How to Tell If You're Afraid of Intimacy

Sometimes we may end up in a couple where we spend a lot of time complaining - to concerned friends and family - that the other person is evidently and committedly ‘afraid of intimacy.’ They don’t often talk of their emotions; they may find it hard to be physically cosy; they don’t cry so often.

FURTHER READING

“Sometimes we may end up in a couple where we spend a lot of time complaining – to concerned friends and family – that the other person is evidently and committedly ‘afraid of intimacy.’ They don’t often talk of their emotions; they may find it hard to be physically cosy; they don’t cry so often.
Whereas we on the other hand – as all our acquaintances know – are the emotionally fluent ones. We long to be close to someone, we long to discuss our feelings openly and without restraint, we are healthy and ready for love. It’s simply such a pity – and so profoundly unfortunate – that we have ended up with such an unyielding and resistant partner…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Dave Anderson

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[marissa]

The profound effect it had on me when I realized that I chose emotionally unavailable people who were afraid of intimacy because I myself was emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy. It's a scary thing to face and choosing someone who can't meet you there is a sure way to make sure that you never have to do any of the real work. It was a hard thing for me to accept but shining a light on that is one of the best things I could've ever done for myself. Just know that it doesn't have to always be the way it's always been 💜

[moralebooster]

This animation was so cute :) I have just had to face that I am actually the peach in this video. I really thought I was good at being vulnerable and intimate. Turns out, until now, all of my past partners were particularly cold. I've just found a new one who is calling my bluff, can provide the intimacy I've always craved, and ironically it's showing me how afraid of intimacy I was all along! It's hilarious and humbling. But I'm learning how to really give and take it now.

[ariellaabrahams]

Thank you for this. The internet is full of attacks on those who are "avoidant attachment style " Trying to get something from someone who doesn't have it to give is really a kind of insanity

[RadzBG]

That's me and yet...I don't recall such traumas as a kid. I do not know why I am like this, but this fear has made me kick people out of my life for no reason...it sucks.

[biancadasilveira]

You sound EXACTLY like my therapist. You go to your session with one comment about your partner.. And all of a sudden you realise oh wait: its about ME and not THEM...

[DialTransmition]

Going through a very, very terrible breakup is what helped me get over my fear of intimacy, or at least become aware of it and handle it a lot better. I feel like even though it was a long and terrible period that I thought would never recover from, I came out a lot stronger and wiser.

[alexisdimyan]

Excellent as ever. Thank you, SOL.
The essence of authentic intimacy in intimate bonds is when two humans can strip off their "armour", and reveal their true, naked selves - in mind, body, and soul. This is the ultimate sign of a richly fulfilling, enduring relationship.

[Syco]

A relationship requires two people. A lot of people are afraid to admit that if there is a problem with the relationship that it's rarely only one person to blame.

[Destassan]

I guess it would be more accurate to call it Allergy to Intimacy rather than Fear of Intimacy. Or Intimacy-Associated Fear. There's nothing to be scared about intimacy. It's those things that we experienced along with intimacy.

Like, the cake is great but someone put broken glass in mine. I'm not scared of cake. I want my cake. I'm scared of swallowing glass.

[galahadthreepwood]

I’m very afraid of intimacy, this video describes me very well. My childhood was full of trauma.

[chisaten]

Childhood experiences aren't the only reason for a fear of intimacy. I have autism and can't stand having physical contact. I will easily be (too) trusting and share all about myself, but I don't even like my mother giving me a hug. Just writing that made me shiver.

[Bruno-tmxo]

Thank you very much……been there done that and as a result got shredded beyond repair. Invariably when you show your weakness people do or try to take advantage of. It is sad but it is a fact.
And now what ?? you get blamed for not being intimate, but in the end, as you mention, it’s those who claim to want it who are incapable to be intimate.
A temper tantrum is not intimacy……it is just plain selfish abuse.

[yetibluedog]

Ive been hearing it for years, finally had to look it up... it IS Alain de Botton narrating. Enjoyed his lectures many years ago now. Had thought myself crazy for hearing his voice within these words. May be that I am mad, yet not on this. Phew! Love these reminders of introspection. I dont do it nearly enough. AdB the philosopher for our time. His thoughts carried by words, hold a deeper meaning as Ive grown within myself in a dynamic world. Thank you.

[tonyguill]

Not afraid, just sick of the rejection.

[svalbard]

This video seems to assume a steady state of intimacy. However, early in a relationship a partner can seem very open to intimacy because it is mostly physical and emotional intimacy, but later, when real love actually develops, there is more "heart" at risk and so the walling off of intimacy begins. I think this is a pretty common pattern that the video doesn't speak to.

[jenwhitesides]

I'm always astonished at the maturity and intelligence of your videos. Thank you.

[lynnemanning]

Oh boy, that was me!! Spent most of my life wanting others to be intimate with me, but I was petrified and always blamed the other person. Of course, it was not entirely my fault, but I never did pick a man who truly wanted to work on the relationship, and try to become friends. I think I could have become more intimate given some education, and if my partner could have been more inclined, but really, that's not how they were wired, and probably still aren't...anyway, all from my childhood....And now, I very much enjoy and love at times, living alone, and being on my own, something I was running from my whole life, never thought I could be alone. I think a lot of people in relationships, stay in bad relationships, because they do not want to be alone. But guess what, it can be so liberating and wonderful! I have never been happier!! I have some good friends too.💟

[scrapadoo]

It is so gratifying to have this message presented! I continue to research attachment styles and it’s frustrating and boring to continually see comments (and even videos) demonizing the unavailability and/or inconsistent availability in relationships with people who have predominantly avoidant or disorganized attachment styles. I am yet to see any of the people who feel victimized by emotionally unavailable people take accountability for their own choices to remain in these relationships, ones where the needs and desires they are conscious of aren’t met. Thank you very much for addressing such an important issue!

[adikrashnik]

Never have I see a channel that understands its audience type of person as much as you guys, that’s next level😂

[a.t.]

It rings true to me, although what I'm more focused on right now, is that I crave to consistently and freely share my passions with someone else who likes the same things as me, yet I feel I don't find that person.

I tell myself that I try to be nice and care about others' passions and listen to them, hoping they reciprocate; but even when they do at some level, I still don't feel completely good or satisfied; and sometimes I talk about it a little more vocally. Yet when I analyse myself more closely, I discover that I'm not as caring as I thought either, all the time.

I know that this big fixation won't bring me fulfilment I seek, but I don't know how to reconcile that craving inside myself (to share what I like with others), and I find it somehow hard to genuinely appreciate my closed ones for who they truly are: wonderful, valuable people.