Psychiatrist Explains the Science of Love

P.S. Think twice about texting your ex.

▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:11 - Article reading
03:51 - Red flags
08:34 - Relationship success is a co-op game
15:19 - Summary
20:13 - The capacity to help

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[iSketchRandom]

“People are looking for happiness instead of trying to build it” that’s brilliant!

[ryancxe]

What I learned in my many failures dating people is that true love is when two people wanna be around each other enough that they are willing to try work through any obstacles to making that happen

[Leitis_Fella]

"In love" is a feeling, with butterflies and whatnot; "love" itself is an action.
This is basically what my parents have told me; love is a commitment that is built, not found.

[brandullio]

If they are willing to binge watch Dr. K, you know it's the one

[copyrightdragon]

Cinema Therapy did a reaction video on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and in it, they talk about how loving a person is such a big commitment bc of how people change. They're a different person every day, week, month, year, whether they choose to try and change or not. Loving how they were means only loving an idea of them, and so you have to learn to roll with those changes and love them throughout. It truly is a massive emotional undertaking, bc love isn't happiness, despite how synonymous the two can seem; however, I genuinely believe that it's the one emotion that humanity has an unlimited capacity for. Call it naïve if you want, but healthy, fully realized love (romantic and platonic) is buoyant. It lifts you up when you feel it, express it, receive it... It's a beautiful and irrational thing.

[Bendilin]

Last year I was in a relationship with a person I never would have ever imagined myself being with. They were... completely the opposite of almost everything I thought I wanted in my partner, outside of shared interests. But I grew to love them, very deeply.
And then one day they spontaneously came over to break up with me because they felt that they were the bread winner in the relationship, even though we had always gone back and forth paying for eachother's meals and dates and such, I even paid their way to the local nerd convention. There was no discussion to be had, there was no room for us to talk about things and work towards a solution. They just made more money than I did and they wanted to drop me like a stone.
I haven't dated since.

[GaminGilmore]

Me and my girlfriend just watched this together and it was a really refreshing perspective. Our relationship started out with way too many red flags, and it still does have some red flags, but we have been slowly working through them and becoming better people. And most importantly we are just loony enough to have fallen in love with each other in the first place.

[joshuapark]

I swear dude, either dr. K brings up the most relevant video for every point of my day-to-day life or I just have so many problems on the table lol

[mrblok]

Takeaways:
→ Healthiest relationships always seem to have one red flag.
→ Happiness and love is not determined by the other person but something that is build together.
→ Flexibility is one of the most important factors in a successful relationships.
→ Having the capacity to help, can help you understand whether your ready for a relationship.

[Dnd-Versatility]

I feel like everyone around me is looking for the perfect partner and no one is just trying to make shit work with the people that are willing to invest... I'm someone who loves to communicate and is willing to put in the work. But when it comes to dating I find a lot of people who are very dismissive because they have a specific image in their mind of what they want

[bobbywhite]

Aah I went on a big multi-year research journey to understand what love was. I was agonizing over every single detail and the supposed stages, only to find out that the most natural way was to just be. Don’t overthink it and just be. Of course it took a lot of soul searching and reflecting to get to that stage. So while the behavior is simple, getting there took a decent amount of work.

Being able to fall in love can be considered a luxury especially for people who are used to operating in a state of absolute mental poverty/survival mode. In that insecure framework, people might not really be able to engage freely which can really hinder them from experiencing or getting comfortable with love. It's the typical Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, but definitely an important one to consider. It's similar to how you need enough surplus energy from a biological viewpoint to engage in play behavior which while enriching and beneficial to growth, isn't entirely vital to immediate survival.

So for my people struggling to find love, it's ok to take some time to just get into a more secure position before starting to try love out again. And expect it to take time. People can be so impatient about it, but it really can take time and directed intent to make dating/love a positive experience. Some people are just stuck in hedonistic cycles of escapism and avoidance through infatuation, which they might mistake as love. Those experiences can be really traumatizing and the learning curve is quite steep. It usually takes people a fair amount of "cycling" before they try to change.

Overall, it's important to sort out your internal motivations and have that awareness of what you want in a relationship. Those things might change as you meet people, but it's pretty helpful to have a nice foundation to stand on while being assured and confident.

[Daliena]

In my experience at the core people do not change. And taking on project relationships is futile efforts and you end up unhappy. So you figure out core traits you are interested in or have to have in the other person and what you can compromise on. It takes time to figure it out. Once you do - it is easier to find the best fit for you.

[LethalLemonLime]

So many people, including myself, have tried to change horrible people. So it's no wonder we try to find a person that ticks all the boxes rather than trying to change someone into a respectful kind person.

