5 Things NOT To Say When Your Spouse Is Leaving You

It’s very common- searching for exact words to say (and exact words not to say) in order to keep your spouse from leaving- or to win your spouse back. In fact, many things out there claim there is “one word,” or there is “one phrase” you can use to win your spouse back...

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Here’s the hard truth: there is no exact word or phrase. But here’s the good news: there are things you can do if you’re in this situation, there is hope!

We know the situation you are currently in is extremely difficult. Wherever you find yourself, you may want to focus on the fact that your spouse is gone, or is leaving. However, it's important to shift your focus to the “why.” Is your spouse feeling pulled out of the relationship by something else? Is there something pushing your spouse away from you, from the relationship?

Whatever it may be, here are five things you should avoid saying if your spouse is thinking about leaving (or has already left.)

First, avoid doing behaviors that actively “push” your spouse away. Crying, yelling, and begging are natural reactions when we feel like we’re losing someone we love. However, these are not the best reactions for the long term. Showing them the levels of our emotional pain doesn’t “guilt” them toward coming back. What can you do? Be strong, calm, and gentle. This is NOT easy, but is invaluable.

Second, don't threaten your spouse, or give ultimatums.

Third, don't make empty promises. Do not say “I’ve decided, all of the sudden, to make changes,” in order to keep them to stay. Rather consider these questions: Do you agree that you need to make these changes? Are these changes against your beliefs? Are you going to actually make the changes? Focus on long-term changes.

Fourth, do not bring up an emotional situation or what they’ve done in the past in order to change the current circumstances. It won’t work.

Fifth, do NOT (and do not hire someone to) snoop, track, or follow, your spouse. If you focus on what your spouse is doing/where your spouse is, you are focusing on the WRONG thing. What’s happening right now is not what led to him/her leaving, it’s what happened in the weeks, months, and years up to now.

We aren’t saying you are the one to blame. There are many reasons a person may want to leave a marriage. However, it’s wise to admit that no marriage is perfect and there is no “perfect spouse.” We are not perfect. We still correct our own wrongs. This is why it’s important to focus on what you can do to become a better person, husband, wife.

If your spouse is leaving, or has left, and you don’t know what to do, we do. Here at Marriage Helper, this is the EXACT situation we see day to day. If you feel like there is no hope, there is, we KNOW! We’ve seen it thousands of times.

We have workshops, online courses, and coaching that can make lasting changes in your marriage.

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0:00 Introduction
0:03 5 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS LEAVING
0:42 THERE ARE NO MAGIC WORDS
1:28 WHAT ARE THE UNDERLYING PROBLEMS?
1:38 ARE THEY BEING PULLED?
1:47 ARE THEY BEING PUSHED?
3:36 THESE BEHAVIORS PUSH THEM AWAY
4:49 STRONG, CALM AND GENTLE
5:32 PUSHES THEM AWAY FASTER
6:07 THINK, BEFORE YOU SPEAK
6:19 FOCUS ON THE LONG-TERM
6:37 1. PUSH 2. THREATEN OR GIVE ULTIMATUMS 3. MAKE EMPTY PROMISES
7:45 1. DO YOU AGREE WITH THE CHANGES? 2. ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO CHANGE?
8:10 SHOW THEM YOU ARE CHANGING
9:45 DON'T FOCUS ON THE WRONG THINGS
10:51 VIOLATION OF THEIR PRIVACY
11:10 MITIGATE ANY FURTHER DAMAGE
11:47 WE UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION

[MarriageHelper]

Learn HOW to get your spouse back with our FREE Mini Course here:

[melissa]

you can't force someone to love you . people have to let go.

[rowdeo]

No let them go. No way have some pride. Married three times: first betrayal and head injury, second bad fit and drugs and third wonderful marriage going on forty seven years. There is hope and the reasons and actions and all that goes with being left are timeless and universal. You will find love again. Been happy for forty plus years with my now hubby.

[jvhamby]

Generally if your spouse is leaving you. They are already checked out. The AP has a hold of them. They were never loyal to begin with. Let them go and don’t look back.

[PucciNYC]

I told my Ex make sure you know what you doing before walking out the door cause there is no coming back. I said what I mean. Divorced and living a peaceful life.

