Autism And Dating | Navigating Relationships With An Autistic Person

Sarinah explores some of the hurdles autistic people face when they’re dating or in a relationship, providing tips and suggestions about how best to navigate such issues, in order to nurture healthy romantic relationships!

Autism And Dating | Navigating Relationships With An Autistic Person

[gibbon_aha]

my gf once tried to hold my hand and I shook it bc I didn't get it lmao

[abigailwimbush]

I have an autistic boyfriend (of whom I love very much) and I'm here to want to know how to be more supportive.
We've dated for over a year (shocking for a couple of 17 year olds 😂) and I adore him. Thing is, we have issues when it comes to physical contact. I have terrible trauma so I really need physical contact as reassurance however he hates too much of it. I found I can ask for a hug however I will usually be shot down or met with a reluctant hug (which I hate because I want him to be as comfortable as possible).
This has caused resentment and me snapping at him when I need to meet his needs like answering all of his questions about random things we see.
I just want to be better for him, any advice is welcome x

[Lee-iebu]

"so dating can be terrifying prospect" - you can say that again 🤣

[karihansen]

As an autistic male this opened some doors for me

[silvacindy]

From all the videos I watched about autism, I feel like your help me rhe most. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but the tipps that you give to non autistic people, make me feel like I can be a little bit more myself.

[meliq]

I'm not autistic, but interested in a gentleman who is, so this has been very helpful. Thank you. ❤

[arielklay]

Thank you so much for posting this! I've been friends with the man who, although hasn't been formally diagnosed, definitely demonstrates autistic symptoms. I myself have been formally diagnosed as on the spectrum. Now I feel like we're transitioning to a romantic relationship, although I suspect that he has been smitten with me for quite some time, but because of *my* autism, I didn't pick up on his interest and was really confused when he seemed to pursue and then backed away, causing me to think he was disinterested in me. Between this and another video, I realize that he is scared, but has opened up to spending time with me. Fortunately, he is a therapist, so I think with a little research we have a good chance to have a healthy relationship. ☺️

[betocampainha]

It's so challeging for me to deal with a partner with autist spectrum (an it makes me feel so guilty). Thanks a lot for this video. It helped me to understand my ex-boyfriend's behaviour fits entirely on this description, although he'd haver told me he is autist. That is still a hypothesis, but it could explain everything I had to deal and couldn't cope with: excessive indifference, too much self centrism, social distance an no need to be together much time, intense expression of love via lyrics but a high level of coldness to express it personally. He is so fucking special, and I miss him so much. I feel so confuse, because he could be autistic and I've dumped him because I believed he didn't love me and was just spending his time and postponing a decision. Nowadays, he publishes some music on instagram stories restricted to 'best friends', a group I've never been included whilst we were together - and now I'm part of it - it started after we broke up. I'm afraid he is sending messages directly to myself. All the lyrics are talking about the difficulty to express and say he loves someone. What if this is really directed to myself and I'll never know it?

[theclownking]

Gave me a lot of good info dating a autistic woman and I'm trying to better understand the way her mind works....

This was wonderful

[wolf-kissedrosie]

It's definitely hard, especially long distance.

I met this guy back in December of 2016 and we started dating that May 25th, 2017. He just found out his ex cheated on him when he went to break up with her for me. The first year was decent but after that he completely changed.

He made things more difficult and we were fighting all the time. He would make no effort, wouldn't call or FaceTime me, wouldn't pick up when I called, wouldn't do anything with me or for me. He started taking longer and longer to reply, was coming on later and later. I was getting frustrated and it was making me act harsher towards him. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall and he'd never answer you directly. I did suspect that there was something mentally off about him and I confronted him about this but he flat out denied it. He's lied to me about a few things but to him he's not a liar. How? He never accepted anything I accused him of even when I was right. And I was right about everything.

I started to suspect he kept me muted but of course he denied this. The difference between him and I, is I always kept things legit and told him what was what. Even if it wasn't nice. I would tell him where I was going or what I was doing or if I would be on or not but I didn't get the same courtesy from him. He would disappear for hours and if I did that to him and then texted him he would be like "Where have you been?!" If I didn't reply he would ask "Rosie you there?!"

I tried to compromise or work things out with him and nothing I ever said or did changed anything. He kept telling me that he could change that he could get his act together and almost 6 years down the road he's still the same. Albeit worse.

A couple months ago I started calling him to get his attention because I knew he had me muted, but when I would call him he would reply right away. After I confirmed that he did have me muted I told him that's why I was calling him. To get his attention. He asked me to stop calling. What happened? All of a sudden he started having internet connection issues and none of my calls or messages would go through. He started only texting me once a week, every 4 days and wouldn't even stay on long enough to chat.

So on one hand he was flat out ignoring me and neglecting me, and on the other hand he was saying that he didn't want to lose me, that he wanted to reconcile, that he didn't want me dumping him, that he could change and get his act together.

