Victimized by Your Own Kin? Family Mobbing the Scapegoat

Narcissistic families present a facade of either harmony (pseudomutuality) or disharmony (constant bickering, pseudohostility). In both cases, the members of the dysfunctional family are not allowed to separate and individuate and are subjected to a cultlike power asymmetry.

Family homeostasis threatened by honesty (“king is naked”): compliance (conformity) vs. dissent

Collusion in bullying to deflect attention from real problems and to ally with the powerful against the powerless and helpless

Scapegoat role within cultlike settings (Rebecca Mandeville: Family Scapegoating Abuse or FSA)

Bullying, harassment, control, coercion, intimidation (ambient), gaslighting, defamation (smears)

Truth monopolies

Slander and gossip

Shaming and guilt-tripping: Machiavellian control

Invisibility: ignoring, neglect, betrayal blindness, rejection (ostracism)
When you cannot or are not allowed to express your experience of trauma and abuse, breach of trust, negative emotions, and profound betrayal by someone you depend on in any crucial way. Such denial and repression lead to dissociation and a host of long-term mental health disorders.

Repression ethos: no emotions, please (delegitimized affect)

[casecunnings]

Where are my fellow scape goats at!?!?! Scape goats

[kalsti]

Scapegoats are the Truth Tellers in the family….. especially a family where denial reigns supreme.

[ingriddelamorandiere]

I started calling my siblings and mother "relatives" thirty years ago, rather than family.

[spinback]

The scapegoat is the child that makes displays for connectiveness that the other family members cannot bring themselves to. The scapegoat is the person they might very well wish they could be, but cannot. & so all manner of things arise: persecution. Jealousy. Envy. Hate.

[livinglife]

As a scapegoat you lose around every corner, every battle, every relationship, every process, you lose. Nothing good comes from it.

[jonigreenwell]

I appreciated you pointing out that scapegoating isn't always a childhood trauma. I endured it as an accomplished 55 year old adult. It's insanely painful and sad.

[HJWhitehall]

"The damage, is regrettably, for life." Ouch, that hurts.

[Mummabear]

This is my family and it hurts so so much.

[psrosemary]

Often the SG is labeled "mentally ill" which can be very confusing to the victim. Also, the "mobbing" continues through generations.

[sandsofthehourglass]

My mother hated me when I was a toddler, a teenager, a young woman, a mature woman, and now at the age of 44 years old she has rejected me again. I now have inner peace because I am happy she abandoned me one last time. She is a miserable woman and blames me for her horrible life. Whatever, I am one thousand times happier without my family.

[saraelizabeth]

I'm the scapegoat. But honestly it's a blessing, it allowed me to walk away from my family's dysfunction early on and good riddance.

[dominique]

Escape goat here. Life’s good now but scars remain.

[mysticat]

6:28 "The family homeostasis is THREATENED by honesty. When 1 family member is honest, the King is Naked." Emperor's New Clothes 😮 This threatens the balance of this kind of family. 😢

[joyce_oates]

This hit pretty hard 15:36 “it’s all a theater production, it’s all fake. There’s no family there.”

[Melleyr]

I don't know how I got through it I cried myself to sleep most nights and prayed that I wouldn't wake up. Thank God I survived 🙏

[AngelaAngelicaWarren]

I’m so very grateful Professor Vaknin. is bringing awareness about the toxicities that exist in some family dynamics. Being a scapegoat can result in a Hellish existence on this planet.

[TheExtremenarcissist]

When you’re brought up to believe your family is everything, actually, it’s probably nothing but a fantasy.

[kitbenson]

Spot on!

The wicked lies, gossiping, betrayal, control, ostracising and cruelty is beyond painful.

I spent my life in and out of therapy thanks to such a FOO.

Little to no contact can be the only solution. It was for me.

[jesyjones]

Scapegoat here. I've never heard it said better, Prof. Vaknin. Thank you!
I escaped my family cult as soon as I was able to, and have no regrets!

[psrosemary]

Yes, the damage is for life, but there are things one can do to feel better, improve one’s mood, and create meaning.

Here are some that have worked for me:
1. Name and accept what happened.
2. Go no-contact.
3. Practice self-compassion.
4. Observe and name one’s own negative behaviors that are a result of growing up in such an environment.
5. Be kind and supportive to myself…for example: exercise, eat right, sleep enough, make the bed every morning, walk in nature, paint/play piano/photograph/dance/listen to music.
6. Stop explaining, making excuses, listening to the inner critic.
7. Congratulate yourself for surviving this long!

None of this is easy, but with daily practice, the benefits do add up.