Working with Trauma-Induced Shame - with Bessel van der Kolk, MD

When we begin to work through a client’s trauma history, shame can sometimes bring the therapeutic process to a standstill.

So, how do we help clients begin to unpack deep layers of shame without halting their progress?

In the clip above, Bessel van der Kolk, MD gets into a parts approach for working with trauma-induced shame (and explains how shame can be adaptive).

[echoeos]

I've never blamed myself for being raped as a 15 year old girl, in my mind I could managed to escape. When I discovered, 40 years later, I have DID, I understood what's happened and decided I don't want to be shamed and blamed any longer, from no one, even from myself not.

Only cure for shame is self compassion. I couldn't prevent what was happened. My dissociation and amnesia helped me feeling less/no pain while happened and living kind a normal life afterwards, with no memory about it. I refuse to be shamed for something I didn't choose to happen. I am grateful for being' saved' and could 'escape', even in my own mind. My poor soul left the body behind to be tortured. There is nothing to be ashamed, just a tremendous sorrow for a little girl whom I was.

People who are rapers must be ashamed, not we.

[punyashloka]

Thank you 🙂 this helps a lot. I understand the shame part more now because of people like you and the the work you all have done.

[maria.c]

Very good, thank you! I feel this little nugget of wisdom and clarification is helping me shift my understanding and relationship with shame, this self protective part of me.

[danielbarrera]

For me it's feeling shame for being sensitive and honest.

The hurt part is really hurting me physically right now though.

It's causing my right side to be more tense - particularly the jaw/face/forehead muscles.

I have to take extra care to relax it.

[jenniferreesdavies]

Really interesting to hear people who question why stuff happened to them and think how they can do stuff differently in the future to prevent such stuff happening again have better outcomes. That fits with an observation I'd made but hadn't realised I had, and puts words to it beautifully. . Thank you for that reference Bessell. This is why à victim role is so damaging to the victim whereas a student role gives the key to unlock the door and get out, and if shame is the vehicle to get someone there then that's a good thing and reframes how I view shame, something I'd nit been able to understand other than as a negative that's used to control others in the power over situation.

[robynhope]

The only shame I had is who my parents were...and the place of my birth.