60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 1/33 - Perfectionism

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Where does perfectionism come from? What are the characteristics of perfectionism? How does one grow and change in this area?

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[JohnSmith-pcyf]

I pulled out a paper to take notes in the first 2 minutes, thinking “this one itself isn’t too relatable”. Made a slightly crooked line on it and had to immediately throw it away until the line drawn was correctly straight… then realized what just happened.

[chloewhite]

My therapist gave me a line one day a couple of years ago that helped me manage my perfectionism a lot: They told me, “There’s a large difference between the best you can do and the best you can do today.” Some days you wake up with hours of sleep, hard things going on in your life, a lot of things you’re juggling etc. And maybe in a perfect hypothetical world you could reach the standard you envision for yourself, but this isn’t that world. Recognize the forces you’re working through, give yourself grace, and be proud of yourself for realistically doing the best you can do for the day. Hope everyone is having one of the better days :)

[paulh]

I found your videos just about a week ago and have been listening almost non-stop. I am a 56yr old male and have pushed my wife to the brink of leaving me because I'm too "strong" to get help and I have extreme trust issues. I was raised by an extremely religious, abusive mother with severe mental issues. There are times I have been sobbing and then two minutes later almost in a rage, but yet have a huge sense of relief that I've found you. It's as if you've been in my mind my entire life and are explaining to me exactly how I have felt and reacted to issues but never knew why. I knew I wasn't "normal" or react "normal", but that made me beat myself up more and devalue myself with led to more isolation, frustration and anger. I can't wait to dive into more of this. I would suggest one thing. I understand you're a pastor and I respect that but much of the trauma that drove my mom insane and much of the trauma I experienced was due to religion, church, and those in it who I thought I could trust and every one proved otherwise. I also understand that there are churches that aren't necessarily cult like but the religious examples can be triggering for a lot of us with religious trauma. You're absolutely amazing and spot on with everything and you've already given me hope, which I have lost, but maybe not throw in all the Bible examples. Maybe that's just something I need to work on and accept and let go, but right now that's a pretty raw topic. I'm sure others feel the same way and I feel it's not really necessary in this setting. For those of us with "church trauma" and religion trust issues, it can come across as a subtle sales pitch to lure us into religion. But hey, maybe that's just my extreme trust issues coming into play and I know I need to work on that. Can't wait to learn more and I can't begin to thank you enough. I will tell you now, that you have literally, and I mean literally, as crazy thoughts have run through my head, you have saved my life.

[Flowerchile]

8:19 the lump in my throat from hearing this. I feel like a ghost, half dead half alive… searching and yearning for connection but not wanting to open up/wanting to hide.

[maynardskunk]

I'm 2 years sober this week, I just found these videos. Oh my God this guy makes a lot of sense

[annatevesbanzon]

It's hard perfectionism is over compensation since I feel like others can't be dependable.

[caseylabelle]

I introduced my therapist to this a while ago. She uses it all the time now with others. As do I. It’s amazing who gravitates to someone sober for a couple years. I have really been struggling lately with this…it gets exhausting. I mentioned this, in session and she says “well, have you watched Tim Fletchers video on perfectionism?”! I didn’t know this existed. We both laughed and now I am here. This place is an excellent tool for more people than you can possibly know. I hope to start your courses mid January. Thank you for everything. 26 months this Friday 🎉

[matefazekas]

I recommend reading the book “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker to everyone who watches this video. It’s like an encyclopedia for CPTSD survivors!

[manometras]

I never wanted to be better than others. I just wanted to be even, “normal”, not worse than others. That also made me stressed out because it is also not possible or difficult to be “normal” in all important areas of life, and it is often difficult to compare when you work alone on something to be compared by the one(s) who will assess it later.

[World-Sojourner.]

☮️❤️ I’ve been through six therapists and NONE of them are educated in CPTSD. I’ve gotten the most help from people on YouTube. ☮️❤️.

[cherhop]

This brought so much compassion for myself and for a coworker too who irritates me with her perfectionism and need for be ‘great’.

[JustJ-Me]

Tim I wish badly I could have you as my talk- therapist so I can better process through things such as this. I wrote you at least a couple years ago bc what you said then applied and continues to apply. You've given me so much insight through your discussions. I just don't know how to get out of it and it's draining. Thank you for all your efforts.

[josedelapinio]

Thank you for the videos. After 15 years of therapy i found the answers in your videos ♡

[victoriarosario]

Hello Mr. Fletcher, thank you for your series of most helpful teachings. When I read (minute 5:41) "b) What perfectionism actually is: Pursuing validation, Longing for acceptance, Paralysed by fear, Self-critical" - I thought to myself, "check, check, check, and check". The one that hit me the most and makes me cry is, "paralyzed by fear". I get stuck in it. And my home especially reflects that. I've been saying the Serenity Prayer in my head a lot lately. And what was a little bit of a "game changer" for me, was when I added the word, "today", to the end of each phrase:
GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, today
the courage to change the things I can, today
and the wisdom to know the difference, today.


It's like, "just for today, Vick. Just today. Just a little bit." I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. May my faith grow so much stronger than that fear of "not being enough". The bullies shouldn't matter. I don't matter to them.
Thank you.

[karenwallace]

You’ve just described my entire life in one talk 😞
Thank you for putting this in a way that exposes the lies and confronts them with the truth. It pierces deeply, but it also brings me understanding and healing. Thank you Tim 🦋

[binauralfortune]

holy cow!! This guy knows his stuff inside and out. Never met someone who had childhood-PTSD figured out so well. It's like he was looking directly at my inner thoughts and could see me and describe me precisely. I've been trying to understand myself and no amount of therapist on YouTube could quite do it. I'm sold. What's the solution? Is there a course, book, or training?

[svetlanafedorova]

Dear Tim, your teachings are life savior ! God Blessings to you for your outstanding, wonderful, amazing work for humanity!

[joshepherd]

These talks are transformational. The stories from the bible bring everything into perspective for me. Nothing has changed since those times, and so they continue to inspire us to overcome the limitations of the human condition.

[spcwild]

Literally had my first therapy session yesterday and THIS did not come up, why is there a 30 part series on a youtube algorithm that knows me better than a doctor in person?

[scottmartinez]

Thank you so very much. I'm 54 and I feel like a child again watching your series that feel like you are talking directly to me. The tears in my eyes are filled with love shame and gratitude. This is painful to my soul to watch but it's a life experience I'm looking forward to having.