How to Stop Beating Yourself Up 29/30 Self-Compassion

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We often try to change ourselves by beating ourselves up. But you can't hate yourself into a version of yourself that you can love. In this video, I teach how self-compassion can be the greatest source of change and growth. You'll learn three simple ways to stop beating yourself up and what to do instead.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

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[RobbyGood]

I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder every single day... I've been on more medications than I can count. I don't know if one day I'll need to eventually find one that works, but for now I'm trying to go without them. I have a million miles to go to finally be healed and at peace... but these videos have helped me more than any doctor or medication ever has. For that, I am truly thankful. :)

[mn]

The real problem are people who cannot stand any criticism and accountability and then they blame others for everything. That's the cause of internalized self--blame. But since we cannot eliminate the cause, we have to cope with consequences. Good video!

[teerriffic]

You hear people say “love yourself”..I always took that to mean to be conceited or be selfish. Never though of it as a way to forgive yourself as you would forgive a friend. Love this channel

[TM-hlme]

"I love you more than I hate myself." It's an amazingly insightful thought in a powerful story. Thank you.

[veronicaveintimilla]

I guess sometimes it’s hard to start being compassionate when you’ve been raised in a different environment. As kids we were always yelled at in order to help us be “better”

[rianna]

For a self proclaimed perfectionist with very high standards, self compassion is a very difficult skill to learn. Been watching your 30 video series everyday and for the first time in a long time, was able to meet up with friends yesterday. Thank you for the work that you do. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with everyone in YouTube. Thank you for the reminder that it helps to align your life with your values. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of self compassion. I am a work in progress and am so so grateful to have found you here in YouTube. All the best, Emma, and thank you so much!

[stxrstrxckmxteo]

i kind of needed this today. ive been seriosuly struggling with college and balancing my desire for a social life with my responsibilities. i also really struggle with comparing myself and holding myself to impossible standards and then hating myself for not being them. i dont know how ill overcome that, but its videos like these that give me hope. thank you for this

[elliemathews]

I think it is so hard to be compassionate to yourself when we live in such a judgemental world. Most people love to kick people when their down. Heck in the United States we are supposed to live in a country where your innocent until proven guilty. Now it's your guilty until your proven innocent. I have struggled most of my life with self hatred as a result of so much abuse from multiple people from my childhood up through adulthood. I now suffer from compulsive thoughts of self hatred where I randomly remember mistakes I have made in my life and can't seem to stop the memories from flooding my mind. It can be anything from the biggest mistakes to the littlest ones.

[modernadulting]

Accept mistakes are a part of life.
Forgive yourself.
Be aware of your feelings.
Write about your mistakes.
Focus on what's in your control.

[thpisland]

I’ve been taking things way too personally at my job and don’t know how to stop beating myself up over mistakes

[kimriseul_]

I was having rough weeks. I alwayd find me blaming myself for not depending myself, for failing over and over again. I just feel really bad about myself because everytime I try to change I’ll fail again and again. Everytime that I wanna be kind to myself, my brain would say I’m making excuse. But it’s time to apply this again. Thank you for this video, I’ll be more kinder to myself. :)

[solitairexx]

I dont even want to stop cuz i think I deserve to passionately hate myself, so when i try to be kind it feels very weird, i know it’s not helping in any way

[odjeoj]

That's so true, I was never able to start healing and changing after my abuse until I found love and compassion all these years later

[Beth]

Take it one day at a time, after all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

[mymentorjane]

Connecting our values to how we handle our own mistakes and behavior is a great practice. "The only thing that pulls yourself out is love, " is so wise. Thank you for this reminder. I think people are a balance of both good and bad. We hurt people, say and do wrong things. We also sacrifice, work hard, persevere, and help people out. A visualization helps ground me in this. I hold both hands out in front of me, palms up. I move my hands up and down, saying something like, "Jane, you are not all one way, you do a lot of good things and have some beautiful qualities. You also have some weaknesses that you're working on. (I move my hands up and down to symbolize how my behavior is fluid and not stuck in one mode.) You're a work in progress. That's the way life is. You're doing ok. You're ok." I hope this makes sense to someone out there.

[samspade]

Emma, first let me thank you for bringing personal & mental health to the front row. There are 3 doctors in my family and they will be the first to admit that the studies and the knowledge of mental health are not taken as importantly as other types of medicine. Give some prozac and "see me in 3 months". However you must understand that self love (topic) is more than just words. I'm in a state where I have completely given up. There is no ambition, there is no initiative, there is no care about anything .No reason to get up. I wish it was as easy as self talk, but when you give up caring about anything, you can't even think positive because the brain just doesn't care. I've tried, but my positive talk knows it's a lie and I fall back down the hill. Your words in this video will help many and I am thankful, but some of us might be so far gone that just getting to the next day is about all you can do.

[rubin-healmysocialanxiety]

Great video Emma! I love the point that you cannot fight darkness with more darkness (criticism), you can only do that with light (compassion). Super powerful, thank you for the video 🙏

[TehDudeShow]

I have a myriad of issues that I believe stem from negative thoughts and self loathing possibly from ADHD. I’m finally going to see a therapist because everything in my life is suffering. Your videos are amazing and when I establish a path to bettering myself I will certainly revisit these.

[LexieDaleGrooms]

There was this one kid in my class. He was smarter than all of us combined.

[demongo]

I hate myself as I find myself proven a failure over and over in my work life, relationships and other areas. I’m not suicidal, as I don’t think I have the strength to actually go through with it, but I definitely feel that I’d rather be dead than alive.

Almost every day I wake up with panic attacks, and I have what I refer to as “closet days”: when I feel like crawling into a corner of a dark closet and curling up and going to sleep.

If I could just exist 100% of the time at about 2:30/3 am in the morning, I would do it in a heartbeat. Basically relaxed and sleeping and dreaming. No more pain.