The BALANCE of ATTRACTION: what it is and why it matters

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The balance of attraction is a concept I developed to help explain certain emotional dynamics in romantic relationships. It's based on a fundamental axiom, which is: no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. One of the most important corollaries of this axiom is that, in any relationship, one person will like the other more and one person will like the other less. Who occupies which position can change from day-to-day, or even moment-to-moment, but most relationships are characterized by a fairly stable attraction imbalance. I'll talk more about this in this episode.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and others.

#attraction #relationships #love

[psychacks]

The balance of attraction is a concept I developed to help explain certain emotional dynamics in romantic relationships. It's based on a fundamental axiom, which is: no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. One of the most important corollaries of this axiom is that, in any relationship, one person will like the other more and one person will like the other less. Who occupies which position can change from day-to-day, or even moment-to-moment, but most relationships are characterized by a fairly stable attraction imbalance. I'll talk more about this in this episode.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available on Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and others.

#attraction #relationships #love

[stephanie]

My mother told me that some years my father loved her more, and other years she loved him more. I think the shift may be the most satisfying for both parties as each gets to play adorer and adored if the relationship goes on long enough.

[dustinquinton]

The adored has more power and can walk away easier. Also, the adored can get over the relationship easier.

[renaldsunset]

I’ve been both and I must agree 100% there’s not a ‘’better’’ position there’s only a preferable one. In my case, after many relationships, after years of observation I now decided to be the adored. I am less stressed or tired because I am on the receiving side most of the time. I’m not the one ‘’running after’’ the other trying to impress her. One major downside is that I don’t feel the burning passion for her, so it almost feels less powerful. But I am learning to enjoy the gestures from my lover, the daily cute messages, the gifts the compliments etc.. while I still give but simply less

[doug]

We can each adore different things about each other, and in different ways. Men adore women because of their looks, disposition, etc. Women can adore men for their strength, leadership, commitment, etc. Both can occur simultaneously, and I submit they SHOULD occur simultaneously. If men and women were exactly the same, then the adorer/adored is simple...one will fall into one role, and visa versa; it's fixed. But if each adores differently, and each is adored differently, this leads to a balance of power, so to speak. When an unbalance happens, trouble is ahead.

[thomaskatt]

After several years of RP content this is a new and refreshing take on things ! And there are ramifications for the intergender dynamics. So depending on which sex is the adorer/adored, one must accept the realities of their role. There are both pluses and minuses in each. So a women who is adored may have security but cannot have ultimate lust for their partner because by definition he is not her hypergamous 'best'. Else he wouldnt be 'adoring' her. I can run with this for ages but you get the idea. (edit) and since males and females have different reproductive strategies (females only want top males, males want unlimited breeding opportunity) this can become quite a big excel sheet of possible behaviors !

[HansGruber_]

Great simple breakdown. I have struggled with this phenomenon plenty through my life....as being the adored you are constantly feeling like you are missing something no matter what the other person does and it becomes frustrating for both parties involved. Whereas, the adorer feels like they are constantly having to prove themselves and ultimately feel insecure and must routinely fight that feeling. I do agree with the doctor as he said in a previous video that it is more tolerable for the man to be the adored...I feel this is true because a man is less inclined to just walk away like a woman. However, both scenarios I find are quite challenging.

[lurker-mqfp]

This should be taught in schools in a social science/PSE subject. It may fly over the head of raging teenage hormones, but the idea needs to be planted about where you stand in a relationship.

[pinchebruha]

I can’t be with someone I I don’t adore or can’t respect, I’m the adorer because I choose who I will give my time too, I’ve got to be smitten with the whole package!

[CrossCory]

Two people can be attracted to each other equally and the same amount, just not at the same time and/or not in the same ways. Now, you can pray to have your cake and eat it to with someone and it’ll be divinely ordered in a way where it aligns. You’ll get the hot sun and a cool ocean with breeze. You’ll get the joy and the pain equally. Everything in nature is balanced, same with us all. It is through strengthening our faith that unbounds our limits and potentials.

[stevepoythress]

Thank you Dr - looking forward to your future discussion on this, would you be willing to share a couple thoughts on how the adored/adorer dynamic relates to codependent/narcissistic behaviors present in relationships? Or, how others weaponize giving/taking adoration in their relationships?

[PiscesRising]

This is lighting up my brain in major ways. I’m usually the adorer. I get bored and annoyed when adored. But I’m also so tired of that life. So. Tired. In my current relationship we are both typically adorers. He is very adamant that he too, is tired. He says (like me) he wants to know what it’s like to be the adored. I keep pushing him away. He doesn’t feel comfortable being adored despite saying he wants it. I don’t know how to balance this out better so we can both be happy.

[HeidiHoward-gq]

You are spot on with all of your concepts. One of my favorite advisors. Thank you for what you do.

[matthewvidal]

Saving my life over here thank u sir! Truly high quality content

[reemabakshi]

This is excellent content! You are a genius, keep going

[juboo]

I prefer to be the adorer. The role gives me freedom to dream, inspiration to pursue things.
It comes with the side-effects of fear of losing others and challenging self-esteem. However I prefer this role much over the other one, since the other role lacks inspiration and only comes with the feelings of guilt. I prefer feeling anxious over feeling guilty.

[abdula]

Wait. This is has been common sense to me all of my life. I’ve even told friends about this along with it there not being such thing as an unconditional love. But why’s every in comments section seem soo….shocked or surprised?

[rayuk]

This video and another one you did on this subject has helped me no end. It’s really helped my contextualise a relationship I have with someone

[purplebear]

I’m the adored I love being the adored in the relationship and my partner loves to adore me 🥰 we are happy in these roles

[RobertRod]

In my relatioinship, I'm the adorer. It works just fine.