8 Signs of A Dysfunctional Family System - Terri Cole

Do you think that you might have grown up in a dysfunctional family system?

What actually “counts” as dysfunction? While there are some characteristics that might seem obvious (like addiction or abuse) there are other markers for dysfunction that have become so normalized within our society that they can render dysfunction nearly invisible. I am all about helping you raise your awareness and increase your self-knowledge so that you can recognize and heal from any dysfunctional experiences and avoid repeating them in your adult relationships.

That’s why in today’s episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on traits of dysfunctional family systems so that you can learn more about how your upbringing might be negatively impacting you today… from the way you parent your own kids to how worthy you feel of being authentically loved…and we will hit what you can do to start to heal from any lingering wounds from the past.

*About Terri Cole*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

*Connect With Me*

[zofiajaneczek]

The past sadly does have ramifications towards your future. Toxic legacy tends to creep in generation after generation until someone wakes up and stops the damage. It takes an extreme amount of strength, courage, self-work, introspection to find abuse, halt it and change the programming. What you deny will persist and haunt you. You MUST face truth, no matter how painful it is! Freedom is in knowing your past in order to change your future! Thank you this was extremely helpful.

[REJ]

It took me years before I realised I came from a dysfunctional family because I had been brainwashed into normalising what I later came to understand was codependency. I left home at the age of 18 because my alcoholic BPD father turned his violence towards all women on me, and I suffered some serious injuries. I knew if I didn’t get out I wouldn’t survive.

What I didn’t see in myself was that I didn’t understand that I could say no. I believed that it was wrong to say no and that other people’s needs must always take priority over mine. I hardly spoke but listened to everyone because my mum had groomed me into becoming a world expert confidant, everyone’s personal therapist. People treated me like dirt being scraped off their shoe but I didn’t notice it. I thought it was ok to be abused.

In order to force me to return home under her control, my mother worked on me to convince me that I had serious mental health problems and that I was incapable of looking after myself. She sent the Police to check up on me twice at the bedsit where I was living. She even reported me as working as a prostitute. Fortunately the Police were wise enough to realise what was going on and ceased to take my mum’s complaining seriously. She then started writing to me that she thought I was selfish and narcissistic and that I was a terrible daughter to abandon her, leaving her to suffer at the hands of a violent man, my father. She said it would be on my conscience if he killed her. I tried to persuade her to leave him and come and live with me but she refused. She the started writing to my landlord about her concerns about my mental state and suitability to live alone. My landlord reported me to social services because he believed I might be at risk of harm to myself - all based on what my mum had told him. I have never self harmed, though god knows it would be understandable if I had. A social worker paid a visit. Even then I wasn’t able to tell the social worker about the domestic violence and abuse. I felt obliged to protect my parents. The social worker asked me to see my doctor which I did, and my doctor referred me to the mental health services.

I’ll never forget my first appointment. I told a psychiatrist about my mum’s concerns that I was selfish and narcissistic and asked if I could be assessed to see if I really was a narcissist. His reply was very straight forward - I was not a narcissist. He then went on to explain what narcissism looks like, what behaviours are exhibited, the expectations that others are there to meet their needs, that others are seen as an extension of the narcissist, the manipulation, the gaslighting, and most importantly the need to control others. I quickly realised who the narcissist was and was relieved to know that it wasn’t me. But I did have something wrong with me. I was suffering from codependency, attachment trauma, and severe anxiety. I was in a permanent state of hyper vigilance. My nerves were shot to pieces. I suffered night terrors which freaked out any friends who came to stay over at mine. And I lived in fear of being drawn back under my mum’s control.

Twenty years later, a lot of therapy, and continuing resistance to pressure from my family I was able to stand up for myself with healthy boundaries. I got my degree, trained to be a nurse and ended up working in the NHS mental health services.

I will never forget the damage that dysfunctional families can do. It has an impact that can last generations.

But there is hope if one is prepared to face the past and see it for what it was.

I think it was the author Alice Miller, the Swiss psychoanalyst who wrote the book The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self. It is so true - facing the truth, however painful it may be, will indeed set you free.

[avenginggoddess]

Great video! I would love to hear you talk more about super-religious families and how that can create fear in kids.

[Melisusy]

My mother is a raging narcissist. I don't think she was born with a soul that one. Growing up in that household was hell. My father is a pedophile too. I was/am the scapegoat. My mother kept me isolated from everyone and I wasn't allowed to have or express emotions and now as an adult, I can't even cry. I also never even have allowed myself to be in a relationship. I'm 34 and have always been single. I'm in therapy but my life has been severely impacted. I have CPTSD from it. Thank you Terri. I love your videos.

