Empathy Paradox and Borderline Personality Disorder

There are many paradoxes associated with BPD. A paradox is something that is self-contradictory. Those who have BPD have a tendency to experience something called the empathy paradox. The empathy paradox, for individuals with BPD, is that they are good at reading emotions in others due to paying extra attention to what’s going on in their environment and the people in it, but this information gets distorted along the way causing the individual with BPD to misinterpret those emotions as negative which leads to a greater likelihood of reacting negatively in situations. Also, the greater degree of the felt need for rapid response, the greater the impairment.

Research shows that those with BPD do possess enhanced empathic skills. Individuals with BPD have an increased sensitivity to negatively perceive emotional stimuli, and that this leads to a reduced ability to stop, think, determine best outcome, and then react that impairs self-control and performance, especially in tasks requiring quick responses. It also leads to a higher tendency to feel overwhelmed, a common feeling for those with BPD.

Individuals with BPD have a tendency to perceive and respond to internal urges that are a mixture of learned distrust of others that disrupts the ability to develop lasting and stable mental pictures of how you see and evaluate people in your mind, which leads to chronic social dysfunction. This history of learned inconsistency drives individuals with BPD to react as though they're going to be disrespected, hurt, abandoned or all 3.

What can you do about it? When you recognize emotions in others, stop and remind yourself of that negative tendency, look for environmental evidence to support or disprove what you’re feeling and interpreting, then reassess, and determine best outcome.

Slow and steady wins the race here, not rapid pace to this finish. The tortoise wins, not the hare.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

Citation:

Dinsdale, Natalie & Crespi, Bernard. (2013). The Borderline Empathy Paradox: Evidence and Conceptual Models for Empathic Enhancements in Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of personality disorders. 27. 172-95. 10.1521/pedi.2013.27.2.172.

[sarahblue]

Also isnt it contradictory how we think others think of us negatively and strangers do things specifically to be rude to us but at the same time we think no one cares about us and we are invisible. Interesting how we go from thinking the world rotates around us and is out to get us while also assuming no one cares at all

[fcmcfcmc]

I love this guy. Unpretentious brilliant and compassionate. Much respect and many thanks sir.

[joeedward]

That tendency to start to develop almost a mental picture of hatred for the people whom I love the most and am also emotionally dependent on, is SO EXHAHSTING. I'm such a sensitive person and i can not stand to hate someone. Especially with having the awareness that I know its irrational. So, try that on for size I have to seriously explain to my partner that I hate them. Literally heart breaking I'm so glad they're understanding of the disorder and know that it's not true.

[roshanrahealer]

The empathy paradox is real. It's easier to split with the empathy paradox, sometimes feeling explosive, while other times implosive. Both my husband and I suffer from PTSD and BPD symptoms, among other issues. Our relationship has grown as we focus on healing ourselves and discussing what ails us, instead of fighting and fleeing because we froze for too long. It's taken us 8 years to heal this much. We made a lot of mistakes along the way. Mistakes happen. We struggle every day. But each of us have learned to focus on what we need to, even when we need a break and binge-watch shows like Spongebob Squarepants.

[amandal]

Slow down, process and reason. This has absolutely saved me, IDK how I came to this on my own but I can 100% attest to the fact that this is a key to dealing with things better. When I forget everything is so bad!

Thank you yet again Dr. Fox!

[malkaringel]

I am a bpd since childhood and a psychic (past/future) empath. I had all of 6 weeks of therapy for bpd in my 62 years. I know I am impulsive. I can feel the emotions of others, therefore I tend to keep to myself. Thanks for making this topic easy to relate to.

[FeralCatSanctuary]

Holy COW!!!! Thank you so very much. I just can't tell you how much this helped me. It explained things I have never understood about myself with a lifetime of therapy, and years with a psychiatrist, all resulting in complete collapse into major depression as my life has spun out of control. Thank you so very much!

[laurenbradynutrition]

I like this content but I feel like what's missing is that the person experiencing BPD in the scenario has a fundamental inability to intuit self-interest when feeling trapped, stressed, or on the spot. It's not just about slowing down - we have to build the muscle of choice - to be able to say to ourselves in the moment, 'Hey self, this is a stressful, super triggering situation but my self interest/best way to accomplish my needs/safest way to exit is to buy my groceries, not to drop have a reaction that drops my needs like dominos.'

