How To Deal With A Negative Spouse

We listen to your questions, and the one we will focus today on will be how to deal with a negative spouse. There are already issues with how that's phrased, so let's get right down to it. Stay tuned to learn more about how to handle, deal with, and help a "negative" spouse.

00:15 Get clear about what you control and what you don't
01:38 Labeling
04:36 Be an example of positivity
05:57 Hurt people hurt people
07:13 Choose love (it's a choice!)
07:51 Practice humility
08:12 Creativity

Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins

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MUSIC
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Track: Kisma - We Are [NCS Release]
Music provided by NoCopyrightSounds.
Licensed under Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0

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Video by Nate Woodbury

#LiveOnPurpose
#PositiveParenting
#Positivity

[martinleonard]

It’s different when you constantly try to be a positive and all you get is negative. Getting yelled at because she’s having a bad day. The cold shoulder because she’s having a bad day. I try and try to comfort her but nothing. You have to be happy. Being with someone that’s negative is exhausting

[bonnie]

Some people drain all the positivity out of you on the daily.

[mrsmommy]

I’ve started doing things on my own, or just with our kids, or with my friends. Natural consequences: no one wants to be around a grouch. It’s sad, but hoping by me not engaging in the negativity and just staying silent and by doing my own thing without him, hopefully God will convict his heart one day. If not, oh well. Can’t change him. I refuse to let my light be dimmed by his darkness anymore. Not wasting another moment being upset about him being so cranky! Not worth it! If I allow him to quench my light, then I can’t be light to others and the darkness wins and I will NOT LET THAT HAPPEN ON MY WATCH

[rachelg.]

0:33 Its hard enough to change yourself, its impossible to change someone else 👍🏾

[catbee]

Calling my husband 'negative' is not a label, its the truth. Since when are we 'labeling' someone when we call them out on their bad behavior? I've supported my husband mentally, emotionally and spiritually for more than 4 decades and HE chooses to be negative and finding the 'Eeyore' in everything.
A wife needs her spouse to be positive and supportive. This is what you call 'encouragement'. We need encouragement and support, not someone who finds the 'awful' in everything.
Who the HELL wants to do anything with a spouse who finds everything defeating?
Very depressing and makes me want to find find other people who will see the glass half full, NOT FULLY EMPTY.
This. This is why spouses look to others (same or opposite sex) for some levity and positivity.

[lu]

I agree with everything you have said here. I am one of the MOST positive people you will meet - fun, carefree, always laughing and enjoying life. I have plenty of people in my life and have a good time. My husband, I truly feel, is one of those hurt people who likes to commiserate. My positivity does NOT make him more positive. It seems he tries to make me upset and ruin my good moods. I will actually say, "I am NOT going to fight with you. " I will try compassion and give him a hug. I try to joke and bring light. I try to listen, though he refuses to open up. He will continue to poke and poke and be meaner and more critical... until he finally changes MY mood to a negative one. Therefore, while I am hearing what you say here, and I think they are great points, none of them help with my husband. Any thoughts?

[mwm]

FYI - sending them this video is NOT a good idea. 😒

[MoFoDaRoad]

It’s possible to recognize someone as negative or toxic even and it not affect you. That’s when you know you’re done with this person.
I believe it’s a great thing to be the opposite of the said negative person but only for yourself rather in an attempt to manage their negative energy.
PS: at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why your spouse is negative. That’s their business. Don’t put yourself in a place to be their emotional dumping ground. It will only tear you down.

[kaizze]

my problem is that IM the only one who's trying to "improve" myself by watching videos like this to learn how to communicate with my wife. SHE doesnt do "self improvement" for whatever reason so its always up to ME to improve ME to deal with HER. shes got her pie and gets to eat it too. and its not enough...

[CleoraAleise]

He had me at the beginning but towards the middle & end he began speaking bs 😂 the best thing to do is to leave

[pyadav]

My husband is hypocrite, he is bad to me and shows good side to other people.I tried to be positive for last one and half year and tried multiple times to change the situation to positive but it has turned my life to hell.
He never apologize even when he is wrong clearly and Knowing blames me on everything.
Things you said are easy to do but is painful if instead of reciprocating he keeps pulling me down in term of confidence and myself

[timholmes]

Hey dr. Paul I really appreciate your work and this message is very good. There is an important phase I've heard at the end of "Hurt people, hurt..." 'NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD, BUT BECAUSE THEY ARE IN PAIN. Seeing others from their pain changes my perspective of their behavior. Thank you for your help and ministry to our world.

[trillianmcmillian]

Im the negative spouse and this helped me. Thanks

[amakaegesimba]

May God give me the grace to always choose love. I really needed this! Thank you

[michaelbruce]

My wife is negative. I showed her your videos . First words were negative about you. I told her you help me. Didn’t matter. Well anyway on my way to therapy and seen this video. I needed this information. Thank you.

[jklynb]

I’m really tired of being creative, positivity and patience. It’s all I’ve ever been for 10 years. He’s still moody and negative. So ….. yesterday he suggested that we take a ride in my new car. Today he says, no, I’m in a bad mood.
I just responded “ well, I don’t want to go anywhere with you in a bad mood then and went about my business.
Just let him sit there like a bump on a log that he is.
I don’t care. I’m over trying to “entertain and coerce him “ into living a decent life.
I’m going to live mine.

[victoriarichardson]

Omg why do I feel like this was personally made for me!!!! 😭 thank you so much!!!

[big_t_dynasty]

I've been trying to be the positive one for over a decade. I try to love her in her love language but she refuses to love me in mine. You can only lift someone up for so long before you feel like your efforts are futile.

[EvilMPire]

Thank you again for providing these videos. They are a great resource for us, who weren’t given the tools by our parents, to know how to deal with certain situations in marriage or with raising children in a healthy way.

[geulahdreamscometrue]

So grateful for your talk, custom made for me. It's hard to find a positive label for him because of HOW he can be so disrespectful and unloving if I don't meet his irrational expectations. Yes, he's responsible, overly so when it comes to finances, and some other things.
1) assume the best. That's not like him to act that way. He was acting out of pain. He didn't mean it, but I did take him seriously, so I allowed myself to act like a victim 2) practice humility - be open and see him as hurting. 3) step up and show up & choose the love that he's lacking. Thank