It's better for WOMEN to be ADORERS: understanding the balance of attraction

Buy my book, "The Value of Others"

In my model on the balance of attraction, I note that -- since it isn't possible for two people to like each other exactly the same amount -- one person (the adorer) must like the other person more, and one person (the adored) must like the other person less. While these two positions are gender neutral, I make the argument in this episode that it is actually better for women to be in the position of the adorer. This is due to the fact that adorers experience the lion's share of emotionality in a relationship, and women tend to mate and date up (suggesting that they actually want to look up to a man).

Social Media

Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Book a paid consultation:

Sponsor an episode:

#attraction #women #relationship

[psychacks]

In my model on the balance of attraction, I note that -- since it isn't possible for two people to like each other exactly the same amount -- one person (the adorer) must like the other person more, and one person (the adored) must like the other person less. While these two positions are gender neutral, I make the argument in this episode that it is actually better for women to be in the position of the adorer. This is due to the fact that adorers experience the lion's share of emotionality in a relationship, and women tend to mate and date up (suggesting that they actually want to look up to a man).

Social Media


Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Book a paid consultation:

Sponsor an episode:

#attraction #women #relationship

[forddreamsdofly]

RIP Patrice O’Neal. He said this 20 years ago and everyone thought he was insane. His psychology on relationships was ahead of its time.

[Leoo]

It's super easy as a man to attract a woman when you aren't truly interested in her, because you don't care what she does, so you're being more of your usual masculine self, so you effortlessly give her enough room for her feelings to grow.

When a man is truly interested in a woman, or adores her, he has to actually exercise some self-control and self-respect, because he tends to treat the one he wants a little differently than the others by reaching out too often and by other little things when interacting with her. This causes her to lose attraction and it gets in the way of the growth of her romantic feelings, because he essentially acts more feminine than her. This is why it seems to us men that the ones we like don't like us, but the ones we don't like always like us. Its due to our behavior. So with a little self-control and self-respect and being conscious of vetting the woman and seeing if she is good for us and treating her the same as we would any other woman, we can indeed have the woman we adore while also being adored by her. It's possible. Adoration doesn't equal pedestalization. It just has us acting less than our authentic selves sometimes without realizing it if we are not careful.

[voiceofexperience]

The opposite of love is not hate; the opposite to love is indifference.

[Dub]

Rock solid relationship advice. As a man raised in a modern western society, you don’t realize how difficult it is to let a woman adore you. You always feel the need to be the one to adore because that’s what you are taught. And modern women are starving to be with a man they can adore as opposed to be the princess all the time

[IrinaZhygalyk]

As a woman, I definitely enjoy being an adorer more than being an adored. I do think it makes sense.

[unicron]

As clichéd as it sounds, this is why men must work on themselves - they need to become an object of admiration. However, the difficulty with this is that now with women acing education and getting high flying careers it's become harder than ever for men to become something worthy of being adored.

[havenbastion]

Whoever cares less has the power in the relationship.

[themick]

I remember when I met my wife 43 years ago how she looked up to me, I wasn't really into her, but gave her a chance anyway, after getting to know her an realizing how smart, honest, and feminine she was, I knew we could work together, I knew after my first marriage that I needed a woman that I could walk away from if I had too. But she has never given me a reason to, we both know our places and it's worked well for both of us.

[matthewpetto]

The adored/adored dynamic is fluid in healthy relationships

[varsedo]

This is revolutionary. This is the alpha dynamic explained in the simplest way. You literally pinned it down to ‘you either do this to keep the woman you want or do this to lose her’. Thank you for this.

[oncheugbabe]

I agree with this about 92%. The remaining 8% would have been added if the speaker had acknowledged that balance is key with this. In reality we are better switching between adorer and adoree in cycles that depend largely on our maturity in life.

[TheSpecialJ]

The happiest relationships I've seen are where both adore each other, and the woman adores the man just a bit more.

[jtoddherbst]

Having lived for 5 decades and all kinds of relationship issues, the topic of Hypergamy is one of the key things I see causing male/female problems. Thanks Doc for helping us understand this better.

[idlehourlinda]

Yes, it feels good if a man is in love with us, but it feels incredible to feel deeply, passionately, crazy in love ourselves. That high is truly the state that we're looking for, and if a man can inspire this in us we'll move heaven and earth to sustain the relationship.

[markaurelius]

This makes sense. Something he left out is the male need to be admired. I didn't realise how important that is until a few years into my marriage when that seemed to be absent.

[joeyluckow]

“How to be the adored when at heart you’re the adorer” would be an amazing video. I struggle with finding the balance between being “too nice” and “too cold”

[edward]

Another reason this dynamic works better (something you've discussed in previous videos): men are innately more dutiful. If the adored is not dutiful, you have a recipe for disaster.

[chadesteban]

Agreed 100%. This aligns with my own life experience. Man who is adored can have a relationship with an adoring woman as long as he wishes to. Women who are adored are usually bored, treat the man as less valuable than her, do not fully respect the man, and will either leave or cheat. Latter scenario is a bad deal for the man. Sacrifice of being the adored is worth it. You are bang on, sir.

[christopherlarsen]

Profound. This dichotomy appears to suggest that in mate selection, a man is better advised to couple with a woman slightly below the man's status (social, economic, charisma). He thereby surrenders the pursuit of the "super-model sex object" that he would adore. Challenging.

Your message resonates well with Aly Drummond's (RealFemSapien) insistence that most women do not get the man they want. Instead, they accept the adored status in a relationship.