Psychoanalyst's Advice For Young Parents | Erica Komisar

Too often in recent years, we have acted as though there is no link between the strength of our social fabric and the prosperity of our nations.

But it is fast becoming clear that the health of our social fabric matters profoundly, and its deterioration is having a serious impact upon our resilience as people. This link between the health of our social fabric and our mental health is clear and should not be underestimated.
 
In the most recent of our ARC Conversations, we had the privilege of discussing these issues with Erica Komisar, a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst and parent coach.

The simple truth that Erica would seek to remind us of is, that when it comes to our children, 

“beginnings matter.”

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Erica Komisar is a clinical social worker, author, psychoanalyst, psychological consultant and parent guidance expert who has been in private practice in New York City for over 30 years.

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ARC, the Alliance for Responsible Citizenship, is a global community with a vision of a world where every citizen can prosper, contribute, and flourish.

Join us in shaping this vision, as we draw on the best of our inheritance to build hope-filled future. Let's seek solutions to the problems we face that tap into humanity's highest virtues and remarkable capacity for innovation and ingenuity.

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00:00 - Intro
01:13 - 02:46 - The importance of early years care
02:47 - 03:55 - The rise of institutional care
03:56 - 07:45 - Changing societal attitudes to parenting
07:46 - 09:47 - Helping parents plan for children
09:48 - 12:05 - Why less people are having kids
12:06 - 13:18 - The beauty of family
13:19 - 14:10 - Effects on children's mental health
14:11 - 17:04 - Effects on our attitudes to dating and family
17:05 - 19:18 - How can we break the cycle?
19:19 - 25:19 - Why we need both mothers and fathers
25:20 - 28:48 - What about divorce?
28:49 - How do we rebuild the social fabric?

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[chdao]

You are never too smart to stay home and homeschool your kids. Imagine how much your life would have changed if you were raised by someone who loved you instead of an institution. Having grown up in daycare and public school, I decided that I did not want that for my children and looked for a traditional woman to marry and raise a family together. She is constantly showing me what I missed growing up.

[EyeofSekhmet]

Uh I stay home with my kids BECAUSE I am smart. I like real scientific research and the research around young children is very clear. I want to optimize the potential of my children in every way. I can always start a career later, when my kids are more independent.

[raghdalolabi]

I have a master’s degree in cancer research and I had a great job but I left everything to stay home with my babies and homeschool (in a few years). We live a very simple and frugal life, and my husband works so hard to provide. We are a team and fulfill our roles as best as we can for our children. It’s 100x easier to go to work. I’m exhausted but my family is happy, well fed, well-adjusted. Our home is in order. This motivates my husband to work hard for us. I’ve never been happier! This is what life is about.

[neorx]

As a society we need to focus more on family values and virtues and less on material gain and selfish desires. Thank you for sharing this conversation

[LukaBendzo]

I've never heard anyone say "I regret putting my family first." A great interview and great storytelling. 👍

[harshininavyateja]

It's not only during the first three years but a child needs a mother at every point in life

[MILAMGM]

“Having children is not about you. Is about them” that is the mindset and cultural shift that our society needs right now. It could potentially solve issues from mental health problems to poor nutrition in kids and later in adults

[m.]

As a stay-at-home mom myself, who agrees with everything you say about the benefits for children (and the whole family), and coming from generations of women (my mother, grandmothers on both sides, great-grandmothers, etc.) who stayed at home, I beg you not to blame feminism. Being a stay-at-home mother means that a woman and her children's well-being depend 100% on her husband's emotional intelligence, ability to love and care for her, and his continued attraction to her. The sacrifice is not about career but about safety, security, and well-being. There is a constant risk in that. Women tell other women not to take that path because they witnessed their mothers' and grandmothers' despair, abuse, neglect, and trauma, with no way out! Men have misused their stay-at-home wives for generations. So telling women (and men!) to blame feminism will not make significant progress in this area. The goal should be to support more stay-at-home moms. We are currently living between a rock and a hard place. Stay-at-home mothers with great marriages are NOT the majority, and they, along with their children, need more support and less gaslighting. Direct your attention to men—call them out on why women are not choosing to be stay-at-home moms. Hold them accountable for their part, because women are already stretched beyond any humane measure! Ask men if they are prepared mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually for such a responsibility.

