Betrayal: The Loss No One Is Talking About | Holli Kenley, LMFT | TEDxMountRubidoux

When we think of betrayal, we typically view it as a loss of trust. Because it is a loss issue, grief approaches are utilized in addressing it. But, is this the most effective approach? Based on original research and her experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Holli Kenley widens the lens on betrayal – viewing it as a loss of self, and she identifies three States of Being

[maryeyth]

Thank you! I really appreciate this talk. My husband/partner of 25 years discarded me three months ago. I stood by him through cancer and chemo all last year. I’m having physical issues now and he’s gone. 😢 I will try to put these suggestions to work, even at age 74, will not give up.

[danidynamite]

The three states of being after a betrayal (confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness) is so entirely spot on. My ex and I were together for 10 years and for 8 of those 10 years I'd ask him if he was happy or tell him he could always turn to me if he wasn't and he'd say he was incredibly happy. Then he started pulling away, not making time for me, hiding other women friends from me, emotionally cheating with them while refusing to acknowledge it as such when I didn't even know they existed but he could complain about me to them, stonewalling and breadcrumbing me, etc. Suddenly he was telling me he was never happy with me and he wasn't giving up any of these women even after they lashed out at me and in fact he cared more about protecting them than me. And I've focused a lot on his betrayal but honestly, I betrayed myself too. I betrayed myself when I chose to believe his lies that everything was ok and it was just my trauma blinding me when I knew the truth. I betrayed myself when I gave him chance after chance after chance to stop hurting me when he kept hurting me more and more. I betrayed myself when I denied my own intuition. I betrayed myself when I begged him to stop hurting me knowing he'd just hurt me more instead of ending it sooner. Finally I stopped betraying myself and walked away, but the confusion, worthlessness, and hopelessness were consuming me. I didn't understand how he could change so much or even know how much of it was him changing and how much of it was who he was all along that I didn't wanna accept or see. It confused me that this was how this person I had loved so deeply felt I deserved to be treated, and since I was basing my self worth at the time on how he treated me it made me feel utterly worthless. I blamed myself that I must've changed him; after all, he was blaming me so why shouldn't I? And I felt powerless in it all. The one thing I wanted, us back the way we were, was out of my hands. My two choices were stay and continue to be emotionally abused and cheated on, lied to, stonewalled breadcrumbed, and neglected or walk away. But even walking away didn't feel like reclaiming my power because I couldn't stop trying to fix the confusion. I couldn't stop wondering why I wasn't enough. I couldn't stop wondering what he was up to. And it really came down to basing my worth on him and blaming myself for his actions. And it took realizing he's damaged in ways that have nothing to do with me and that it's not a reflection on my worth to start to let go of that. But I still had to accept the ways I betrayed myself and the low self worth that caused me to do that. I had to start doing inner child work to tackle the programming I received from my family as a kid that had me believing I needed external validation and that I didn't inherently deserve it. And I'm not where I need to be yet but I'm slowly but surely healing... learning and believing that I deserve better, learning and believing that my worth is there and it comes from me alone and nobody else can take from it or define it, learning and believing that the only person whose thoughts or actions I'm responsible for is me. And none of this stops anyone else from betraying me in the future, but hopefully it stops me from betraying myself if they do.

[mrnice]

I lost my partner after 22 years to betrayal and infidelity, I couldn't believe how much this person I thought I knew and loved was changing right before my eyes, I now understand this was simply her revealing her true self. I came from a really abusive family and my sister committed suicide when I was 16. I thought I'd never get over this betrayal and then I had the most amazing, self fulfilling, self affirming 4 years of my life
This stopped me going on to kill myself and now, now I understand that all that love I was trying to spend on others, I need to spend on myself. One day I will choose to spend it again on another. Till then it's the me show.

[inetlebo]

"let go of things you cannot change"
"With betrayal, time does not heal, but what you choose to do with your time makes healing possible"
May we all heal from the betrayal we encounter in our lives 🙌

[vivdoolan]

Trying to make sense of something that didnt make sense was destroying me. When I let go, then I was able to heal. A fantastic explanation of betrayal.

[matthewlucas]

I am 2 months out from the biggest betrayal of my life up to this point. I've been feeling like my life is upside down. I had no idea these people could possibly hurt me this bad and not feel anything about it. It's made it very difficult to look at anyone with trust.

