How Not to Compliment a Fat Girl

Why "you have such a pretty face" isn't exactly a compliment and other important facts about fat stigma.

Resources:

The Facts on Fat Stigma:

Join Cristen to get down to the business of being a woman and all the Stuff Mom Never Told You about bodies, boys and the female brain.

[savagegardenrox]

I also avoid complimenting people on their body unless I know them well and know that they have been working on their appearance. I stick to appreciating clothes or jewelry or accessories. Hair cuts, makeup (eyeshadow or lipstick), piercings, and tattoos also fall within my limits of acceptability. But face, body, and skin are all out. I think a compliment means more when it's for something the person has control over and made a choice about.

[chofa]

I remember my dad telling us about a woman she saw on the street, he said she was quite overweight and was using very tight clothing. What he said that stuck with me was: "she has no right to ruin my afternoon like that".

I told him that if she felt confident enough to go around in thight clothes it was her problem and she could do whatever she wanted. If he had said that he didn't find her attractive, it would have been okay, everybody has a different taste, but his comment was imlying this woman shouldn't go out on the street because she didn't fit HIS liking and therefore, didn't deserve to be a human being with the right to feel confident of herself, and go out with friends and just having a normal life.

It something that really dissapoints me because i'm not a thin girl, and i have a fair share of anxiety issues regarding going out in public and my body image and people that think like my father are the reason behind them.

[thecatbehemoth]

My sister used to be a model. She always tells me "if you lost some weight, you could be a model!" Bitch, I'm a rocket scientist. #truestory

[Amy_Dunn]

Thank you for doing this video, especially in a way that showed that you understand that you don't have a lot of the same problems as heavier girls, but you're still empathetic and outraged by the fact that stuff like this happens. The term "Thin privilege" gets thrown around a lot, and I've seen thin girls get offended by it, saying that they struggle with body image too. I don't like to put anyone down just to elevate myself, so I don't throw around "real girls have curves" and call out thin privilege and all that but there *is* a difference between someone obsessed with and scrutinizing their own body, and society as well as people in general thinking it's their moral obligation to tell you that the way you look is bad and you need to change. (I'm pretty sure this could apply with a lot of other things too, not just weight issues.)

[SethWatersVlogs]

I think the most important thing is to note the distinction of noun vs. adjective attribution. There is a HUMONGOUS difference between "I am fat" and "I have fat". It's the difference between shame and guilt (Shame is "I am bad", Guilt is "I did bad").

If you attribute something to who you are, you won't change it. If it is something you did, you can change it. A study done (can't recall now, but used it for an Ed Psych paper) interviewed school children who explained that, when they felt shame, they wanted to run away, lash out, and shut down. When they felt guilt, they wanted to make amends, change, or apologize.

How does this relate to overweightedness? If you want someone you know to lose weight, you need to speak them about adjectives, choices, and actions. "You have fat and I'm worried about your health" is a guilt technique. "You are fat and I'm worried about your health" is a shame technique. Guilt: "I think you can make a better choice for dinner tonight." Shame: "You're such a pig for eating that."

As someone who has some body fat, I can tell you that I did not revel in exercise until I realized that I AM a musician, teacher, friend, and vlogger, and that I HAVE body fat. If you identify as fat, it is near impossible to change it. If you say you HAVE fat, but say you ARE a knitter, scientist, dancer, lemon peddler, ice cream brander, etc., you are far more likely to address any health issues that may arise from having too much body fat.

Why doesn't fat shaming work? Because shaming never works (first thing we covered in Ed Psych class). Any change you wish to make or you wish for someone else to make needs to come from adjectival attribution, not inextricably linking them to a noun.

[SammieShamrock]

As a woman that has been overweight all of her years, I definitely resonated with this video. I've had my share of fat shaming and confidence issues. I have had a hard time accepting my body, and it's not to say that I still don't have those days. But I've learned to look at the things that mean more than my weight that I bring to the table. I am intelligent, I have a compassionate heart, I am a strong woman, and no matter my weight I am beautiful. I also try to recognize that sometimes people are genuinely trying to give me a compliment, even if it is stigmatized and hurtful, and focus on getting them to realize it rather than being hurt. The first step to change is education and awareness. I love your videos Cristen. Thank you.

[anthonys]

Not being attracted to unhealthy people is fine but treating them badly because they aren't healthy is not okay

[freespiral]

Thanks for this video, Cristen! People used to say these things they mean to be compliments to me all the time but it doesn't make me feel good about myself, it hurts. I felt like I used to be able to like myself and body until I started to listen to these 'compliments' like: "you have such a fresh face" and "if you'd lose some weight, you'd be a supermodel".