[aprilburns]

I'm diagnosed with BPd.. this is correct in how my mind tends to work up to the point of the outburst. I tend to start having a panic attack instead. So in your grocery store example I can feel the frustration coming off the other people and I start sweating and shaking then my mind starts shuting down.

[meekee]

I sometimes do get that misperception of what people are thinking, but even if it is negative thought I sometimes take it internally as, "they don't like me and i probably deserve it". I never get angry at them, just myself. My type of borderline is not represented, quiet, empathetic for others. I feel so much compassion for others that I can get very sad.
I like your techniques for getting out of dissasociating. The grounding is something I will try.
Thanks for your videos. You are one of my favorite you tube providers.

[kenmina-hswb]

Thank you for the very professional opinion. No fluff, straight to the point

[deathbysonar]

This explains a lot about my last relationship with someone who suffers at her own hands with BPD. I wish I could share the information but, the train has left the building.

[zygames]

u got the nail on the head so uncannily it's almost freaky

[dominikazawadzka]

This applies to me. I've noticed it a while ago, but realizing it actually made me doubt in the validy of my own feelings- every time I'm angry I ask myself do I have a valid reason to be angry and the worst thing is I never know... and it feels so bad.
The other thing is that although I pick too much of others emotions, behaviours, I can feel the vibe in the room, I get into situations where people are upset with me for something I did and didn't realize could get someone upset. I realize it only after and I get so angry at myself, loose any sense of worth. And I feel like I have no social skills, no sense of what's ok and what's not. This makes me want to stay at home and never have contact with others so that I dont embarrass myself or be disliked by others. Eh.

[lawrentw]

I absolutely love your videos. I have BPD, ADHD, MDD, and CPTSD. These videos have really given me more awareness of myself that I never received. I've been in therapy since I was 12 and am now 30. Thank you so so so much! Now I know what to look for in a good psychologist.

[MelisaJoy]

So grateful for you doc!! You are the only one I have seen that gives us credit enough to see that we can get better. I've attended anger management and learned to watch my thoughts so I haven't had a tantrum in quite a while now lol. I care about people and never set out to hurt anyone. Not malicious or revengeful and I often think of what I can do to help others. Yet they say Borderlines are self-centered and worse. You explain the background reasons why we have certain behaviors and I truly appreciate someone, especially a dr, who can and does TAKE THE TIME TO FIGURE US OUT instead of just going by what a college taught etc. BY THE WAY, after 26 years of trying to fix me I have gotten a better grip on my issues BUT I'm hitting a wall with some things. Mty case is pretty severe with the neglect and first foster home at 3-4 years old for 2 years then another at 10.... ANYWAY I am looking for someone to allow me to be a study case so I can finally get some medicine and further help. I FEEL SO ALONE and I am. Mom and little sister is all I have had beside a few visits in my younger years by moms side of family. Dad was injured in military I was told then died when I was like 8. Literally no family, no ins. My story is wild and a book could definitely happen SO HELP A GIRL OUT. I have proof of all my attempts on my own to fix me or at least not attempt suicide again. I havent tried in like 10 years now BUT THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Thank you.

[twainslureca]

Could you please do a video about how to find the right therapist for us? What traits to look for.

[blackfairyxdusy]

I’m 25. I was in the mental heath system for 13 years and I’ve pretty been told they can’t do anything else for me.

I’ve always thought i was just incredibly empathetic. I’ve never been told about warped empathy and how it can mix with rejection. It makes so much sense! It’s like powering up and then pulled so fast back to Earth, very fast. Wow you have no idea how grateful I am for this!

Your so brilliant! I could never thank you enough for sharing these videos! ❤️

[lesliepfeifer]

Lol....no wonder I was such a bad waitress!!!

[gordon]

I have BPD and hearing this is the slap in the face that I needed. I can't believe I behave like this and in doing so I push the ones I love the most away from me. Really hard pill for me to swallow right now...