[ronesss]

Wow Terri your Mum sounds like the true anti-narcissist! As a mother myself I am determined to keep building a positive bond with my kids but to allow them a separate identity and the freedom to live their lives as they wish. Interdependent as opposed to Co-dependent. Thank you for your amazing videos I hope you can make more on this specific topic ❤️

[nannaarc]

I grow up in a dysfunctional family with Narcissistic mother and codependent father, my aunts and uncles were either codependent or full-blown narcissist, and I was "lucky" to be the scapegoat. I saved myself at the end, and then my narcissistic family turn against each other. I guess I created a disruption in the way my family have functioned. I was not happy to see and witness how my family turned against each other but I was wise enough to know that I could not fix them. I still suffer severe blows from time to time but I learned how to handle them. Above all I am thriving. I left the dysfunctional organisation I worked for, I am building my own company, I work with projects I like, every day I learn something new. I have learnt more in the last 3 months in my own company then in 7 years in that dysfunctional organisation I used to work for. I am grateful for all insights I have got thanks to Lisa A. Romano, Terry Cole, dr. Karyl McBride, Jerry Wise, Alise Miller just to mention a few that helped me on my way to recovery.

[brollicon]

As always take care of you. Great words if you grew up in a house where you are forced to drop your dreams or desires to benefit your parents. You grow up codependent and believing you have to take care of others.

[loritikka]

My home was definitely fear based plus my dad was an alcoholic. I have had thyroid issue since my early twenties, a pituitary tumor in my fifties along with a stroke. I am now sixty and coming to grips with what happened. Thank you so much for sharing all this great information ❤️❤️❤️

[reneec]

OMG! This is perfect. Acknowledging dysfunction is the only way out! Can hardly wait for next week's episode!

[stellawoods]

Your videos are very helpful and your eyebrows are always on point!😊

[sk_abstract_art]

A dear friend of mine had recently recommended your channel to me...You are amazing and I love how you have made this communication your mission. I'm currently working on mother wound and dysfunctional family issues that I had dealt with years ago and now have crept up again. Your information has really been helpful and I'm gaining new insights. Thank you so much Terri!💖

[boomerangsruckflug]

All these traits apply to my family. They slapped us without being drunk each time they were in a bad mood... We were not allowed to lock the bathroom, I had to wash in the morning together with my father in the same bathroom. They controlled everything. Some nights I woke up of a noise and saw my father standing in my room reading things from my desk etc. etc. Thanks Terri!!!

[SharlenesJourney]

I had an awakening yesterday. I realized that I have lived in an very unhealthy abusive Dysfunctional family. My brother was aways abusive towards my mom and he would yell at her and put her down. I have blocked these memories out for so long that I kind of forgot about it. Now at 24 I live with sick brother who is very dysfunctional I always tell him im moving out because im tired of all of the mental abuse he is putting me through he always tells me no and that we need to stick together. My mom used to baby me a lot now I am so lost in life, I don't know how to get my drivers license, how to speak to people or how to speak for how I feel. I always put my feelings below everyone else's. I will say sorry for something that I didn't do 😞. I hope that I can move out on my own I need to be independent . I want to be at peace 🙏🏽

[yaquelinllerena]

I just want to say thank you so much this was an amazing video. It was so helpful so true if you can please make more videos like this I think a lot of us can relate to this topic. Thanks

[jillwhiting]

This video has been very helpful as I have been for help many times but so we do not slide we have to always be seeking more help to keep out sanity.

[juliamarie]

This was very enlightening, thank you.

[lisaklemm]

As a person working a strong Al-anon recovery program this information will aid my upcoming 4th step work. Thx. for sharing and I look forward to "obsessing" ;)
with more of your videos.

[bandieboo]

Thank you for the videos. You are an extremely lovely individual and so astute.

[ladybetwixt]

I really, really love your videos and cheat sheets! 🙏🙏 for all you do, Terry! 💞💞💞💞

[janethomas]

At three My first thought was "there is no love in my family, there must be a mistake?" At four my 16 yr old sister put me in the car telling me my grandmother was evil. I spent the nest eight hours in the car terrified as we drove to see her. THESE "MAKE HER AFRAID scenarios" continued until I was 60 and went no contact. GOOD LUCK!!