What Is My Spouse Thinking During Separation?

Dive deep into the intricate thoughts and emotions of what a spouse is thinking during separation from their marriage. In this enlightening video, relationship expert Coach Lee unravels the complex web of feelings, doubts, and decisions that lead to separation. If you're trying to comprehend the psyche of a departed spouse, or if you're navigating the rough waters of a separation yourself, this video offers invaluable insights.

The Emotional Turmoil of Separation: Second Thoughts, Doubts, and Longing

Separation, especially when it involves ending a long-term marital commitment, is rarely a simple decision. The complexity of emotions, shared experiences, and deep bonds formed over the years make such decisions particularly challenging. Consequently, it is not uncommon for a spouse who initiates the separation to experience second thoughts, doubts, and even miss the spouse they left. The narrative that the "leaver" is always sure of their decision or never looks back is far from the truth.

The Weight of Second Thoughts
When a person decides to leave their spouse, the reasons might seem crystal clear at the moment. Perhaps there were chronic issues like disagreements, dissatisfaction, or even more severe problems like infidelity. However, as days turn into weeks and weeks into months, the initial clarity can become clouded by memories of happier times, the shared laughter, the milestones celebrated together, and the challenges overcome as a team. The negative aspects that prompted the separation can, at times, be overshadowed by these golden memories, leading to second thoughts.

Moreover, humans are inherently averse to loss. The loss aversion theory, a foundational concept in behavioral economics, suggests that people feel the pain of losing something more acutely than the pleasure of gaining something of equal value. In the context of relationships, leaving a spouse often confronts the individual with a profound sense of loss. This realization can trigger second thoughts, making one wonder if they made the right choice or if things could have been resolved.

The Creeping Doubts
Doubt can be a constant companion after a major life decision, and separation is no exception. A spouse who has chosen to leave might frequently ask themselves: "Did I try hard enough?", "Were my reasons valid, or were they impulsive?", "Could we have salvaged our relationship with counseling or external help?". These questions can plague the mind, especially during moments of solitude.

Furthermore, seeing their left spouse move on or find happiness can amplify these doubts. The natural human tendency to compare oneself with others can lead to thoughts like, "Did I give up too soon?" or "Were they the better half in our relationship?". Such doubts can be incredibly tormenting, keeping the person in a state of emotional limbo.

The Longing and Missing
Beyond second thoughts and doubts, there's an emotional element that's often hard to shake off - the genuine missing and longing for the spouse left behind. Relationships, especially marriages, are a tapestry of countless shared moments, both monumental and mundane. The comforting routine of morning coffee chats, the silent understanding after a tough day, the shared jokes, or the simple joy of mutual hobbies – these become irreplaceable.

As humans, we are wired for connection. The oxytocin released when bonding with a partner creates feelings of warmth, trust, and intimacy. Even if a relationship has its problems, the oxytocin-driven bond doesn't disappear overnight. This biochemical connection, combined with shared memories, can lead to intense feelings of missing the departed spouse.

Moreover, certain triggers, like a song, a place, or even a specific date, can bring back a flood of memories, intensifying the feeling of longing. Special occasions, like anniversaries or mutual friends' gatherings, can be particularly challenging, as they highlight the absence of the left spouse, making their presence deeply missed.

Navigating the Emotional Labyrinth
It's essential to acknowledge that having second thoughts, doubts, or missing the spouse does not necessarily indicate a mistake. Emotions are multifaceted, and feelings of longing or doubt don't invalidate the reasons that led to the separation in the first place.

On the other side, the spouse who was left (chose the separation) should also recognize that their partner's potential doubts or feelings of missing don't always translate into a desire for reconciliation. It's a manifestation of the intricate emotional web that relationships weave over time.

[cedricbaker]

Been seperated 3 yrs Coach! Since i discovered your channel over 2yrs ago. Ive done everything i mean everything you suggested. And worked on self. And most importantly got off DRUGS been clean 3 yrs. Yesterday she said we gotta go to dinner when she picked the kids up. Not sure if with the kids or us.I didnt jump all on it. Then i got a lengthy text praising me for being a great dad to our sons 🤔 i reciprocated the same back to her for being a great mom.

[Aramakie]

On the subreddit r/Divorce and even on r/Marriage you can see the cycles that so many of these relationships are going through with the various different rants and questions. Just know that you should be fun, almost flirty, and consistent with your STBX, just as Coach Lee has suggested in other various videos. Best of luck and keep working on you!

