The Science of Love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach

World-renowned relationship expert John Gottman set forth to understand why relationships don’t work, but for that he needed to first understand relationships scientifically. Gottman then measured the behavior, perception and physiology of couples over time to understand how love works. With that he was able to create equations for love and discern the mathematical dynamics of love. His science was able to predict with a 90% accuracy whether relationships would last or not. Finally, his studies conclude that the magic of love requires calm and commitment, which in the end makes the magic of great love a bit less of a mystery.

[analisaacosta]

What a lovely thing to do. He dedicated his life to learning about love

[amycuaresma]

My love language is when people’s words align with their actions.

[singing.winnie]

To summarize it shortly:

Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment.

Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking.

Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants

Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”

[jean-victorcote]

Starting at 12:14 -> "Mutual trust comes from when both partners are maximizing the benefits of both people, not just one's person benefit against the other person. So, I'm always thinking about how my wife sees things. I can walk into a kitchen now, after thirty years of marriage, and view that kitchen the way my wife would see it. So I can say [to myself she] would be upset by that, so I clean it up." This reminded me that my father told me decades ago that he washed the dishes he used before going to work when my mother wasn't around because he knew that it would upset her if he left them in the sink for her to clean. My parents went through a lot together. They made it seem like it was the only thing to do. My father also told me once that he was lucky to have her in his life, as he must have told her often enough. It was then hard for me to fathom the depth of his love for her. It is much easier for me now.

[olivehiggo]

I've been a long-term supporter of his work. What's most important really is being aligned to each other and allowing the space to grow into individuals that are the best versions of themselves.

[kyraocity]

9:00 physiological calm
10:42 calm vs defense
11:25 measuring mutual trust
12:20 trust defined
13:10 magic also comes from building commitment; this is my journey = loyalty
14:30 mathematics of love. Measure dynamics analysis of relationship. Physiological, perception, and behavior
17:40 Theory of function outlined. Effect of positive and negative emotions = influence + repair early
19:10 Turning toward or away from partner. Two bunnies on beach vs storm in quadrants
26:00 intervention change the start up to get the 5:1 ratio

[desireegreen]

Amazing talk. My husband and I did EFT therapy created by Sue Johnson based on Gottman's work. That was 7 years ago. We have had powerful and lasting results, and will celebrate our 24 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. His math is good. I think we literally wake up every morning more grateful for our relationship than the day before.

[johnayala]

I wish my parents were like this man. He can do an analysis and calm discussion how to solve the problem. My parents don't bother with civility and just attacked each other like it was a battle between two titans.

[latinaalma]

my grandparentrs adored each other and showed it in front of me all the time...they were my role model for love....that same quote from Sleepless In Seattle..that was them and that is my husband of 40yrs and I

[MaiNutsz]

Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.

[olivehiggo]

Rather than a "magic" I love the very scientific approach to a relationship using a more problem-solving, rational approach as that really is what it is all about: solving problems.

[brandiminor]

My notes on the science of love:

3 factors of love:
Commitment - cherish partner, notice good things about them, excitement about future, double down on staying together, loyalty.
Trust - interest in each other, know how the other will feel, do nice things for each other.
Calm - Shared humor, understanding, gentle, reassuring, listening.

Avoid negative emotions - 5x more positivity to negativity. anger, sadness, fear, hostility, disappointment, making comparisons between partner and real or imagined alternatives, betrayal.

[janinelaurenti]

One thing he doesn’t talk about as far as the calm aspect, is that when one is dealing with a verbally abusive, negative, and untrustworthy spouse, it is difficult to ever be calm because you are always on guard. I’ve known several people who have a spouse that have the four negative Gottman horsemen, and all of them have difficulty being able to ever relax. The negative affects of living with someone like this over long periods of time takes such a toll on one’s nervous system that a once very “calm” person can not relax. I have a friend who works with battered women. She was also abused and had to escape her husband to a shelter. She has MS and says all the women she now works with in this shelter seem to have the same symptoms. I believe their nerves get worn out and would love to see more talk and research done on this.

[azitam.a.]

“Let us have love and more love; a love that melts all opposition, a love that conquers all foes, a love that sweeps away all barriers, a love that aboundeth in charity, a large-heartedness, tolerance, forgiveness and noble striving, a love that triumphs over all obstacles.”
— Abdu'l-Bahá

[Akiachrounoumena]

Wanting and trying to maintain relationships in perpetuity has to be the greatest source of self inflicted suffering a human being will ever endure in their lifetime.

[girasoli]

No matter how many times I listen to Mr Gottman, I always feel his talk far interesting.

[tumblingrosesstudio]

Good therapy improves a person's emotional stability and emotional intelligence. Wish my parents had had access to his work.

[opinionatorX]

John Gottman is the mafia boss of love. Respect!

[jean-victorcote]

Starting at 18:00 -> The influence function told me a lot about where I went wrong in one relationship.

Starting at 19:30 -> The influence function in phase space looks like a splendid way to find where the attractors are and how to aim for the first quadrant and stay clear of the third quadrant.

I would venture that trust brings commitment, which in turn brings calm, but this is only a conjecture.

[shabnamshadlu]

That's what I call a survey.
Spending 15 years on an equation! That's amazing!!