autism, childhood trauma, and fawning (a late-diagnosed perspective)

#autism #neurodivergent #actuallyautistic #autistic #cptsd

[stupidben]

I just came across the video. I totally feel it. I want to get myself checked out as well, but my NHS GP told me they “did not have the resources” to give me mental health services, while I don’t have the money to go private as well. It is distressing, on top of my chronic illnesses, and I am struggling with joblessness as well.

[hurrweasel]

"just because you're different, you're not broken" is such a beautiful sentence. I am happy that even if it was late you got the diagnosis so you were able to keep figuring yourself out, to try and work with the way you were just born. I also wish there was more mental health awareness maybe especially in childhood, it could help so many kids. And then ending up hearing these sentenses like "you are too much" or "you're just dramatic" are just horrible, they invalidate the feeling you have, they tell you that YOU are the problem not something going on in your brain or maybe even something that was wrong with your upbringing no, YOU.. and that is something especially if it comes from people who are close to you which can really get stuck in someones head and mess with them maybe their whole life.

well.. since you said to trauma dump here we go😅
okay not really traumatic since I don't think I have one? or atleast not that I am aware of, but since we talked about childhood and being late diagnosed I will just talk about how it was for me..
so I feel like my social anxiety has been there ever since I was a kid, I cannot pinpoint when it started but I know that ever since the 4th class (since I had to switch classes because I went to the 4th class twice since my grades were so bad the first time) I had extreme anxiety of just not being accepted and just being scared of other people, scared of rejection so I would not even talk a single word since yeah people will judge me when I am quiet but they will judge me even more when I open my mouth and say something bad / wrong..? idk I can't really explain it it's just the feeling of anxiety, and because of that I never really had any big birthday partys, I never really invited "friends" over to my house, I never really had any friends just people that were around me like in school for example. I never really went to any partys, I never met up with bigger groups of people, I never celebrated my youth consecration like every other person did, I never really traveled or went to any events and if I did I just always felt uncomfortable, always just anxious, just wanting to get out of that situation... All that because of my anxiety.. Like I am now 23 years old and idk. Feel like I didn't even have a life? Sounds weird but.. there was rarely other stuff on my plan than just waking up, going to school, going home and sitting infront of my PC for hours on end.

It just made me feel comfortable, I feel the most comfotable by not having to interact with anyone around me. Like even seeing my own family gives me anixety and is something I avoid more and more... I had problems in school with teachers because I "didn't raise my hand enough" in class... I always got minus points on presentations because of my monotone voice level (which was probably like 99% caused because of the anxiety) or losing my train of thought.. well.. then the whole job situation started and I of course was not able to control my anixety, like was always super shy even at work places I've been for months I've never really spoken more than a few words a day to anyone because I just felt uncomfortable all the time. every single day. So yeah.. ended up quitting, not before ofc I went trough some bullying of my collegues which just made me fall into this deep deep depression, self hatred, self harm hole that ... I am still kind of stuck in even 4-5 years later... I've went to a daily clinic and now atleast know how to have a normal conversation which yes was a skill I had to learn since I had NO idea on how to even guide a conversation?

and well now we're in the present, I recently moved, am still in a really really rough situation at the moment which again starts to really fuel my depression and self harm... But hey... if I am settled in I atleast have the courage (and to be honest reaaaally want to) start a job where I maybe start with an 8 hour week for the beginning and work myself up from there. So that's something I wouldn't have thought that this would be possible a year ago, sure my situation right now sucks like really sucks since (whatever ill just say it) my welfare is not getting approved for over a month now and I had to switch jobcenters because of my move, and since they take so long I am now slowly but surely raking up a depth, I cannot pay my rent, I cannot buy myself food, I cannot go outside since I can't affoard a train ticket.. and everything just sucks at the moment to be honest. :/ But hey... Life keeps going. oh and.. uhm my social anxiety was diagnosed when I was like 20-21? And the sad thing about that is that I have seen videos about it and were able to relate to so much about the whole topic, and yeah I brought it up to therapists I had at the time but they all focused on the depression which (atleast I'd say so myself) is a side effect of the social anxiety.. cause who would have thought that when you have no one around you since everyone makes you feel anxious that you get real lonely🥲 oh well... I have a few friends (3-4) to talk to and just really thankful to have atleast some people on this planet where I can be myself, who respect me and my anxiety, who like me and accept me for who I am.

[Rick-S-]

Hey there! It's good to see you have a new video. Thank you for putting it up and for touching on subjects that closely relate to my past.

Over the years I have dealt with low grade OCD and eating disorders, nervous tics, psoriasis outbreaks, numerous problems and various conditions. And, I've come to suspect that a traumatic childhood was the cause of so much of them. There wasn't that much physical abuse but the mental abuse was off the scale. Like you, I tried so hard to be liked and wanted but my efforts often drove people away.

This will sound awful, but I think the turning point was when my dad asked me (at the age of 45) to move back in with him and mom. I verbally tore into him for a good 45 minutes and mom also received a brutal scolding. It was almost like the dam had been breached and the decades of accumulated rage boiled over.

It's a proven fact that physical scars heal but the mental ones never go away. Well, my mental scars faded more in those 45 minutes than they had in the previous 45 years.

Well, enough of me for now. Thanks again for your courage and honesty. You are a wonderful young lady who is appreciated very much.

[thefinalgeneration]

Thank you so much for sharing your life, heart and journey young lady. You are amazing, bold and courageous.

We are raising a wonderful, beautiful, little boy of 6 years old too whom are also on the autism spectrum.

Keep on sharing your journey


You are very special!