Narcissism and the fawn response

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[debbiesday]

I learned to fawn early in life. I was the ultimate good girl. When I met my future narcissistic husband I was so impressed that he gave me so much positive attention until we got married. After the honeymoon, he started ignoring me and not being emotionally open with me. The trauma bond was already forming. Forty years of trying to please him with little success and much damage to myself. Now I'm on my own and starting to heal and learn who I am...finally!

[sarahb]

This is one of the main reasons I chose to go no-contact with my parents. The "fawn" response is the first thing I learned in childhood, the most deeply integrated response to them is to allow them anything and have zero boundaries. I have sat through some pretty ridiculous moments with multiple family members, as an adult, and only in hindsight did I realize that I at no point was authentic, felt free to speak, felt heard at all, or actually got my point across. Any time I have ever raised an objection I am met with the same reaction and the only acceptable answer is to resort to fawning or I am given the silent treatment.
There's just no authenticity in this relationship between myself and my parents. The times that I have been authentic it's literally as if I'm not speaking (They've literally started another conversation with someone else and walked out of the room while I've been speaking) and it's not uncommon to just never get a response, like the times I've tried communicating via email or text.
Fawning to me is very dangerous when it comes to healing childhood trauma as an adult because it's an immediate compromise on the boundaries I need in place. This is my individual story and why I chose to go no-contact. I don't think everyone else has to make the same decision but this one was mine. I hope everyone is doing okay today :)

[joelhenry]

I'm a big time fawner. One of the hardest pills to swallow is realising that the reason I attracted so many narcissists is because of my fawning ways. It's to the point now where I stay away from many of the people I was close to in the past because I recognise the foundation of the relationship was inauthentic fawning. It's a mixture of disgust with myself and realising that I really don't even like these people that much.

[gracelewis]

"Healing from narcissistic abuse starts with surviving..."
Wow. I really needed to hear this. Thank you.

[grannybear]

As a child, 7, 8, 9, I got up, after everyone was asleep, and I cleaned house, to surprise my mother. I told her the fairies or elves, came in and cleaned and organized. I pretended I was an elf. I said the elves came because they knew she tried so hard, and was such a good mother and so beautiful, but she had so much to do, that she couldn't do it all.

[jenniferd]

I also was the straight-A, dishwasher emptying, model citizen child and grew up fawning and people pleasing to get my narcissistic parents approval. Unfortunately I turned into my mother - narcissistic. Ironically “fawning” became a tool of manipulation. SadlyI am now dealing with the wreckage I have caused my former husband and now-grown children. Thank you for all of your excellent videos Dr. Ramani.

[ParadiseLoading]

The fawn response has typically been my response for years, and I hate it hate it hate it! It makes me feel like I'm failing myself and then I've also felt like I'm not the genuine me because I don't want to upset the apple cart. Meanwhile, I'm draining myself to support others 😪

[janaevans]

I’ve only recently learned about fawning. Indeed, I’ve never related to fight, flight or freeze. But fawning, oh yes…I’ve been perfecting it my whole life. It’s the reason I can’t have verbal conversations with my son’s dad. Everything has to be in TalkingParents. On the very rare occasion when a verbal conversation is warranted (just had one this week after three years) I jump right into fawning - validating everything he says. not stating my opinion well, ensuring I don’t “rock the boat.” This has always been my M.O. …back to when I would race home from school to clean the kitchen, scrubbing my step mother’s copper-clad pans until they glimmered. And somehow, I’ve always believed this behavior made me “stronger” than everyone else. The more I could take, the better and stronger I felt I was. And no one ever saw me sweat. It is so much “easier” than the consequences of setting boundaries and ruffling feathers. Wow, now I see…

[Ann-uihl]

I survived a narcissistic mother and father and find myself fawning over the most disgusting people! Afterward I feel ashamed and angry at myself. Now I know why I do it. Thank you so much for describing this behavior for me. I can now be kinder to my traumatized self for acting in this way.

[brittanie]

I am 1000% a fawner, and highly empathetic and sensitive. Growing up with a narcissist mother, is where this response is absolutely rooted. As a young adult I worked with several narcissist colleagues in the healthcare space and began to become absolutely angry and disgusted not only with their toxicity, but my inability to stand up for myself. I would ruminate afterwards on all the things I “wish I had said” instead which drove me mad. Becoming conscious to these patterns and walking in authenticity is how I was able to start showing up differently. Thank you Dr Ramani as always.

[pwhite]

The last time I fawned I felt like I needed a shower afterward. Grew up under the control of a narc mother so I don’t fawn anymore. Now I can see it coming a mile away and I just walk away from people. Grateful for everything you have taught us!

[rosettesionne]

Fawning saved my life when I was a kid, in my culture when a child try to assert his right, he gots either beaten or shout at. So I grew up unable to stand up for my self by fear of "punishment" what helped me to stop it, is when I finally realized that no matter what I did for them, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. So I adopted an attitude of, I don't care anymore and I was no longer afraid of the consequences which made my fawn diminish a little. Now when I saw my fawn get activated I immediately cut contact with the person.

[Picca]

"My fightresponse is notoriously weak." Mine too. As a kid it has been the best way to get through the days. I have been GREAT at fawning ... Thanks to last years videos of you I can recognize it now and choose to turn it into whatever needed: fluff, greyrock, walk away or even call them out. 42 and getting more mindful and much stronger towards a**es.

[Cat-wufh]

I am 50 years old and I just learned today that I consistently fawn around anyone who mistreats me. It has cost me so much in life, over and over. So glad I’m finally aware what is going on. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make sure that no one else explodes that I don’t even know who I am or what feelings I have until much after the event. Then I have always wondered what the hell is wrong with me? Now I know. Thank you. I’ve been figuring all this out this week and your video was very helpful. Thank you.

[purplelavender]

My main response is freeze then fawn, during my marriage this was what kept me safe. It made me feel shame for not standing up for myself, growing up I always thought I would never let anyone treat me the way my dad treated my mother ironically I married someone worse than my dad.

[emmalouie]

I like that she points out for people not to get angry at themselves. Self-defeat, discouragement, self-hate it all seems to be part of the frustration and distress of the Narcissistic experience. In the long term it has to be bad for people's health.

[celestinwong]

This is definitely something I do. Such a relief to know that this is not something I'm alone in, the disgust with myself afterward can be so crippling

[rachelsnow]

When you finally drop the fawn and start to fight it surprises the heck out of them. It took me 39 years but I did it. Sending strength to everyone going through it.

[notagain]

When I "fawn", it's for two reasons: I don't want to start uncomfortable feelings, and the other reason is that in our family, what was considered good manners was to overlook bad behavior in others. Staying silent meant not rocking the boat, or not making waves. I'm realizing there is a better way, but it takes practice to start speaking up in a way that simply lets the other person "hear" themselves. Sometimes it turns out a positive, such as in the response from a brusque or unthinking person, "Gee, I guess that did sound a little rude. Let me put it a better way." Not all people are able to self reflect, though.

[MovementsWithMeaning]

Yes, growing up I was the cleaner, cook, secretary, clown, straight A intellectual. I fawn instantly and unconsciously with everyone, including therapists. "You always look so smiley and happy." I finally realized what was happening and work so fricken hard to not do that unconscious performance in therapy. I've gotten so much further and have a therapist who is MUCH less confused by me once I was able to explain my realization of this unconscious fawn response. This unconscious performance of "so happy, funny, and smart" is what kept me safe in my life until I finally kicked out the toxic people. Now to become aware of this fawning and learn to reliably switch it off.