Perfectionism and ADHD | Thriving with Adult ADHD

When you think about ADHD, perfectionism may not be the first thing that comes to mind, but many describe adults with ADHD as being perfectionists.

While wanting to make sure that things are correct is a good thing, it becomes a problem when it causes you to feel enormous stress, anger, or sadness if you think something isn’t quite right or fear someone might criticize you for imperfections. These feelings may affect your relationships, causing you to withdraw from loved ones or lash out at those who try to help.

This presentation will help you better understand why you put an enormous amount of time and energy into trying to be perfect. Learn ways to get unstuck and move forward with confidence.

About the Presenter

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[KarriSimone]

It's like I'm realizing more of my self identification. I literally have a panic when I face this thought that its not going to be perfect 😕 so I literally don't do it. People have told me there is no way I'm a perfectionist because I have ADHD. Thank you for not making me feel like I just don't care but I know I care too much and avoid so I don't disappoint people.

[TheWorldJr]

Dude this is me. That maladaptive perfectionism is holding me back. I'm glad I can clearly hear and see it laid before me. Thank you 🙏🏿

[debbiedebbie]

I got through 28 minutes before a TEMU ad with pictures popped up and I ended up looking at cool products for an hour. Thought it was 20 minutes, but nope. A full hour. 😅

[ragtimegals]

I have ADHD and am a perfectionist. I don’t think I feel the pressure of perfectionism to prove myself to other people, though. My family abused me growing up by constantly putting me down and gaslighting me. They would constantly tell me as a child what a failure I would be in life. I would never have a career, marriage, etc. because I’m just such a horrible person. I feel that my perfectionism comes from me wanting to prove to myself that what they said about me is not true and that I can actually far exceed their low expectations of me. I was always at the top of my class, straight A’s, etc. without ever having to study at all. I learned to read when I was 3, and I don’t know my IQ but my mother was basically a case study for a mental hospital because she had such a crazy high IQ as a child (she also has ADHD). Maybe I am subconsciously people-pleasing but I feel that for me I am trying to beat down those abusive projections hanging over me.

On a lighter note - before I had to do a presentation once in college, I recorded myself doing it so that I could practice and see what id need to improve. This actually really helped because I realized what I was nervous about wasn’t true — I sounded good, I didn’t look awkward, and the information was we presented. This gave me more confidence for the presentation because if I hadn’t seen myself do it already, I would have been insecure about how I looked/sounded and whether my presentation was good. And yes, even though I was at the top of my class and a 4.0 in college, I worried every time I took a test or did a presentation that I would somehow just mess the whole thing up and get a 0. It’s like I had the imposter syndrome about my own intelligence, and I honestly still do. But I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging about having a high IQ which is what everyone things as soon as you bring it up. It actually has made my life a lot harder I think.

[MosaicLotus]

Thank you so much! The tools and information are very helpful for me. I am 52 and got diagnosed only two days ago. This is a journey I can now approach with understanding.
😊

[lindajackson]

I would so come see you, if I lived in that area! Thank you for this, many women suffer in all areas of life in mid life!
We either fail, or overachieve to compensate, there is no middle unless we have a Dr like yourself! Thanks for all the great info.

[maryr]

Those of you who can't listen, I suggest you listen to video while doing a mind numbing task...washing dishes, sorting papers, picking toys or folding laundry. Also a suggestion is to do your online window shopping. I actually need to do something else besides just listen...some folks knit. Keeps their hands busy but mind can just listen. Another thought is to read the transcript by the description BUT the accuracy of transcript is dependent on the ai program which interpreted the speech.

[zeddeka]

It seems there's an overlap with OCPD / OCD in some cases. I wonder if in years to come, we'll find out they're more related than we currently understand.

[brianc]

What if you don't know how to get started during that time you're using focus mate? For me the next time I have to be even more structured and more structured with a usual spiral into just giving up.

[dwayneneckles]

Were they any tips given on dealing with avoidance procrastination as described here at 12:15. The problem was outlined well, but I may have missed it.

[FurtiveSkeptical]

Creativity, present.
Intelligence, present.
Successful? hasn't happened yet....

[pluzgg]

Being born this way haven't been funny, during my college days I got tired of taking the medications so I stopped. And my condition got worst. Which made me start looking for a permanent solution when Dr Iyhere's herbal medical page popped up. I took the dosages and followed the prescriptions. I haven't been this active and better in my life.