[rebelqueen]

Really when someone wants to leave there's nothing going to keep them...let them go!

[david-ltwj]

They sometimes come back if they get dumped by their new relationship...
But by then you might have appraised them differently....

[jcnlaw]

Experienced divorce lawyer here (Pennsylvania and New Jersey). If everyone just stayed single or vetted a potential spouse more closely, the world would be a much happier place! Stay safe out there! Live your best life!

[shilpisaini]

Main thing is, the moment they decide to leave you is the end of trust n relationship. Why would you even want them to come back when you won't be able to trust and respect that person who left you in the first place. I think even after em coming back relationship will become even more miserable for you, thinking to workout with the person who already left you once, After all we are all human. Better find someone else who is 100% sure living with you, instead of living with someone who wasn't sure. People come back to their convenience, not bcs they love you. If they really loved you ever, they never leave you in the first place instead they will try to work it out while living together.

[CarolDudeck-blkz]

That’s very difficult at first to remain calm under severe Adultery conditions

[nishantb]

Some times we have to accept that everyone is different, if things don't work out, it's best to part ways rather than making lives miserable for both. It's best to walk away with dignity and respect instead of leaving hate and anger in heart.🙏

[queen_of_domination]

There are no right or wrong answers, especially if you are the one being abandoned.

[EarlGuyton]

The problem with nearly all people is their state of mind. No adult human has to have another human to be with them or to be with someone. My EX told me back in 2006 as I was sitting in my recliner, that she thought she was going to be leaving me. I felt a stab in my heart, but I stayed calm and just looked at her and said, well Jackie if thats what you want it is your right, so when you leave good luck. I showed no emotion at all, but showed a calm face and even my voice was like oh well, do what you think is best for you Jackie.. I handled it this way, because when anyone tells me something of the nature of I dont want you or im going else where, let them. Here is how I am as a person. I care for myself and I love my pets and I love my creator Jesus Christ and already feel love inside of me, and based on this no human can cause me hurt by saying get away from me or im leaving. She did leave several months later and went to stay with some lady friend and she would keep calling and saying im coming back but I need time, so my response to that was this, Jackie you left because you didnt want to be around me, so why come back? Go ahead and do what makes you happy. Then angry calls starting happening, and heres how I handled that. I would say Jackie youre not being nice so I have to hang up, now go enjoy your day. Of course I already had a divorce lawyer, but I just talked to her as though so what, do what you want dear. I have to admit after she was gone the house was much calmer and I slept better and did feel better. I do not need for some other person to be with me.

[AthleticMachine]

After being married for 3 and half years and 6 years total. My wife is not in love with me. We are going to couples counseling and she doesn’t think it’s working and we just started going for a month now. She doesn’t want to fight for the relationship and am doing everything I can to make this work

[jofelux]

I wonder how many people make all those communication mistakes like pushing, begging or even threatening and only after watch this video and realise "Man, I screwed it up". Something tells me that it is the majority...what helped me was to reach out to people, my friends, my family. Although I have never really been open and outspoken about my relationship to other people I just felt that I needed to vent or simply find support cause I felt extremely empty once he said the romantic relationship was over.
Indeed changing of focus is crucial here and repeating to yourself I can't control what he does, and be at peace with it.
A BIG THANK to the whole Marriage helper team, you're doing a great job in helping people.

[istvanbartha]

First of all, If your spouse the trust is broken and the team is split up. Put your own economical interests in the first your own landing in the first place....your spouse has become a stranger to you, who doesn't care about you or your feelings any longer, so no need to be the bigger person. Look forward instead.

[dominabussinessalex]

If it takes me to cry, begging or pursuing . i don't need that person in the first place then.

[nickdiaz]

Why in the world would you want anyone who doesn't want you...

[mams]

I remember when my ex wife left I had the EXACT right words: "THANK YOU! GET OUT!"
Greatest day of my life... I smile every time I think about it.. 👍 😂

[mattdad]

I love when I stumble upon these "what not to do" videos after I've made literally every mistake they list, and then some. Always a great feeling. Every once in awhile I like to be reminded about the times I've ruined my life in alphabetical order.