Why Changing is So Hard

If you're struggling to make lasting changes in your life, you're not alone. After talking to over 100 experts on psychology, mental health, and personal growth, I've learned why change is so hard.

When we try to change it's natural to focus on ourselves. But we're social creatures, and we rely on our social connections for support, validation, and a sense of belonging. When we attempt to change our behavior or mindset it can disrupt the status quo - also known as the homeostasis - of our social groups, creating tension, conflict, and resistance.

Navigating these social aspects, in addition to all the other challenges associated with changing a longstanding pattern, is one of the reasons lasting change is so difficult.

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[tygerstar]

“Can’t change”. No. “Hard to change”. Yes.

[BBWahoo]

It's definetly a resistance fueled by an unsustainable sense of self worth. I just recently realized that's why I put things off, because I think it's above me.

[nath]

This is so true and really explains the times in my life where I felt held back, especially in intimate relationships. Appreciate you for putting this out there and sharing what you have learned 🙏

[elainec]

Thanks for this video, Forrest. Appreciate your thoughtfulness in diving into what can seem like a basic concept. The complexity that arise in social circles as one walks their path of growth is very real. It can almost seem like I can’t hold relationships or am ungrateful for the circles I’ve been privileged to be a part of. But when the burden of stunting my own growth becomes too much to bear, I’ve found that I’m left to no other choice but to pull away. Now knowing this, I have the opportunity to navigate to honor both mine and the group’s needs. Thank you.

[emmabobby]

I started therapy and setting small boundaries with my borderline narcissistic mother who tried to make me give up therapy, and she and my siblings stopped speaking to me. This sounds like it could be an explanation. I was the scapegoat in the family and i can understand my sister and brother wouldn't want to risk having to fall into that roll.

[creative]

Love this, thanks. Something I’m learning more deeply lately is that really baby steps are the most useful thing. Like getting into exercise - one week I tried to walk a bit more. The next week I managed to run once. The next week twice. Then three times a week etc. Easing in to a new habit is helpful and going slowly helps me be more observant of the feelings/thoughts/beliefs that pop up when I try a new action.

[arunimasikder]

Thank you so much! I have been struggling with this. I lost so many people in the blink of an eye! And I kept wondering why.
I denied to conform to their idea of me, I denied to be a person who is “chill”, “up for anything”! I started having boundaries and it scared everyone away. No one was up for meeting me where I was heading. But it is so soothing to know that this is a part of the process, and that I can find people who resonate with me:)

[NaijaBossx]

Thanks for this video, you just gave me the boost necessary to leave the toxic group I found myself in

[chantalaudet]

I love the analogy to homeostasis! This will help me explain to people I coach why social pressure can be the biggest road block.

[NeutroniousTemp]

People in your surroundings (especially family and friends) actually get pleasure putting you down, thats why they dont want to see you change
You being in a low positions, makes them feel that they are in a higher position
hard truth but it is what it is

[jonber]

This is interesting. Being of another school than psychology i would use the word identity, and group identity. The homeostasis is the conscious pattern only known by the group and the individuals assume their roles and identities within the group, to maintain the equilibrium that is survival. In other groups they assume other roles. I for instance, was quiet as a mouse with my family, and a dramatic and spontaneous emotional extrovert at school.

Also i would like to highlight identity, as a factor why most people never really leave their traumas, even when fully non identified with the trauma. Cause the years they spent in healing, have become the new identity. And one could argue, that is still being the trauma.

Also the nervous system takes years to rebuild to new insights and behavioral patterns, real change sets in many years after the insight. This is my experience

[arbez]

Listened twice already! This is interesting and informative for me. Thank you.

[janerosebrough]

This teaching helps me understand my incremental slide towards gaining
back the weight I lost for health reasons early in early Covid days…
Thanks—I will plan to find away to say a kindly “NO” to some unhealthy
food choices 🙏🏼

[MsGuitars]

Forrest this was wonderful! I know a lot about psychology but I didn't realise how significant this actually is. Thanks for the video, awesome :)

[gregbilser]

Thought-provoking! Change and healing does hurt and the people around us will always make their own decisions about how they want to respond - if at all - to our efforts All I would say is that we don't always see things through the right lens and maybe don't always allow the right people to change us in ways we need either - so maybe it works both ways.

[blakeaaron]

This is a really worthy mechanism to address and articulate. Well done.

[nzepwhm]

thinking this way really helped me see and predict and then break the vicious cycles in my life

[atharchaudhry]

Yes dear, Staying same is easy for both; our subconscious mind and for our social group.

[lydiabisaillon]

Another fantastic video!! Well, informed, eloquently presented and authentic. Thank you, Forest! So appreciate all you (and Dr. Hanson) share. 🙏🏼

[angelacavar]

Thanks for this!!!! Very helpful and insightful.