[patriciajump]

You selected an old complimentary comment and placed it ahead of my two comments ten minutes ago. You are allowed to do this, I believe? But I hope you consider the validity and relevance of my remarks for future lectures.

[adk]

I was 34 when I was diagnosed. I had moved from New Mexico to Texas. I got a job as a Med/Surg nurse and the hospital required a physical. I found a new PCP and then I was delighted to find out he sat on the board of the hospital where I would be working and he treated his own patients when they were hospitalized and he and I would be working together. Fast forward 3 and a half months and I was back in his office to have him look at a rash. He asked me why I didn't list my ADHD meds on my med list. I laughed and said "You've been working too many hours Doc, I don't have ADHD". He looked at me shocked, and said, "You absolutely have ADHD" He began asking me questions...How often do you lose things? How often are you late? Do you consider yourself forgetful?....he went through a few dozen questions, and then he started me on my journey of healing. All of the things I beat myself up for had a CAUSE. My "depression", which really felt like paralysis, was actually Executive Dysfunction. My procrastination, my disorganization, nights I couldn't get to sleep and mornings I couldn't wake up.... ADHD. Once I really poured myself into getting help, I found out that the tricks I had developed to study, the timers I set to get me on task....these weren't things other people had to do. The blessing in this was when I saw my own daughter silently suffering, I was able to recognize her struggle and get her help immediately. My dad was an amazing doctor. My mom was the best teacher. They never dreamed I had ADHD because I was a straight A student. I was the "good" kid who could entertain myself quietly for hours, and I was the opposite of I loved to learn and I was hyperfocusing on the things that interested me. I also had a huge fear of failure and never wanted to disappoint my parents. Thank you for making this video.

[mareehutchin]

I’m yet to be diagnosed with ADHD but definitely have struggled with perfectionism and procrastination all my life… I often can’t get the assignments perfect so don’t hand them and drop out of the course…

[helly_bell]

This was useful. I would never have called myself a perfectionist but once again - because I didn't understand what it really meant. One thing I didn't agree with was the advice to 'eat the frog'. I just listened to another ADDITUDE webinar where the speaker categorically said that 'eat the frog' does not work for people with ADHD. It certainly doesn't for me. Trying to tackle the biggest job first is usually too big a hurdle to get over which means nothing gets done. Far better to break everything down, do small things, and tackle the bigger thing when I've built some momentum.

[Shifterfire]

Aa someone with ADHD, if you have ADHD and struggle it with starting (task initiation)...

NEVER eat the frog (first) !!!

Start with something easy and as you get into the flow start tackling your harder tasks. (but don't save them for the end obviously)

[r-pupz]

I was diagnosed age 39. I was a junior doctor but had repeated episodes of depression and very severe imposter syndrome. I was constantly anxious and exhausted. No one spotted my adhd, this was a decade ago so it just wasn't on anyone's radar, especially in an adult woman.

I internalised it as my own failures and weaknesses. I barely made it through medical school and felt like I wasn't good enough. Eventually I completely decompensated and left medicine after my partner died, and spiralled into drug addiction.

I'm now in recovery from drugs and am on medication for ADHD. The diagnosis changed my life, and I am working to reframe my negative thiughts such as blaming myself for my "failures", and I realise that ADHD burnout due to my perfectionism and intense masking was the cause of my depression and burnout while working as doctor.

I am nervous about getting my life back on track in a new career (I want to work in public health and health education) as my perfectionism is still an issue, and it has led to paralysis and stagnation for years now. I am so scared that I will fail, and I can't break down the steps I will need to take to achieve my dreams. After starting medication, it actually got worse as for thr first time in years, I felt like I could potentially achieve my goals. That was terrifying.. so I have been avoiding it.

I do the same with social interactions, im terrified of being a bad friend like I was when I was undiagnosed (I know this is a harsh assessment but it's how I feel, I would constantly drop off the map, or overpromise the let people down.)

I "solved" this by not even trying to have social interactions or friendships for many yeats. I am keen to change this as I am very lonely and really miss my friends, but my perfectionism and past "failures" have led to extreme avoidance and paralysis.

I've never watched a video that spoke to me as much as this did! Thank you so much, I understand myself a bit better now, which is a big step towards self compassion and meaningful change.

[nicolenicole]

Right now, I’m trying to do two small projects that have to do with using my phone but instead I’m watching this video on ADHD lol and it’s 12:30 AM

[jonigarciajg]

Eating the frog first doesn't work for many with ADHD, because we just don't do anything. For many of us it's more effective to do the simple things or the things were more interested in so that we build momentum