I've now luckily moved on by understanding the following: people say this because THEY have the warped ideas of what beauty is, not me and they don't know how to give an overweight person a compliment without complicating it. A simple "you look great" will do.

[alittlewoowoo]

I am over weight honestly the most offending and constant comments come from family.... it isn't amusing

[elenabeatricemartinelli]

since I had some bad experiences since I was a small child (even though at that age I wasn't fat at all) and I was called names bc of my body structure I always felt wrong. I was an indirect victim of beauty standards and I suffered so badly that I used to cry often. as a kid I never got to dress like I wanted to, and I only started when I turned 16. I had a wonderful period of my life in which I had a friend, my very first best friend on whom I also had kind of a crush, and I was finally expressing myself and I started wearing shorts. still, mean comments hurted like needles. then we got a bit distant and I started losing that little bit of self confidence, even if by that time I had unconsciously learnt to love myself a little bit more. two years ago, when I was 19, I confessed my love for him and even though I was rejected I felt good bc I was starting to speak my mind and I was getting stronger since I had been so shy and insecure in the past. now I'm almost 21 and I'm happy with who I am and I don't care TOO much whether I'm thin or not, even though I'm still working on my self confidence and I still don't like my weight. I also have a friend who was in school with me for the past 2 years, and she was sooo thin, all my teachers and classmates told her she was skinny and she didn't have to be caeful with calories. when those moments occured, I used to say "she looks great" or "if she's happy with her figure, that's cool" bc I thought that maybe she was struggling with her weight or she had other problems like anorexia and I ddn't want her to feel bad about herself just like I did. in about a year I 've learnt to avoid judging people, bc you don't know their background and you don't have the right to speak about things that don't have anything to do with you directly.

[Lenabobena]

I think it's awesome you used the word "fat." I'm sick of people saying "curvy" "plus sized" "bigger" or just plain "over weight" in an attempt not to offend. Whenever I hear those words used, to me it seams like an insult because in their heads they're saying "fat" as an insult. I personally call myself fat not because I have low self-esteem but because it's what I am. I just wish other people saw it that way. Like, no one uses other words to describe someone who wears glasses. Why should we use other words to describe someone who's fat? Both are a part of ones appearance, but only one is stigmatized. And it's not the one that makes it hard to drive at night.

[ThaliaIrwin]

It pisses me off when people say that fat acceptance is automatically skinny shaming. I wouldn't classify myself as fat or thin, I'm a curvy person. I'm 5 foot 7 and weigh about 140-145 lbs on any given day. But does that tell you anything about what I look like? Not really. You could tell I'm tall-ish but that's about it. Which is why weight is not a good measure of health. You might think "omg, not 120 lbs woman, she's fat!" But you wouldn't know anything about my health. Something that would tell you more about my health is my waist to hip ratio (although that's not flawless either) which is 28/41 (.68) or my waist to height ratio which is .42. But that still doesn't tell you how healthy I am! It doesn't tell you that I have a pelvis that regularly needs to be realigned because for some unexplained reason it misaligns itself all the time causing really bad pain. It doesn't tell you that I have IBS, it doesn't tell you that I have acid reflux, it doesn't tell you that I'm lactose intolerant. When doctors get fat people who are ill, they blame it on the fat. That's not okay. That is why we need fat acceptance. Because not all fat people get diabetes or hearth disease, and those are not the only diseases they can get.
Also, "skinny shaming" just stop.
No, people should not call skinny people anorexic just because they are skinny. But do you know how many times I've heard skinny friends or just thin people in general say "omg I'm so fat" as if it was the worst thing they could be? Have you ever been on a public school bus, where being fat is only seconded to being gay? Where they give the fat girl such low self confidence that she is fine with being sexually harassed on said bus because it's the only way she feels worthy of love? Fat shaming is way worse than skinny shaming has ever been, while starvation kills a hell of a lot faster than overeating could.

[mikeshardly]

My friends always tell me I'm not fat, in a way that makes it clear that if I were fat it would be some terrible thing. Well I am fat, or overweight, and I'm okay with that. I try to explain to them that being fat doesn't make me ugly, lazy, stupid, or anything but fat. Yes I am overweight, I've got wide hips and big thighs, I weigh nearly 200 pounds and I am beautiful. I am also passionate and funny and overly optimistic and in love with math. I am so many things and I refuse to be ashamed of any of them. There are things I want to change, I complain a lot, I eat too many carbs and not enough protein, I am messy. I am aware of my flaws, and I believe overcoming them, and proving to myself that I can overcome them, will be more valuable than if I never had them in the first place. I hope that one day everyone realizes that no matter how someone looks, they are still a person, just as worthy of respect, kindness, and compassion. I have personally reclaimed the word fat, my mom is fat, my aunts are fat, I am fat, we're a family of fat powerful beautiful intelligent kind women, and that's awesome. I won't use the word though, to describe anyone who isn't comfortable with it, because it may have baggage for them, and that's okay too. We are all on our own journey to personal acceptance and self confidence and it's not my place to determine what should and shouldn't offend someone. Also fat mom's are the best at cuddling, that is a fact.

