The Narcissist's Fear of Abandonment: Understanding Their Insecurities

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[XFLexiconMatt]

The irony of their fear of abandonment is that they do everything they can to drive people to abandon them in time. Anyone with a sense of their own worth, wises up.

[NarcSurvivor]

The narcissist’s greatest fear is rejection and abandonment. Because then they feel like their false self doesn’t exist.

[b-Image]

Most of the narcissist I ever dealt with were so hurt by me discarding them that when I took some of them back they discarded me and tried to hurt me in some way. They always have to get their lick back for the most part. I have learned that once you reject them don’t ever look back if you do go back keep in mind that they will disappoint you

[lamentate]

The narcissist's greatest trick is getting you to believe that you need them far more than they need you.

[daynapeterson]

Afraid of abandonment but yet they behave in a manner which causes people to abandon them. Went no contact from my elderly covert narc mom; finding it interesting that no flying monkeys have surfaced. I believe she has told no one just to keep up appearances.

[Lbm]

I could not care less about their insecurities. They bring it on themselves (their fear of abandonment). I know many people who suffered terribly in their lives and they do not become toxic cretins. In all my life have never met a more self-destructive, manipulative, lying, cheating sociopath than my ex fiancé. That man could cry, feign empathy, look you in the eyes, put Cartier on it and all the while having affairs and lying to everyone. Never accountable. Always gaslighting and blaming me. I look back and still cannot believe how truly malignant he was. I left yet he stalked me for years. « You are the only one », « why else would I still be after you for four years » « I love only you » « I built a house for you ». Then it turned into « you owe me » « you cannot do this » « this will not stand ». I literally moved continents and finally I have peace. It’s pretty simple, really, if you treat people like crap they will leave. He now has a 20 year younger transactional relationship. Sadly, she knows exactly what he is about (in his own writing, no less) but it seems this arrangement of a lifestyle she never had will perhaps keep her there… you get what you settle for. If you ask me, he got his karma.

[sonuahuja]

They have fear of abondment, but yet they mistreat the people close to them/ their partner. What an irony? Nothing makes sense about them!

[WaterNymphie]

They gave a deep paranoia of perceived betrayal. They feel entitled to knowing EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING you are and do, to feel in control. Control makes the feel safe. Your free will and your privacy scares them, as they can't control that.

[joshuaanzalone]

I find it very intriguing how they can destroy others but yet say noooo don't leave me.

[mgb]

Even my malignant N yelled at me once that "I have abandonment issues!" I didn't say, "We all do. Yours aren't my problem. See a therapist!" Not a safe thing to do.

[christinalewis]

The harrassment never ends. It has been years, I can't understand it at all.

[thabomuso]

1. Make no mistakes. All real narcicissts secretly despise themselves. Any real change in their life that affects their validations punches a big hole in their fake shield of grandiosity and only their self-loathing is left. This is why I think that they do absolutely anything to maintain their fake shield of grandiosity. That is why they must maintain any serious relationship they have with anyone, be it a partner, a friend or a work colleague.

2. If you wish to have a narcissist to stay away from you, my personal experience is that they will only react to fear of evidence of their behavior, often illegal behavior. That is also the only effective way to make them not stalk you in the future.

3. Therefore, when you leave the narcissist, you must first prepare yourself with evidence, possibly legal actions and so on. Think up counter-moves against their moves against you when you try to leave them.

[Dana-gjhr]

I think of a passage by Anne Lamott: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
When it comes to Narcissistic behavior and their fear of abandonment, "If parents wanted you to interact with them in their elder years, they should have been kinder to you in your childhood."
Protect your inner child, your prior narcissist is still trying to crush him/her.

[alessandrasaenz]

It's mind-blowing how even if they dumped you for someone else or gave you an ultimatum to leave, they're still furious and treat you even worse and go on a smear campaign against you. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani. This video was very clarifying and validating. Many blessings.

[kingbee]

In other words, narcissists bring the abandonment on themselves. At least when the scapegoat is no contact, the narcissist is being accountable for their actions.

[Morastbiene]

I've never truly understood my (covert, sociopathic or worse) narc's fear of abandonment. I had shown and reassured him over the course of several years that I wouldn't leave as long as certain lines wouldn't get crossed. He did it anyway and as you said, I was supposed to put up with it and keep quiet. He said that he was afraid of rejection and people leaving, but at the same time he did nothing (except for breadcrumbing, gaslighting and shifting the blame) to keep me from doing so while he continued to steer us towards the inevitable separation.
I have been extremely transparent and he knew exactly what bothered me and how much it affected me which means I've made one of the biggest mistakes you can do when you're talking to a narcissist, but I didn't know that back then. He just sat there and watched me crumble as he kept offending, bullying and gaslighting me. Trying to get through to him was like telling a child to stop playing with matches and they set the house ablaze, only to look at you and ask why you're screaming at them... My only conclusion is: All of this wasn't about me.

[LeahIsHereNow]

So, like, verbally breaking every character trait you have down until you’re forced to defend yourself and engage with their lunacy due to sheer frustration, then telling you your reaction is the REAL problem (ie if you cry, you’re a dramatic baby and if you tell them THEY’RE abusive, they SCREAM at you that they’re an absolutely AMAZING and ultra normal and YOU are the crazy one etc.), then (for the 10th time) telling you to get out of their house, if you dare fight back the threats escalate to “you have 30 minutes to get out or I’ll MAKE you!”(whatever that means) and when you (at their emphatic behest) pack and get ready to walk out the door that magically change into your savior (saving you from THEM… 🙄) and acting like you’re being silly for entertaining such a silly notion. 🤬

Then the love bombing hence, whole stupid cycle, begins again.

I’m so fucking tired. It’s mentally exhausting and just pathetic. I know when I leave for good the flood of calls and emails will pour in “omg, how could you leave me… I was SO good to you… please come back… maybe I was kinda wrong… I was 100% wrong… I promise I’ll be better blah blah blah” ad nauseam.

WHY do they think we’re stupid? I’m exalted to near perfection only to be torn down like I’m the biggest loser ever OVER and OVER and I’m inevitable numb to it now.

But, DAYUM, he lies about the stupidest, most easily disprovable BS! Example, “you took a week off work because you cut your finger and got stitches.”

“No, I took one shift off.”

“WHAT? NO! How are you so sure?”

“BECAUSE I KNOW HOW CALENDARS, DAYS AND NUMBERS WORK.”

And then he blows his stack and calls me a smart ass. Better than being a dumbass, ya man baby psycho… (sorry, venting!) 😂😂😂

I gotta laugh or I’ll drown in my own tears.

Thanks, Dr. Ramani! ❤

[christanatwork]

Spot on again, Dr R. Three years on, she’s dragging out that divorce which she repeatedly asked for, which to her surprise I finally agreed to and wanted done soonest. The ploy backfired. Tired of the games.

[tumblebugspace]

The group narcissism in the psychological services industry has brought me *far more* harm than the individual narcissists in my personal life. I can't seem to get away from it!

[kathiemihindukulasuriya]

This was very informative. I was wondering why my insecurities got better and I learned not to try and control things that aren't my business to control when others didn't. I really worked hard at it. I caught therapy and counseling, read and worked on changing my behaviors and attitudes. I said out loud to someone I trusted my worst fears and realized that the world did not end. I also tried to do things I was afraid of that weren't actually dangerous - ask a question of a renowned professor at a conference, touch a tarantula, going to social event that made me nervous to slowly expand my competencies and overcome my fears. Finally, I had to learn (multiple times) to ask for help when needed and not bury myself under obligations and expectations.