Advice to Parents Who Are Estranged From Their Children

I hope this video helps someone... Meanwhile, I don't know if I made the point clearly enough in this video, but I want to say that I totally respect anyone who has no interest in reconnecting with a parent or with parents who harmed them.

[rosemarierathbun]

Omg, as a child of abusive parents, I wished for them to own their behavior and take responsibility. Narcissists aren’t capable of that, sadly.

[Thesisinxumaloblog]

What surprises me is the shock that such parents have, as if they were besties with their kids prior to the estrangement. It usually shows the dissonance involved in those relationships, and that's usually a good place to start: what was the ACTUAL relationship like prior to estrangement

[SusanaXpeaceu]

My parents would NEVER admit they did anything wrong. Well, my mum certainly wouldn't and my Dad just backs her up no matter what. So unhealthy

[guessundheit]

Giving relationship advice to narcissists is like giving socialization skills to a serial killer. All you're doing is giving them tools to blend in and lure more victims. The only advice narc "parents" should get is "Get over it. Your victims recognize you for what you are. Mourn it like a death and move on." When I cut ties, the breeders became even MORE controlling of the other two siblings and never even talked about me anymore.

[kraftthisile]

Dad married another family, so he told us he never wanted us, and leave him alone with his new family. They will be there for him when he dies. They're better than his own kids 🤗.
Huge self esteem blow. Always felt like a failure around him. Took me a long time away from that family to finally realize that I'm not.

[AdairZionist]

These disturbingly unaware comments by estranged parents are making my own decision to go no contact easier to be confident in. Sadly it's not unlike my own parents. Been around 8 months of no contact and I feel like I'm getting healthier now that I can be more myself and surround myself with healthier people.

[doriwilliams]

I don’t care if my mom writes an encyclopaedia of her mishaps and abuse. I will never speak with her again. I have worked far too long and far too hard to heal myself and break down the barriers of abusive patterns to give her a chance she is not entitled to. To any parents out there who are trying to “get your kid back” just don’t. If you fucked up, the least you can do is let them go, let them be happy without you. Just because you aren’t happy without them doesn’t mean you get to try and budge your way into their life when they don’t want you in it. Leave them alone. Stop bothering them. Stop calling, they moved on, they are doing their own thing, I suggest you move on too.

[ARS-fnpx]

Its in childrens nature to always choose the happiness of the parents. It takes a lot for them to cut ties with their parents. So to be "clueless" and "confused" as to why just adds to the right decision the child has made, going no contact with you.

[SantaFeSuperChief]

The amount of cope from abusers in this comment section is a one part hilarious, and another part absolutely tragic.

[kingari]

To all the adult kids don’t be afraid to let go. Peace is PRICELESS!

[DodgaOfficial]

My favorite thing is how the parents always are just so absolutely dumbfounded by their child's estrangement, even though this kind of no contact NEVER comes without prior warning. These types of parents simply are unable to take on any kind of criticism, it absolutely terrifies them. The way they truly perceive the situation, is that they once had an absolutely beautiful relationship with their child(usually, it actually means the child was under their thumb and emotionally enmeshed), then all of a sudden the child simply wants nothing to do with them, completely out of the blue. They'll mention, in their scattered recollection of the account, very minor things they did, and act like those are the reasons, and so naturally, they are dumbfounded as to why when they've been perfect besides mistakes everybody makes.
When you read between the lines, you will actually find they know EXACTLY why their children are estranged, but they simply cannot compute why it's a problem, so they think it's some kind of smokescreen. These people are so incapable of respecting others boundaries, that they simply cannot even see why someone would have a problem with the things they do. They view their children as extensions of them, a slightly more independent form of property.

Say it's a mom, she constantly undermines her daughter in laws role as a parent of her grandchildren, she wants to be called mom by her grandchildren, she takes away firsts like first haircuts, she grabs the baby out of the moms arms, and demands time with the baby away from the parents. The daughter in law, naturally feels undermined, she feels like MIL is constantly trying to take her place and undermine her position. If you talk to a parent who has been estranged from this kind of jealous and boundary stomping behavior, they will tell you "I was just being a good grandmother, I offered to babysit, I spoiled my grandchildren, I even offered to hold the baby when I could tell the mom was tired! I went out of my way to be a good grandmother, and I all of a sudden have my son telling me I'm not his wife and that I'm just a grandmother!"
You see the way these kinds of parents will minimize their own behavior and paint it a way that makes them seem the victim. They will admit to very tiny mistakes, but never give you the full picture. They are simply incapable of seeing what they're doing, because it's often very very deeply ingrained behavior that is an automatic response, they aren't doing it purposely, they are doing it because that's who they are, it's all they know.

Then you have the communities of all these estranged parents that highlight this behavior and lack of insight in a very profound way, it is an echo chamber of victimhood.

[erockfreedom]

Unfortunately my parents would never care enough, be willing to look at themselves like that, but I respect the ones who do.

[RSG]

I was going to therapy when I finally decided to cut my parents off and I wrote a letter to them I detailed my reasons why, what actions they have made that have brought us here, I even thanked them for the little things but ultimately told them they no longer have access to me.

It did my peace wonders. And I really hope my decision was a slap in the face enough for them to realize their idea of me is just a fabrication in their own mind. A fantasy.

Apparently, ever since, I hear that my mother has only grown bitter and argumentative. So much for all that Jesus she threw around.

Thanks doc!

[dianagarrison]

If you can’t empathize with your child, then can you really love them?

[hilaldeniz]

They harmed me, Daniel. I don't want to call them or see them anymore.

[mzindelo]

I just cut mine off a couple weeks ago. It’s the best choice I ever made. Now I can just work on healing from the decades of disrespect and abuse.

[Langkowski]

To put it this way; if someone had filmed my toxic parents, and especially my father, with a hidden camera during my childhood and then uploaded the videos on youtube, he would probably have received death threats. My parents literally ruined my life.
It's too late for my father.  If he should ever try to reach out, I'm not interested. I lost that interest a long time ago. During my teenage years and 20s there was countless times where I would have violent fantasies where I was beating the crap out of him with a baseball bat. After all these years, I sometimes still get furious just by thinking about him (and my mother as well).
The worst advice I read on the net is "have you ever tried to talk to your parents and tell them what you feel?".

[theokirkley]

My parents don't want to acknowledge their behavior. So for now, I'm keeping a distance

[silverline]

Wake up parents, listen, don't deny. That would be a start. Become conscious and aware, stop lying and denying.

[aliceinwisdom]

For the parents in the comments disagreeing with this video and/or blaming their children instead of looking within, I think the reason you’re not able to understand your adult child’s perspective is because you have a wounded inner child and unprocessed trauma. Once you reflect on your own dysfunctional upbringing and childhood, will you understand that you repeated patterns that were not healthy and it hurt your child(ren). If their childhood was really that great, you wouldn’t be estranged. Let that sink in.