The Weird Things Avoidants Need To Be Happy

Every single dismissive avoidant needs the same three things in order to be happy in a relationship.

Now, here’s the thing, these three things are straight up weird. I’m talking… counterintuitive, almost backward.

They defy every instinct you have about how relationships should work.
But once you understand them, everything changes. It’s like flipping a switch—suddenly, the distance, the mixed signals, the pullbacks all make sense. And instead of fighting against the tide, you’ll know exactly how to flow with it.

[Empress_Energyyy]

Avoidants need to date each other. Perfect dynamic of bread crumbs, ignoring, space, and one day a month together. 😂

[shannanstewart]

With my ex avoidant, distance typically meant he was talking to someone else.

[CompliceCustoms-tqks]

The difference between narcissists and avoidants: narcs want to “steal” the qualities and characteristics that you have for themselves, hence, eventually leaving you laying there like an empty shell. Avoidants rather, want you to keep your own qualities and characteristics, and actually have you continue using them with pride and expanding on them, like you’re polishing. Two completely different concepts. Either way, quit changing for people.. quit trying to morph into others. Continue being you and a better version of yourself, and neither of these will ruin your life. They won’t be able to or allowed to ❤

[crystalcole]

Stop trying to connect to these people. They are not healthy enough for intimate relationships. They need to just date each other. You have needs. They have needs. If they're not meeting your needs, find someone who can, and let them go get their needs met with someone else.

[Drezik]

Alcohol and dismissive avoidants would be a great subject

[carlarocha]

Dealing with them is a waste of life and a waste of time

[olavivans.]

Tbh I feel like I was secure before the relationship.. somewhere along turned anxious by dating an avoidant & now am omw to becoming avoidant myself ngl..

[drv]

Best explanation Ive seen so far. Defined my avoidant perfectly. Now she’s in a relationship with someone 30 years older than her who’s too busy to spend any time with her. Good riddance…

[amethystcolton]

I'm so happy as someone who was a anxious and now (mostly) secure and now dating a avoidant I bring up these issues and reassure that I am not going to take his independence but if things continue I wont stick around. I told him I need things in a relationship, but I don't need the relationship, this made him realize I'm not dependent on him yet he got upset as if he didn't want to lose me. Communication is key and I'm glad I can talk about your videos and he can tell me what kind of reassurance and love he needs but I can't be the only one sacrificing my need for a close relationship.

Its hard, very hard but we both spot problems and we work to fix and make change. Find ways we can care for each other effectively.

We may be young and dumb but if anything I'm happy to have change, grow and experience with a high school sweetheart.

5 months strong!!

[perfectlysassy]

Kind of messed up, but, it’s the truth and, the truth hurts sometimes. That’s why it’s best to let these types of relationships end and people go. If you don’t you form a trauma bond and that is not healthy.

Thank you for this insight.

[SweetNellzyVibes]

Mannnn this is exhausting ... Thank you for explaining to me cause I knew I wasn't crazy

[livewires]

Who GAF about avoidants. Leave them in the dust.

[kimsvlog]

There comes a time when you need to face your issues, heal, and move on before you get into a relationship because this type of behavior especially in a committed relationship, is very unhealthy

[thecloser]

This all sounds like confusion and dysfunction. It felt that way going through it. My DA did not come with a label or communication about what was happening. From the outside looking in… a DA and a Narc are the same.

[bernadetak]

Tbh I started watching it before breaking up trying to get my ex back but now I really don't want to. I lost all feelings but I'm watching this when I'm bored because it's interesting and I like your video style. It's relaxing. Reasons for watching your videos changed drastically 😂

[abbasalsendi]

He summed it up with the dog analogy…this is LITERALLY what Avoidants want you to be..their dog…!!
So they can pet you whenever they feel like it :)


I was in a relationship with one and I told her that I’m watching videos about anxious/avoidant dynamics and she tried watching some too and she asked me “do you read the comments on such content?”
And I was like no why 😂
Cuz literally people were trying to warn me from dating an avoidant and I didn’t believe them until I was done with that shizz…!!

[aspegel]

You hit a common question people have about dismissive avoidants... "Am I dealing with a narcissist or an avoidant? How can I tell the difference?" The problem is trying to figure out their intentions, because that's where the clue lies. Narcissists have different intentions and reasons for their reactions than an avoidant. The avoidant's reactions are out of self-protection; the narc is out of manipulation. The treatment from both can be very similar, which is why it's so painful for many people who experience avoidants. It's a similar abuse, but avoidants don't want to hurt the person - but the narc does.

[AABTBS]

What a whiplash 😑 this gas-breaks cycle is insanity-inducing, I say that from experience like most of us here.
I myself am very autonomy-prone in connections, needing my space and alone time yet still - the lack of warmth and even amicable communication in the inbetweens is destroying the foundations of any human connection -
This RESET after distance, this needing to restart when finally meeting up, it is a disconnect, it is a disaster to any normal functioning nervous system, the need to connect and evolve in closeness is ingrained in us humans.
Being in a relationship with an avoidant that is this dismissive is like a whiteboard - we meet, get close and warm, then he disappears for 3 weeks, dry in texts, and he acts like a semi-stranger, while my heart is more and more open and attached in remembering said closeness, and in normal need for continuity.
How can HE handle this dysfunction??
Like the memory of a fish - restarting the connection every 3 weeks when it sank almost to a zero point level - I have no idea, no clue.
I feel sorry for us - their lovers, friends, and partners, deeply sorry for myself -
And my main goal for this year is to take him off the pedestal and fall out of love with him, and heal this wound of trauma that makes me attracted to my neglectful "dad" every time. I need to heal myself, many of us here do, bring the focus back to our deep issues. I am trying for years and will keep at it ❤ The fawn response, the limerence, the anxiety, my father wound and so much more sadly. tons of self healing to do.
One thing I can say -
I work my a*s off with 2 therapists for 5 years, and as you can see the results are very partial and slow, I am very self aware and know a lot...
If it takes an eternity for me,
Then how much hope does the average aloof avoidant has in therapy with magically changing attachment even a bit?
I am a very very grounded pessimistic for most of them, gonna take a lifetime for most, if at all.

[SuzanneO]

Said he was rarely happy, sometimes contented. And he said, I love your company.
I said, well happy is a fluid concept, thanks. I'm not miss entertainment, I have energy for many things👍

[luke]

Simply put you put effort and they do nothing but string you along. Usually with multiple people not just you. Your needs do not matter period.