[TheLoudseed]

I once was with a guy who said you have a pretty face, but your body doesn't match. I said yeah, no duh, it's because I'm overweight. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die because what he was saying was you are hot for a fat girl. I realized quickly he was the one with a problem and I eventually saw him as the loser he was, but still, I wish people would choose their words more carefully. I know a lot of people who struggle with their weight, myself included, and I would never presume they would be happier any thinner. Just the same as I know women who are thin who wish they were taller, had bigger breasts, whatever. We all struggle with things we don't like about our bodies. They are the only model we get, though, so we should treat them kindly.

[aejlindvall]

I can't for the life of me understand why people make such comments. It's absolutely awful, and I've heard many stories from people about it. I LOVE making people around me feel better, whether it's classmates or strangers. You can ALWAYS complement something about a persons appearance or personality. You should do it every day. It's just a part of being a nice person. Why would you want to make anyone feel bad or make them self conscious? Instead - try to make people feel better. Complement to cashier in a shop, the old lady sitter beside you on the buss and your neighbour, Say they have a nice perfume, pretty hair or cloathing style, skin, or that they are nice, generous, friendly, or bubbly. And DON'T shame people. It's not going to make you feel better about yourself, or the world. It will only put you in a negative headspace. And who wants that?

[TidusPoorPants]

I have ehlers danlos syndrome, my knees dislocate if I walk and my hips pop out getting out of bed, as such I don't move a lot and put on about 200lbs over ten years. Now if I go shopping, and am clearly disabled with walking apparatus and a carer to help me up if I fall, people will automatically assume it is my weight that has made me this way and insult me. I've had someone take my food out of my hands at the food court and put it in the bin, telling me the whole while "you're welcome", I've had people slow down to yell "MAN THE HARPOON" as they drive past me, I have had my service at clothing stores denied because they believed they had nothing for my body type in their boutique (even though I might not have been shopping for me, and I wasn't). Fat shaming and fat stigma isn't just someone trying to shame you into wellness and fitness, it is people purposely hurting you to make themselves feel better, they don't want to end up like you so the insult is not just for someone like me, but for them to remember for themselves not to get that big. The stigma exists to scare people out of fatness, not to 'help' them get well.

[Alchemydude]

My ex boyfriend once told me that he was attracted to me because I've got a bit of chub on me. I was a bit taken aback by it, I didn't want my only sexually appealing characteristic to be the cells of fat that liked to hang around my tummy and butt, and so I asked him what else he liked about me. He told me I had a cute enough face but he was more of a chubby chaser than anything and that was why he sought me out. Seeing that I was pretty mad, he quickly added that my....how to say this delicately, downstairs endowment and bedroom prowess were completely unexpected but appreciated perks. Yeah, I dumped that guy and hit the gyms after that one.

That's not to say that somebody finding chubbier people cuter than thinner people is wrong, people can like whatever they like, I just found that the particulars of the way he said it were odd. Not liking me for my personality or sense of humor, but rather physical appearance didn't sit well with me. Back then I thought gay guys were immune from patriarchal body image stuff, but that guy helped me realize why feminism is important to everybody. You win some you lose some.

[cassiusvoidkin]

My step father told my mother that I would be pretty if I lost some weight. She relayed this information to me like it was a compliment. For one, I am pretty. For two, my attractiveness is none of my step father's business. Thar. That's all.

[spinemelter]

Compliments really aren't compliments. I hate compliments because it seems like the person is humoring me. It's like telling a dog, "You're such a good boy! You fetched the ball all by yourself!" You shouldn't talk to people the same way you talk to dogs. Don't give me the straw-man argument of "What do you want people to say? That you're ugly and fat?" No, I don't see why it's necessary to comment about my appearance or my weight, especially if it's the first thing that you say to me.

[tylert]

Sadly the majority of fat shaming for me didn't come from peers or random strangers seeing me walk, fat shaming actually came from my own family, my parents in particular. I think this type of fat shaming was worse than a stranger calling me fat, and there have been some instances, but nothing is worse than hearing your own father saying, "You're fat, get on the treadmill" or "You're fat that's why people stare at you at restaurants" people that were suppose to be my best friends called me a hippo. So in turn as I grew up, I became my biggest critic because of those  people that were suppose to care about me most, treated me the worst, and I couldn't stop hearing their comments in my head.