'Honor Your Parents' - What Does That Look Like After Complex Trauma? (Q&A with Tim, Part 3)

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Many people are taught to honor their parents unconditionally, which can lead to an inability to make realistic observations about them or express any negative feelings. Ultimately, this often means being conditioned to uphold a narcissist's ego rather than fostering genuine respect. In this enlightening new series, Tim addresses one of the most frequently asked questions he encounters from those dealing with complex trauma: "What does it truly mean to honor my parents?"

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[triplejmom]

Thank you for talking about this. I’ve learned to tell religious people that if you don’t like my fathers treatment of me then my telling the truth isn’t dishonoring them. They dishonored themselves & I’m not going to bare false witness against my father so you can feel better. Setting boundaries isn’t disrespectful. Protecting my kids from their grandfather isn’t disrespectful either.

[peppermintgirl]

I really like this saying.
"Just because they have a title, doesn't mean they are entitled."

Basically just because they may be my parents, it does NOT mean they should keep hurting me.... and it does NOT mean I will be in a close relationship with them like before....

[Healingx]

Thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Both of my parents are narcissists, and they have left a trail of destruction in my life. I will walk this earth without ever knowing what it is like to be loved by a father or a mother. I no longer feel guilty about no contact.

[Leirothehero]

As a survivor of trauma from my parents I was enraged. I wanted to let the world know how I felt and all my traumas. Now that I am thriving, I just wish I could tell me to stay strong and hope is always there for you. Anybody struggling with trauma, be strong, and hope is always out there if you believe in it.

[Melissa_PhoenixRisingBlog]

I grew up in a narcissistic family...there was physical + verbal/emotional abuse. I was the scapegoat and at times the hero child... never knew which i was gonna be or when. There was verbal/emotional neglect (abuse) as well as physical abuse.
My dad always painted my mom as the "bad guy"/the one with issues (more flaws than himself)/crazy and my mom never had anything good to say about my dad. The way the dynamics were my dad was the lesser of evils... at least thats how he painted himself.
I spent 30+ years of my life trying to heal and "fix" my family...because i was told to honor your parents/respect them, etc. So, i always tried to see the good (to the detriment of my own health- phys., mental, and emotional). Now they dont understand why i dont talk to them.
Here are truths ive learned (and wish id known sooner): 1. That command to "honor thy father and mother" is based on a contract... the parent-child contract whereby the parent is a actually a parent (i dont just mean clothing, feeding, educating, housing, & providing medical care when needed (+ taking to church/building faith)- any detention center/jail/prison in the US can do those same things). When the parent fails to be a parent in anyway (particularly if it includes parentifying the child) that contract becomes null/void. [Note: im not saying treat parents horribly or be nasty. Just you dont have to listen to the religious people.] 2. In order to be respected you must be a respectable person/"earn" it 3. Setting boundaries (especially for your own health) is not disrespectful (its love for yourself and the other party)

Now i only wish id realized this sooner.

[electricLuLuland]

"...and parents, do not provoke your children..."

[nancyparker]

I chose to respect their position, and appreciate they did what they could with what they knew. Was it an uncomfortable relationship, yes, but I’m still trying to understand them. They have both passed and I have been given the gift of time to try and be objective and fair. I want to make a different choice for how I respect myself and others.

[anitae]

I can't watch alot of these because they trigger me so much. You could write on book on my life. But I am surviving. Every day is a step forward.

[SP-mlbs]

I've always struggled with this because my dad abused me when I was a child. It was so confusing that the church and my family taught me that I had to respect and obey my parents even despite the abuse. I thought I was going to Hell because I had angry thoughts towards my dad as a child.

[jenniferbrownlow]

This is literally an answer to prayer. I asked God this question the other day, and now here is my answer. Thank you ❤

[christinemcrawford]

Love, honor, and respect are hopelessly intertwined with truth. And if someone we love needs us to lie for them to feel respected, that isn't love. Years ago, when I asked a therapist about honoring an abusive parent we have to have a limited relationship with for our own safety and sanity, he said the most profound thing: "Sometimes the only way to honor someone is by the people we become."

[natalie]

Yeah, it's the lack of honesty I simply can not handle anymore. My parents' unwillingness/inability to even listen to the effects of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child means the relationship is dishonest - good on the surface but full of secrets underneath. When they die, I'll be truly free. For now, I am distant but balanced when I have to deal with them.

[paulkreeft]

My mom used to beat me black and blue to the point of limping to school and tell me I was an accident and she wished she never had me. She would repeatedly threaten to give me up for adoption, tell my I was stupid and I would never amount to anything. Now she wants me to feel sorry for her because she’s old and always brings up honour your mother and father

[sal]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for answering this question. I have struggled with this very question for years. It was explained so well and straight forward. God bless you 🙏🏼 ❤️

[mnoxman]

To be respected one must first be respectable. Saying bad things about my parents has no guilt for me. Mom is dead. She was a bully and a narcissist. Dad is alive but no contact since 2011. Dad was a bully and a much more influential narcissist. Using his job to threaten me "under color of law". Doing things to me that were unethical or at least questionable in order to keep me from embarrassing him. Behaviour that if he saw me do would have him clutching the pearls and sprinting to the fainting couch. No. I hold him to the same "standards" he held me. No guilt. Live by the sword; die by it.

[funkyklunky.]

So Important. The Catholic church stripped me and others of boundaries and ego. I suffered abuse and injustices on one check and turned to the other. Honored the abusers. Suffered anxiety depression and addiction issues for years. Now at 42 with a beat down body and brain.... I am just here .... Is the church really doing their best to create a better society or are they doing their best to selfishly promote their church. Either way Tims work is cutting edge effective and we who are healing because of him have such a great leader mentor and example to be thankful for. Thank you Tim

[GildaLee]

When someone shames or judges you for what your parents did to you with Bible verses, THAT IS SPIRITUAL ABUSE. Do not tolerate such behavior. It is evil. That person is putting themself in God's place. Call them out or just walk away.🙏

[robertapes]

After suffering times and enough work I can respect my parents because I deeply know they did what they could do then, they couldn't do better.
Our family life has been hard for many reasons ad traumas they had even before my birth..
Comprehension and forgiveness restore peace and love in life.
Thank you so much for all your videos!
Roberta

[TheThiaminBlog]

I am 60. I am working to appreciate the many things my parents did right, and understanding and forgiving the things they did wrong. It’s been easy for me to fall into, “they are bad, I am good” thinking. It’s much more complex than that. There was much room for improvement on both sides. I hope I can do better, though it’s late for me.

[CynthiaSchoenbauer]

Hate and disgust for what is wrong for me is how I love myself. I hate everything that disrespects me.