[thepanda]

I'm a woman with Autism & ADHD.
I've been a healthy relationship for 2 years now. Before this, I was in a really toxic relationship with a serial cheater who also had substance abuse disorder. He confirmed all of the horrible beliefs I had about my character; in a way that made me feel safe & loved. It was also a way to distract myself from addressing my life (I was very depressed going into this relationship).

I never had any 'boxes' per say, I was pretty much willing to take anyone who wanted me & didn't smell bad. Over time, I started working on my long-term trauma & issues that were getting in the way of my goals.

The biggest thing that allowed me to get into & keep this healthy relationship was beginning to accept myself & communicate what I needed/wanted. I really tried to discern who was compatible with my inner beliefs, lifestyle, long-term goals, & who had a personality I truly liked! By coincidence we both have the same personality profile - INFP, with an anxious tendency.

We really love eachother dearly, & to a degree I am dependent (and tbh he is too). BUT! I am actively working on myself (therapy, meds, going to college, etc) and I have helped him also grow in ways he didn't know he could. We have slightly different interests but generally spend our off-work & weekend time the same. I'm much more into traditionally feminine things & he's the opposite, but we both like to quietly play video games (not with, but in the same room lol), watch shows (both love anime but generally like a wide variety of things), go on mini-adventures, camping, audiobooks, spending time with animals, etc.
He's quite a bit more organized than I am, but I think that has a lot to do with my ADHD + him being older by 7 years. Over time I've found solutions that work for me/us & it's become easier to manage chores. We also split them according to preference & who is the most motivated at the time ~ & anything is up for discussion.
I'd honestly say that being in a relationship like this has been the biggest help to my issues. It's so much easier to tackle bad habits when you have always have someone you can share your innermost thoughts, & feelings; someone who is willing to call-in to change instead of berating; & you knows you well enough to actually give helpful ideas.

Don't give up! There is somebody who is compatible, it just takes knowing yourself good enough & proper discernment.

[ChibiMalzahar]

Do you think this applied to platonic relationships too? In the sense that "my friends aren't exactly what im looking for so I need to stop hanging out with them and find new ones" is a thought that sometimes comes up with me. If I feel like I need companionship but the people around me aren't entirely giving me what I'm looking for? Then the problem would be with me not being willing to work with them and build that relationship I guess

[zeekeno]

I have two things that I used to describe what makes relationships work. The first is Happily Ever After Romantic Theory (h.e.a.r.t.) Anyone, anywhere, can learn to love each other. All it takes is to dedicate yourself to improvement and discussion. If all parties participate in this, then they'll grow closer together naturally. The second is the opposite of Mutually assured destruction, Mutually assured benefit (m.a.b.) if two people are able to recklessly seek the good of the other, there's almost no way for them to come out with a net deficit of good.

[hysorn]

You know, I think one of the weirdest part about falling into the deepest pits of depression is shutting that part down of your brain. I haven't felt interested in relationships, platonic or romantic in a real long time now, more than a year, what used to be something I craved for is something I essentially don't even feel anymore, I get annoyed when people want to talk to me and I don't feel bad at all about going without talking to anyone but my family(and I am not the one seeking them out, mind you) for weeks, sometimes even a whole month.

I don't know, I guess my brain is just trying to disconnect itself from essentially the things that make living worth it in order to protect itself? I am not sure how that even works, honestly.

[Lenz]

Hardest thing is to find someone that thinks that way. I feel like im lonely with seeing relationships like Dr. K.

[Jazzmaster]

I think that for many people, a desire for perfection may also be a mechanism of defending themselves from pain, and a method of avoidance. Like, the idea that you are not perfect and neither is anyone else can be scary, because it means things may just not work out and it'll make you feel hurt and sad, even if you didn't necessarily do something "wrong" to the extent that you're a bad person, or that the other person is bad and "toxic". Accepting that you are flawed and so are others, and working on yourself despite knowing you'll never truly be perfect almost seems counter-intuitive especially depending on how you're raised, socialized or experiences you've had. Rejecting people constantly or rejecting yourself/not even trying can involve far less emotional labor in some ways than opening yourself up to rejection or failure. Some negative, toxic traits or red flags are subjective but exist in all people, and I agree that ultimately whoever you end up with there are going to be struggles with them, you'll just be willing to overcome them for that person which is perhaps a predictor of relationship success (being willing to stay with someone when it's not all roses and butterflies). The only thing to caution against is not staying with someone who truly is toxic and harmful to you, whether they necessarily intend to be that way or not.

[ujwalkhanal]

The answer to what is love is simple






Oh baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more