What's the point of having a stay-at-home mom who wakes up depressed, anxious, and broken-hearted every day while the dad goes on with his life as if his wife—the mother of his children, the heart of his home—isn't drowning in despair?

[emeraldelle]

I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for 12 years now. Just had my 5th baby. I also homeschool. I get plenty of judgement and zero support outside of my husband. No help from extended family, no support or encouragement from the community. It’s a lot of work and it’s very lonely for me. Worth it! But lonely.

[janjoyal]

I was college educated but chose to be at home raising and teaching my own children. I’m glad I did so.

[jutman]

I hope All you able to raise your children while one parent works realize how blessed and lucky you’re in this era…

[auchmalwassagen]

Thanks to Erica Komisar for speaking out the truth. I am a victim of a narcissistic mother (and a weak father) who once told me frankly that she didn’t want to give up anything (work) for me and that she would do it all over again just like she did.
I am suffering from several trauma symptoms and no regular life is possible until now in my mid fourties‘. It’s a huge awful unnecessary struggle.

[ellenoneill]

Being a mother is the hardest job ever to do properly. I have always worked part time and they have never had childcare apart from their grandparents. It has mostly been very rewarding apart from the PND and the teen years. Thankyou .

[karolinabaker]

Thank you for these words. I sometimes question my worth as a stay at home mom. But it feels absolutely right in the end.

[silife]

I started a Job this year and left it in 3months. A lady at work really loved how I was focused on my kid rather than my Career! She was the only one who appreciated me for leaving my job!! Others were convincing me that my kid will come around and he will adjust to my absence and he will be okay at day care!! Even my dad was highly disappointed when I left job. He said I will regret it later.. its been 6months I see no regret at all!! I'm happy 😊 😃

[loovejewellery]

I can’t thank this lady enough. She totally changed my mind about mothering, 360 change. I thought I’d put my kids in nursery, now they’ll be with me till at least they’re 4-5yrs old.

After becoming a mum, the way society does things just felt intrinsically wrong for me. Having someone else who normally isn’t fully qualified, who doesn’t know my child, who couldn’t care for my child as much as I could, to give my child to them to see their most important milestones, just felt so odd.

Thank you again 🙏🏻

[BR-oo]

I enjoy arc interviews very much but this by far the most important.
My friend and i, both in early 70s were having this conversation just this week. I usually say it is the elelphant in the room, it is the one thing you can not say, that children need mothers and that the situation has got to a critical state because the knowledge of how to be a mother is getting lost.
This was music to my ears and hopefully a sign that a shift might be taking place.
Mothers can save us from this slippery slop that humanity is currently on.
Now that is real work and real power.

[HopeGabrielle]

My mom returned to work when I was one month old. I wasn't in daycare though, I was watched by my grandparents. But I didn't even remember that they watched me. What I do remember is my mom having half Fridays off and sitting in the cart while she takes me shopping. I also remember being very attached and clingy to my mom as a young child, to the point extended relatives would comment on it. And I did deal with a great deal of depression as a teenager and onward, and have attachment issues to this day (39 y/o now)

[sundrops]

Yes, it is about the children and not about you. But my goodness, when you have children the joy you will experience! And so, you and your child can find immense happiness being together! ❤

[lissik.]

Finally!! I hope the time for this message has come!! Most important interview of 2024! Only one footnote: let’s not increase the number of kids in this world, but let’s raise those who do get to be born without stress, good attachment and close to our bodies and hearts. Love from an adoptive mum, stay at home and professionally successful after kids had grown older 😄such a joyful life!! ❤