[jimboslice]

I got my girl back like 5 months ago but it was a slippery slope at first but everything is way better now

[cLL]

My husband did the classic I don’t love you anymore. I honestly thought we were going through a rough patch of two young kids and no time to ourselves. He’s admitted there’s a connection to someone he works with but nothing has happened and isn’t the reason he left. We’ve been together 18 years and have always been so in tune with each other. I have tried the no contact but it hasn’t worked for me. We are in constant contact over kids, business and house. It’s so difficult

[EssyDee-tz]

Awesome coach Lee. Can’t wait. Please! I hope you talk on when the separation has been over a year and they are seeing someone casually for a while and insisting it has nothing to do with not coming back. They says they’re not in love with you and think they want a divorce thinking that’s the only way to be happy but deep down know you are great. How to get them back especially when kids are involved. I really feel people are struggling with longer separations and feeling a bit hopeless especially when they’ve changed and the spouse knows this but are hesitant for whatever reason or they believe they have made a decision and can’t go back on it. No social media as such is involved. Us more mature people in their early 50s don’t use social media that much.
Thanks again.

[jonathanpatten]

Hey Lee, I have been binge listening to your content! I also have the emergency break up kit. I have looked and I don't see anything that comes close to what I have going on. Mine is a 3 year relationship with a female, who I met when she was 9 months out of an 18 year relationship. Now, we had an amazing connection, passion and love and so much fun for 3 years. We started in the last year to cycle through connection, disconnection, and then reconnection. She could not plan with me and did not feel she could build a future until she dealt with her divorce. She left me this December due to not feeling connected, more so drained from the cycle, and needing to be alone to process her divorce. Now I see that she was trying to keep the limerence feelings as she couldn't move into the longer term emotions as they require commitment. Im following your course to the T. Im optimistic, but Im not seeing what to do in my kind of case, does the system have a chance? Thank!

[Pickles]

Thats what he told me . Ive done everything for everybody else and nothing for me . I'm still sad, i still cry. 😢

[asteroida]

My ex reached out to me after almost two years of no contact. He said he just wanted to say hello and hoped that I was doing well. I replied in the same way, thanking him for reaching out and expressing my well wishes. It has been about 30 days since then, and he hasn't said anything further. Sometimes I feel like sending him a very short message, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to initiate a conversation. I'm unsure about what I should do.

[therai]

Coach lee what about if my wife separated with me to pursue her affair? Ive seen videos with Limerance. I know for a fact that she is making a mistake. But before she left i told her to think long and hard about a divorce and that she must pay for it and not this guy. She has given me the "i still love and care for you" and "just because im not there doesn't mean i don't care for you."

[Pickles]

We had a good marriage, good times, bad times worked through it. Then boom.

[everythingkarma]

Please do a video like this for married people whose spouse is in a rebound

[Pickles]

When i see him Conversations of what he is doing and what he will be doing have talked about.

[jakeknoblett]

I was told that I was a great husband, “in most cases”, lol. I’m a great father to our daughters and that she knows that the divorce is not the best situation for them but she doesn’t “feel” like it’s where she’s supposed to be. Side note, there’s been another man in the picture for some time now even before the separation. So it’s been a pretty interesting circumstance to watch.

[tjmurphy]

Mine put a felony charge on me. Like gah dang. No contact to the extreme now.

[RareFootage]

Need help coach lee - My gf broke up with me she want us to be just friends.. i disagree and ghosted her... i christian she is muslim weve been together for 6years and always asking me to go mosque but i never go because i myself dont velieve in god ...Its been 1 week now she always crying in her 300k follwer tiktok... she keeps calling me on the first day of breakip but i ignore. we have no agreement at no contact rule...should i break no contact rule?
I feel very pity of her

[PerfectSuperSaiyan]

What if we are in the same phone plan and are in no contact? She was my fiance and I don’t wanna break no contact

[Pickles]

He never said im not in love with you he said im unhappy. I said ok bye.gone he was

[jmzelaya]

Do you have a video when you still live with your spouse. And iStill living together.

[chadha]

So when you're going through a separation that doesn't necessarily mean you're single does it?

[DonnyDarko-up]

Is strategic contact similar to SMART Contact or is it different?