[arianbyw]

Betrayal is never a mistake, it's always a choice

[_negentropy_]

“I ceased trying to make sense of something that did not make sense.” Thank you so much for this. I’ve been searching for accurate language to frame and label my situation. There is grief too. A loss of someone besides myself…but separating the grief from the betrayal feels like an important turning point. Much gratitude. 🙏

[brennanleyen]

THANK YOU. Grief work hasn’t worked for me to help me through my husband’s betrayal of our marriage. I’ve been stuck for over 2 years. This has vindicated my “selfish” behavior of putting my needs first to right my own boat. I have healed some but this gives me the reminder to keep on going and not let my husband’s choices destroy me and our children. Out of 1000+ videos I’ve watched and almost 2 years in individual counseling and one year in marital counseling… THIS. This is the best way to look at this experience. Thanks again.

[nanis-b]

Realizing finally that betrayal was never about me, my worth or value…doesn’t mean you don’t grieve the loss of what you thought you had.

[creativesolutions]

Thank you❤️… And thank you for not mentioning forgiveness, I’m so tired of that.

[aletheaespino]

"Grief work may fall short of addressing the most important loss in betrayal - the loss of self." WOW! Thank you for bringing this truth to us, Holli. It will be my compass when I am in a sea of turbulent waters. 🙏

[uuizxhq]

While watching this, my tears kept rolling down. Betrayal after 23 years of marriage brings devastation and immense pain to my soul. I needed answers to get out of the betrayal trauma. My husband never empathized nor comforted me when I break down countless times. You are right to say that the betrayer usually goes on in life as if nothing has happened before . I am always confused, angry and grieving what I have lost. Your sharing helps me refocused on what I need to do now-to right myself, and to get up from being capsized. Thank you so much for your pointers. Now I save this video to rewatch it over and over again as a reminder .

[VictorVolkman]

Congratulations Holli, you are exposing this hidden trauma to the light of day and millions will benefit.

[agnesn]

This struck a cord! I am still healing from betrayals_ siblings. The pain is enormous!! But I am learning to love and take care of myself first!

[janeepstein]

"In order to begin healing from betrayal, we must turn inward. It is our work to understand ourselves, our work to make sense of our choices." I loved this talk because I understand the grief process well, but being wronged and betrayed has always confused me and made me feel stuck. This talk puts a whole new lens on things. Thank you.

[meh_lady]

While I didn’t realize this was what I was doing, it’s exactly what I’m doing to unravel betrayal. I was so hung up on how unfair it was to have to work so hard to heal from someone else’s terrible actions. While I continue battling the “it’s not fair” monster, I’ve learned a heck of a lot about myself through therapy and journaling and am a better version of myself. It’s made me even more aware about protecting the hearts of my loved ones and even strangers because I know how it feels to hurt so deeply. I had to find the lesson in this to not feel so rudderless, there had to be a reason to keep going. Betrayal could have easily turned me into a cold, bitter person but I nor my loved ones deserved that. At the end of the day what matters is that I was there for myself and others, at peace that my day was full of integrity and love.

Something that helped me a lot that may be useful to another hurt soul is that I wrote letters to each emotion as if they were people. I wrote to pain, anxiety, hopelessness, love, anger, worthlessness, peace, gratitude, happiness, loss, sadness, and everything in between. It really got to the heart of how they connect. Betrayal is a huge wad of string that you have to twist and pull and flip to untangle.

Holli is spot on that you have to make this all about you. Make your boundaries clear, know what your loved ones‘ boundaries are and respect them, ask for space when you need it (and don’t feel guilty!), and give yourself grace. Think often about what you’d say to a friend and say it to yourself. This is HARD and the only way to get to the other side is right through the middle. Those that truly love you will stand back with support at the ready and appreciate what you’re doing for the person they care so deeply for.

You’re important, don’t ever forget that. When it comes down to brass tacks, you’re all you’ve got and I’ve learned that can be a wonderful thing. Best wishes to all the broken hearts out there. You are stronger than you think you are, but I sure wish your strength hadn’t been tested. ❤

[lindarobish]

This talk made my day by validating my feelings and experiences SO MUCH. Those who betrayed me are angry AT ME for seeing through them and calling them out on it. I’m the odd one out. Painful, compounded.

[mickeysammy]

Your talk is an answer to my prayers in helping me to heal from the betrayal of my 46 marriage to a narcissistic/ psychopathic man that no one sees. Mr. Nice guy alienated my grown children, 2 churches, and most of my family and friends from me. I have lost everyone and everything. I have been absolutely devastated for the past 2 years.

I feel foolish that I didn't see the red flags or his manipulations. Yes, I've been working through grief, but it was not healing. As l've leaned upon God, I see the healing as you have described so eloquently. Thank you.

I still struggle daily, but I am slowly moving forward. Again, thank you-
Your message is spot on!

[normanarmstrong]

Profound identification with this and the strategy for righting yourself is powerful. Not sure I have the energy though. A lifetime of work trashed, picked myself up hundreds of times, keep getting kicked down, getting tired.