (being told I had to do it right when I would ask to go and play with friends - eg, Me: "my homeworks all done, can I go and play with my friends?" My Dad: "get out there and mow the lawn first" Me: "but my friends can only stay for an hour and they will have to go home!" My Dad: "No buts!!! Get out there and get it done, then you can go!" 😭) or being told to do the dishes when all the other kids my age were playing outside. I was also not often given a choice about what I wanted to do and would be forced to do things like go on scary rides, or even sit on the edge of a ferryboat overlooking the water (my Dad would hold me of course, but if I got scared and said I didn't want to do it he would get very angry and make me, saying that I needed to get over my fear and that I would have fun once I was up there [I didn't]) and I think that somehow this translated into this subconscious irrational fear that demands = bad.

I went through decades of self-medicating and trying different things to get over it, alcohol seemed to help but having to get drunk in order to 'do' things isn't really a feasible solution, I really would just like to not have this stupid disorder and be able to make myself do the things I want/need to do in order to get to where I want to be in life!!!

I know my Dad was just trying to raise me to be a hard worker, but I wish he had understood that the result was the exact opposite. Thankfully I now have a job where I am the Boss for the most part, and have a lot of leeway in getting things done - but it can still be a struggle when I'm on a time crunch, or when any other 'demands' are involved!!!

[kellypocock]

My boy fits PDA profile in so many ways. One thing I can't understand is when he asks for something then he doesn't want it, then he does and gets really upset. Anyone no what he is feeling or how I can help him.

[jantelopez]

Thanks so much for clarifying.. hearing straight from people who have diagnoses is so important in educating the public. LOVE THE CHART! really helpful.
PDA sounds a bit like ptsd but without specificity.. so a stress response (fight, flight, freeze or fawn) gets triggered by something quite general and unavoidable .. i.e signals from other people !
I have had avoidant behaviour for about a year.. triggered by family behaviour after my dad died.. it feels quite subliminal like you described. i have been diagnosed with adhd but i think my mum has PDA.
it would be so interesting to see the neuroscience of PDA.. it will take decades tho because psychiatry is weirdly avoidant of science!

[emmacassidy]

Has anyone ever thought, I can't do that I'll get in trouble. Doing things gets me into trouble. Breathing, talking, moving gets me into trouble.

[rebeckajarl]

Thank you for sharing, this makes so, so much sense. Because you just described me.

[Moodie]

Do you have any suggestions having Aspergers and dealing with PDA as an adult. I want to go to school for nursing but I’m feeling incapable because of this condition

[Milady-Potts]

This video is so helpful. It really gives me insight into my sons and possibly my husband. So often I feel others see his anxiety as a behavior issue or a choice when it is not. I would have never identified my my son on the Autism spectrum but the struggles of PDA fit him so well. Is it possible to have PDA and not be on the spectrum? I live in the states and have never herd of PDA before. Do you know if PDA is related to giftedness?

[tvathome]

English? Reminds me of the safety adverts 'Charlie says'.
If you are in UK how did/do you get treatment, finding it really difficult.

[HappyHoney]

My whole day. I think nt's are dogs and we are cats. Try forcing a cat to do what it doesn't want to. As a child, I know I felt I was an individual entity and my wants and needs were every bit as important as the adult's. I felt like I was trapped, controlled, unheard. I could not wait to be an adult and be free of having to do what other people want. I hated being a kid. I burned out and retired at 59. When they asked me what I was going to do when I retired, I told them 'Whatever I want to do. Not what everyone else wants me to do.' Only to find out I don't even want to do the things I want me to do.

[DaniilORourke]

Good video but please invest in a better mic if possible.

[Atreyuwu]

Hahaha, even clicking off the video by accident and then thinking "I need to click back and finish watching it", my next reaction becomes "No, I'm not going to finish watching that video because i don't have to" and I go to watch something else instead. XD