Boundaries Vs Controlling | Healthy Boundaries

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About Me:
Personal Experience:
I grew up in an addicted family. In fact, it would be way easier for me to tell you who wasn't addicted versus who was addicted. Seriously, I have absolutely no memories of my grandmother without a glass of vodka in her hand. My mother died due to her addiction to methamphetamines. I've had countless addicted step-parents, and my older sister has struggled with serious (life-destroying) addiction for as long as I can remember.

All that being said, I always felt I had a great and loving family. My sister and I spent every summer swimming in my grandmother's pool. (the grandmother who struggled with alcoholism). We called her Mimi, and she was great. My mom was attractive and very creative, not to mention lots of fun!
Growing up like this gives me a unique perspective on addiction. I can know that someone is struggling with addiction but still see their wonderful qualities.

Professional qualifications:
After graduating from counselor school in 2004, I worked in a private psychiatric hospital for 10 years. This facility provided acute care (short term) for serious mental health and Substance Use Disorders. I learned a LOT from my experience working in a psychiatric hospital.

I got to see and treat almost every type of mental health and addiction issue you can think of, but it felt like a revolving door. I'd see the same people come in over and over and their families were absolutely desperate for help.

Unfortunately, the system isn't set up to help families in general. Knowing what it's like to live with addiction, I was all the more frustrated.

All this led to me deciding to leave the hospital and start my own addiction treatment center, specializing in addicted family systems.

Over the years, I had developed lots of good relationships with other clinicians, and I knew who was the best! I put together a superstar team, and we now run out own outpatient addiction treatment practice called Hope For Families Recovery Center.

We've worked very hard not to tie ourselves to the "big system." We don't work for the insurance companies. We don't work for a hospital system, We don't answer to anyone except our clients, their families, and the licensing boards that provide us with our professional license. We have all Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)-(which is mental health counselors) and also Licensed Addiction Counselors (LAC).

Our YouTube channel is our way of trying to help as many people as possible find the answers they need to beat addiction. We spend a ton of time and money, creating these resources and support that you find them valuable and will share them with anyone else you know who may need them. The educational library of addiction resources on our YouTube channel is completely free of charge and are readily available to any person or family who needs them. So please consider subscribing if you haven't already.

You can help us in our mission to get the right information to everyone who needs it by sharing these family recovery resources.

We know that not everyone can access our treatment services, but we do offer consultations and coaching sessions to individuals and families all over the country.

[winonadavies]

Hmmm. Ours was "We don't like the chaos. No, you can't live here." And for 2 years now with our homeless addicted child we've just stuck to "No." We don't say "if you...you can come home." We just keep saying "No." And now they are in treatment.

[tinkershell]

My boundaries were zero because I grew up feeling boundaries = punishment. This is tremendously helpful! ❤️

[carolinatravaglia]

I've been trying to deal with my mothers alcohol addiction, I told my parents that "If i see that nothing is changing, I will leave". I sounds like an ultimato, but I need to create my own boundaries and set me free from this situation. I'm doing my part and trying, helping her. But the reality is, she doens't really want to change... I can't stay trapped in this nightmare forever...

[M-xlz]

This is one of the most helpful videos about boundary language I’ve ever come across. Prior to watching this, I couldn’t tell how to “set a boundary”without making it sound like an ultimatum. I’d use the “If you…” That is when I could actually muster up the courage to set a boundary. I just recently discovered that I have anxious attachment traits, which makes setting boundaries difficult. This is so helpful! I wish I could like it more than once. Thank you, thank you!!

[LisaNEdwards]

Watching these helps me in ALL my relationships, you explain so clearly xxx Thank you as always

[rockerm]

This showed up in my suggested videos while I was going through a rough time dealing with my daughter's addictions. Thank you for this

[luanafeliberti]

Thank You for these videos! Dealing with my BF which he’s very sensitive & emotional now from loosing his mother. He lost both parents. He relapsed twice & I’m Giving him words of encouragement to Fight through the Storm because I’m his Guiding Light. 🙏🏽

[taylernoelle]

I love how you differentiate ultimatums vs boundaries. really helpful! Like someone else commented, this is great to use in all relationships!

[barbaracoleman]

Thank you for your lessons. I am struggling as a grandmother with this issue. My daughter has three children and she and her husband are alcoholics.We live close to them so we can help them with the kids. We have to pay attention that we’re not enabling really are just there to help support the children. Hard to balance!

[luanagiese]

I've been with an addict for about 5 years now. There were good times and bad times along the way and so it wasn't really dealt with. Because of the pandemic things definitely took a turn to the worst and at times I feel like I'm alone in the relationship, like I was feeling right now. I've just searched "how to leave a depressed addict" and I found you. Thank God! Once again I have hope that my loved one can heal and that I can heal with him. Addiction is a bitch!

[Usepen]

Your videos are truly light in the darkness. Thank you!

[demaji]

I just want my daughters father to get better. I love him and want our family to work but he’s spiralling and I have to take ownership for enabling him. I never wanted him to feel alone with no support. I never set boundaries tried to be 100% understanding. As hard as it is to accept he is not a father or partner anymore, he has changed so much and I feel responsible for allowing this behaviour. Ive told him to get help for his addiction and when he does he can be a father again. I’ve taken a barrage of abuse from him, really hurtful vile words. He hates my guts, It breaks my heart I want to be with him but nothing ever changes. I don’t want to detach but I feel I’ve no other choice

[melissad.]

I LOVE this! Sounds like its really going to help me let go of them and get a hold of myself. Get my own power back AND validates my own thoughts a d feelings, rebuild my confidence in my own ability to think and feel.

[megcarter]

Great information. I once drew up contract, signed by alcoholic spouse, "no drinking in the house", he'd just disappear a few days, and say, 'well, i didn't drink in the house, that's what you wanted, right?" Smh.

[lifelovejourney]

Amber - you have helped me so much and the addict went to treatment last Friday.

[tsilsby]

Thank you. Even when you can think it through logically, it's still scary to say the words.

[lynettepettitt]

My SIL & my brother had a fight, my SIL left & refused to come home, the next day she TOLD my brother to move out (she TOLD him to move in with me!), along with a list of grievances HE was required to address before being allowed to move back in. Of course he refused to move out.... She was all about ultimatums, and six months later is only just realizing my brother won't be controlled... The stupid thing is many of her issues with him are legitimate, but her approach is counterproductive & her choices made her life harder than it needed to be.

[darcyturnbo]

So helpful to hear this advice to help deal with this clearly. Not out of emotion and fear.

[dvora_elyashar]

the most difficult it's when the addicted love ask how much money you can give me?

[Elizabelle]

Thank you so much. This was the clear advice and examples I was looking for. So appreciated. Thank you.