The Problem With Avoidance Of Loneliness

Dr. K’s Guide to Mental Health explores Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Meditation with 150+ video chapters in a Final Fantasy-inspired skilltree.

#shorts #drk #mentalhealth

[muscacholi]

It becomes easy to compare yourself to others your age, especially if you are older and feel as if you should be further developed. If you are 30 and never had any friends, it's unfair to compare yourself to that guy who's been socializing since he was a kid. It does nothing but make you feel bad and suppresses the real you.

[ryanbarker]

Don’t underestimate the impact of environment. Left an awful remote work Covid job and went back to grad school. Social skills shot through the roof. Sometimes you’re just in the wrong roof for your life goals.

[captnrobvious]

The trick I learned was to embrace loneliness. Seek it out, then it no longer is loneliness, it has become solitude. I stopped expecting people to come to me and just embraced the time I had to myself, because my previous living situations all had multiple roommates who all just the fucking worst except for my first apartment where I lived completely and totally alone. My fiance at the time refused to move in with me, my friends or family never contacted or visited me. I didn't even have a potted plant to keep company. I was miserable either way until I moved into an efficiency unit someone converted from their house's breezeway and garage. I was never more at peace than when I lived there.
Solitude is a gift. Loneliness is a curse.

[KaneLivesAgain]

I use to be really shy and lonely. Now I've accepted myself and don't really care what people think about me. Oddly enough, I find my people and friends this way and I'm true to myself.

[jcnot]

Be mindful of nonverbal cues. I noticed I tend to carry a frown when out in public (urban scowl or rbf). As soon as I became aware of that and relaxed my face/body, people started treating me so much better. Felt like lowering the difficulty in a video game lol

[Datenshi-Beats]

Yes that basically how mostly overcame my social anxiety. Putting myself out there regardless of the outcome and indeed I've every time come back stronger and with less and less anxiety because everything becomes predictable to my brain.

[Onebadterran]

The fuel you use to motivate yourself matters

[Delrin]

I just isolate myself and binge Dr. K's videos.

[TravisPluss]

My guess is that contentment will motivate socializing with others. When you feel that your needs are met, you will be calm enough to go out and let loose.

Adults in chronic survival mode will never feel interested in being social - but it’s worth working towards.

[cloudrachel]

So true. Every time you put yourself out there you are better than the last. It takes so many awkward moments… but that feeling is a good one. It means you’re learning. Learning what to do instead, learning to be ok with the uncomfort, learning people don’t judge you as much as you think…

[dantepatel]

I have something to say about this. I socialized for the first time in a long time 2 years ago with my best friend's cousin and his girlfriend. He moved down the street from me. I've always felt like I'm a cool guy, but I hadn't socialized too much ever. The little socializing I did was in college and I dropped out after a year.

So we hung out and went bar hopping. It was going great! But at around 9 or 10, they went home and asked us to leave. I actually got mad at them, cuz I wanted to keep drinking and party until 1.

The way I felt about it is that I thought they didn't like me because they were asking me leave. But, what I ended up realizing is that they just don't party like that anymore and they just wanted to go to sleep. I took it personally, but it wasn't anything personal at all. And as we hung out more I started to understand that.

What I've learned from socializing is that more than anything, people just want to relax and chill. The worse thing you can do is make things less chill, anything else doesn't matter at all. People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think they do, and they don't dislike you as much as you think that they do. Socializing is all about learning to relax. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes to relax. Because things don't matter as much as you might think they do. You can just sit there doing nothing and people will still enjoy your company.

If you want to be more charismatic, you can navigate that as you hang out with people more. Because confidence is all about leaning into your strengths, and you learn your social strengths from socializing!

[gregg.]

The video is a bit confusing because the end seems to contradict the rest. I think this might just be bad editing.

[gatorssbm]

Its so extreme that I couldnt have cared less about getting to know people because I thought I was happier by myself then I met my girlfriend and by the 3-4 month mark I got extremely anxious and the true loneliness really sank in. Bonus points I scared em away because I didnt know how avoidance worked yet, even after that mess I improved tenfold once I actually read up on overcoming those negative emotions over the course of months. Its so much more relaxing now not being triggered in either direction of wanting to be in extreme proximity or wanting to run the hell away.

[mordecaiissad]

I have been saying this is my mode of operation in life in general for a good while now. I do things because i know i will feel even worse if i dont.
There is no moving towards something, only choosing how much and the type of pain. It's been like this for years at this point. No amount of exposure seems to really change things. Its still a struggle to get basic things done and basically my only motivation is knowing it will be worse if i dont do it.
Ive been trying but i really dont know how to get out of this.

[TravisPluss]

Read me like a book. I wish I had this insight WAY back. Happy to have it now. Kinda figured it out on my own, but not the way you put it.

[Younggmetro]

Well, humans need each other and need to interact with others in person, if you're lonely you need connection

[KomodoSoup]

Life is like gardening? 😢
That metaphor is so true, harsh and deep

[mrd]

Yep this hits home, when i was on SSRI i didn't get the social enxiety though, it could help some people to take those for a year or two, it will actually fix 50-70% of the social anxiety permanently even once you get off them after a few years, i'm happy i took them for 4 years, as i had extreme social anxiety, now it's been like 6 years since i took the pills, and as i said social anxiety is about 70% lower.

[hrteby]

Maybe it works for friends but it definitely didn't work for dating for me (at least not with dating apps). Being negatively motivated is not very attractive. Just made me seem desperate and made me develop a "grinding mentality" sucking the joy out of everything.

[Rat-King]

And then there's me, I've managed to steadily get worse socially with each friend group I've been in, last friend group was perfect, but I'm a toxic person so it ended poorly, now I'm left alone, and with the evidence that I've only gotten more toxic over time, even while trying to figure what's wrong with me.

I've now just decided that friendships are probably not worth it, I get anxious, my toxicity comes out and I have to go through the process of getting over losing friends, I've that enough times now that I'd rather not experience it again.

Being alone is painful, but at least I'm only hurting myself, if I find friends, it's guaranteed that my toxic nature will end up hurting them, so I'd rather its just me that hurt. Plus I have zero idea how to even make friends anymore, it's like am alien concept to me.