The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher | Big Think

The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plenty of people are pessimistic about the state of relationships in society. Dr. Helen Fisher, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, isn't one of them. She sees trends like extended periods of cohabitation before marriage and a persistent fear of divorce not only as interrelated, but also signs of a healthy change in attitude toward love. While marriage was once the start of a long-term relationship, she says, today is it's the finale. And that's a good way to cope with a brain whose primitive regions are driven intensely toward short-term relationships. Dr. Fisher also explains how to maintain novelty, the fuel of romantic love, and how to be aware of the brain regions that affect satisfaction in a relationship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELEN FISHER:

Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships — what she calls: slow love.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPT:

Maybe we’re going towards a time of happier marriages because relationships can end before you tie the knot. So within this study, I asked these 1,100 married people a lot of questions but one of the questions was, "Would you remarry the person you’re currently married to?" And 81 percent said yes. And I think that with what I call fast sex...

[LeanneH]

How to sustain a long-term partnership:
1. Continuously satisfy the sex drive of the brain
2. Novelty- do new things together continuously, even if its something small
3. Be physically close to each other to continuously build and sustain attachment
4. Say nice things to them
5. Have empathy
6. Control your emotions

[billbruehl]

We met and developed a friendship over some months before the kissing started. Then we were a couple for two years until we married 65 years ago. We had ups and downs but we worked on working them out and we learned interpersonal skills. When we celebrated our 50th many people came to the party and cheered the way we got along. We had learned to play and we could turn any problem into play and work it out by our 50th. The last 5 to 10 years were. pure joy. Now I grieve because she is gone, but I also cherish that pain because it reminds me how strong and joyful and dedicated we were to each other. I embrace grief and recommed others to try.

[masterjosch]

"before you decide to marry somebody, spend a good deal of time with them"
that's solid advice right there!

[redsnake]

So, if I want to learn how to love better, I guess I should learn:
* How to be more empathetic
* How to control and manage my own emotions
* How to have hope for and being more optimistic about the future
In general, I should try to be less annoyed by tinny things or traits and more pragmatical instead.

[animalkindness]

Everybody seems to be goin from relationship to relationship, ending up with a long line of ex's simply because there is a mentality about plenty more fish in the sea and finding the "Perfect" partner. SO instead it seems to me people are less likely to stick together and have each others back Because when things go sour or hard times come, they leave instead of growing together and getting through problems together. But is that really love when you only wanna be there in a perfect relationship for the good times only? love isn't finding someone perfect. it's loving someone imperfect

[Super__Goliath]

"We're built to love." Love this quote

[ellabellina]

Very true, I'll remarried my partner over again and again after 25 yrs. He lets me be myself For instance, when my son started high school, I went back to school to become a teacher. He had not objection in taking care of the family while I was away. He loves me the way I'm;a bit crazy, impulsive, kind, caring, funny, stubborn, determine, and strong woman but respectful and loving. He tells me nice things when I am not at my best and focus on the " positive illusion"of our relationship. Priority ( our family) and respect are the keys ...no put downs or belittling. He has his hobbies and I have mine, but we both enjoy travelling, meeting new people and helping kids in our community.

[wendydecker]

It's true what Dr. Helen Fisher says. My husband and I were together long distance for 3 years on a roller coaster ride of emotions before we got married. Our first 2 years of marriage was tough, learning to adjust to each other's different quirks and habits. We're now married for 17 years, totally into each other, with a lot of give and take, complement and supplement.

[waynr]

I have so many flaws myself, my only hope is someone gracious enough to tolerate them while i try to improve.

[jsraadt]

1. Overlook what you don't like
2. Focus on what you do like
3. Express empathy for the partner
4. Regulate your own emotions
5. Have sex with the partner
6. Do novel things together
7. "Stay in touch" (simple physical touch)
8. Say 2-5 nice things a day about the partner to the partner

[moonlily]

I think that the problem with a lot of people is that they are addicted- using that word loosely- to the dopamine rush of the heady days of new romance, the excitement of falling in love, and do not understand or appreciate what constitutes a deeper attachment. When the delirium of new love wears off, they think they aren't in love anymore or the relationship has grown stale, as opposed to stable. They think that with the "right person" or their "soul mate" that intensity of feeling will be sustained forever, and they look to a new person to get that rush again,  which inevitably wears off also. They abandon relationships that could be perfectly functional and sustainable in search of an overly romanticized ideal, and won't ever find it, because their expectations sabotage them.

[travislawrencemusic]

Fell in love with someone on the literal other side of the planet and we for sure worked it out! Coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary and still in love with each other.

[ZombieCake]

wise words that I learned from Bill Murray it's before you even decide to get married travel to a different country with them for a week or two that way neither one of you have anything to fall back on so you get to know the true person. No friends or family to run to its just you two being able to work out problems. And if it doesn't work out at least you got to see another country

[trixie]

Happy couples keep paying attention to each other.

[Wowreference]

"Maybe it's not recklessness, maybe it's caution." I can't believe how much more sense this makes to me than to frown on early sexual and intimate behavior (including living together). Such a simple comment, yet the viewpoint behind it is so profound. I really think today's couples are making wiser decisions in how they approach relationships than they did 50-70 years ago.

[ShivaniRana-dyxc]

Rather than finding someone perfect, find someone who is willing to learn and grow and change for good. "Its not about having it all, its about choosing one person and making it work!" and ofcrs it should be both ways! The willingness to grow, to learn and to change for good ofcrs should be both ways!

[hererightnow]

She is giving her opinion-keep it in mind. Love is commitment and action.

[trixie]

Doing it 100% opposite this time. Taking almost a year now to get to know the woman I'm interested in . We date, spend a lot of time together, but no sex. No kissing . Just cuddling...Very powerful position I'm in.

[meghkalyanasundaram]

~7:17 "Those people who are married an average of 21 years, who are still madly in love with their partner, showed activity in three brain regions: a brain-region linked with empathy, a brain-region linked with controlling your own emotions and a brain-region linked with what we call positive illusions. The simple ability, but sometimes hard: to overlook what you don't like about somebody and focus on then what you do. Last but not least: we have now known that if you say several nice things to your partner everyday — I would suggest 5 but if you can only pull off 2 or 3 whatever — say nice things to your partner, that actually reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol (which is the stress-hormone) and boosts their immune system but it also boosts yours. "So what the brain says about a happy long-term partnership is:



> overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do

> express empathy for the partner

> control your own emotions

> have sex with the partner

> do novel things together

> stay in touch and

> say several nice things everyday "

[bethdejuan]

Before I married my husband of 20 years. I was told by a friend who is a psychiatrist try a free ride for two years in the same roof because you will see if you are compatible with each other. I took her advised and happy ever after. I have a wonderful husband. For me compatibility, and respect to each other are two main thing that worked for us.