After I said everything I had to say and there was nothing more I could do, I started ignoring him like he was doing to me. After a few weeks of me not responding to him he finally told me something that has changed a lot of how I see him. He said back in 2018 he had been diagnosed with autism and honestly I wasn't surprised. At first I wasn't really that angry at the whole thing but the longer I thought about it the angrier I got. I had a right to know. I had a right to know why we were having such a hard time communicating or getting on the same page. Had he told me about this years ago I would have taken a step back and evaluate the situation to determine what it was that I wanted to do in regards to him and the relationship. But instead he strung me along and lied.

I don't know what level of autism he has nor do I care enough to ask. I honestly don't have the same desire to speak to him as much as I did before. Before I couldn't stand going a day without talking to him, even an hour, and now I don't even bat an eye. He's done so much damage that he might have lost me.

He still text me once a week, every 4 days but all he ever does is say the same crap so I don't bother replying. If I have something to say I tweet it the day he usually text me and he sees it because he's looking at my page. He claims that he has depression and anxiety but he's lied to me in the past about being a cutter when he knew that was something I struggled with at the tim so I'm not really obligated to take his word for it. That's what happens when you lie. The autism makes sense though.

I still love him but I have my own issues to worry about and I can't afford to stress over a possibly dead relationship with an autistic guy that makes no effort, for me or himself. I actually do suffer from depression and anxiety and bad thoughts. I have a weight issues and that alone is stressing me out and I've run out of options to lose the weight and I'm now considering gastric sleeve.

For now I'm keeping my distance from him and whatever happens happens. If he really wants a relationship with me then it's all up to him and what he does. I'm the one that always made the effort and kept us together. Now it's his turn but I have no confidence in him.

I don't want to lose him but I've given him enough chances and I put in more than enough of my own time and energy. It's out of my hands. Honestly it's scaring me to think about. How much harder being with him will be if we manage to stay together, if he manages to fix things with me. Like, this dude is my soulmate. I believe that 100%.

[slaymaster]

i like how you walk around as you discuss the topic!

[Jotinko]

I’m 35 and never had a girlfriend. I do have some female friends but they’re all taken. I have Aspergers and have no idea how to flirt and I stutter a lot when nervous and struggle with eye contact. I come off as being awkward and insecure but that’s not the case. I’d love to date a woman with Aspergers as we have common ground. If anyone won’t accept your quirks or interest than they’re not worth your time.

[wannabe]

A problem that exists is that there's been so many times when we Autists have mistaken politeness and friendliness for flirting that our confidence is so shattered and broken that we have only "very small broken shards" of it left to try any more and guess correctly. The result: We'te so scared we'll get it wrong YET AGAIN that we can't bring ourselves to be able to correctly interpret actual flirting as flirting! NTs need to be more flexible in their mindset so that we won't be outright rejected or kept at arm's length or permanently friend-zoned just because we've asked them if they are actually flirting with us (where they've judged us for not having the confidence and self-assuredness to simply assume correctly without asking)!

[leilap]

I am trying to find a guide on NT people for autistic women. Do you have or know of one? The vast majority of the videos I found are designed for NT people to understand autistics, particularly NT women to understand autistic men.

[Freely]

I just don't want to tell my partner, my friends and my family "you should 'that that that' because I am 'that that that'", it feels like a controlling boss. But if I don't tell them, once my autistic behavior kicks in, they might think I don't care, I don't like them, I am gonna abandon them...sigh, maybe they have right to know and to learn

[greenmountainhistory]

My last relationship ended when my girlfriend expected me to go to 3 social events over a 4 day weekend and didn’t understand that is way too much. Especially because we had gone to a social event the previous 3 weekends. When I attempted to explain she wasn’t able to understand that not going out on week nights isn’t recovery time because I still interact with co workers those days even if it’s very limited.

[movedchannel]

Why is there a single dislike
I mean it's kind of beautiful, but I'm curious

[FaeChild]

I'm an Autistic Adult and I recently have to break up with my boyfriend because he was using my learning disability and bullied and abused me cause me have meltdowns on purpose I had to walk away

[emilyokeefe]

I’m autistic and I couldn’t even get through the video because I can’t focus on anything other than the background music.

[theanicca]

I'm autistic, and hyper-empathetic. I find it exhausting to be close to autistic folks who are hypo-empathic, and it is a thing. It invalidates and gas lights the experience of those of us who are adapting and making work arounds for our friends and loved ones who are alexythymic and hypo-empathic when you make a blanket statement like "it's a myth that autistic people don't have empathy". Sure - but some really can't grasp another person's reality, that's a real thing. And yes, other autistic people are so empathetic that they need to withdraw because it's exhausting to constantly be picking up how others are feeling and thinking and experiencing the world 🙋🏼‍♀️