Should I Date a Godly Girl I Do Not Find Attractive?

Ask Pastor John
Episode: 525
Guest: Matt Chandler

[arbretree]

I would never want a guy to date me if he does not find me attractive at all.

[progodspeed]

My girlfriend, and hopefully soon to be spouse, didn’t catch my eyes at first. We spoke many months without a hint of attraction towards each other. But as we became friends, I just fell madly in love with her out of nowhere. And after 7 years of being together, I can’t get over her! I thank God everyday, and I hope to her marry within a few months time if He wills.

[universalkidsfriscoblog]

I like his advice on friendship first. That's what happened to me and my SO. He is shorter than me, so I didn't even consider him a candidate at first. But he was so loving and kind. He was such a good friend. One day, I had the sudden realization I had fallen in love with him. It was crazy. I had become incredibly attracted to him, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We went from him chasing me to me chasing him lol

[leticiamagalhaes]

"Godliness is sexy to godly people" SO TRUEEEE🙏👌💞

[DavidMontgomery]

As a Godly man who's been married for 23 years, and is the father of two daughters, I think this advice is absolutely right. Attraction, in the physical or sexual sense, is so fickle and generally very temporary. Attraction must be fueled by something deeper in order for it to last. To have a partner or spouse who loves the Lord like you do is worth searching for. Don't try to fool yourself into think you're attracted to them. If you're not, you're not. Don't pretend or you'll end up hurting both of you. But give it a chance. Love blooms in more unlikely places than this. Be patient and follow the Lord.

[Vinegarissweet]

That person you are looking or hoping for does NOT have to be a beauty queen or look like a Disney Prince BUT they should be attractive to YOU! Looks are not all that matters but we are human and were created this way for a reason. I hate when Christians try to be over spiritual and complicate things. Ofcourse they should be attractive to YOU! I see plenty of unattractive men and women every day but they dont look the same in my eyes as they do to someone who loves them and is attractive to THEM! I'm sure plenty of people think the same way about my husband and I but we are attracted to each other so who cares. I would never marry someone if I'm not attracted to them. And yes looks do fade. That's when we have a convo about unconditional love but you have to be attracted to the person first. Duh.

[friendofjesus]

The answer to this question is no. And the idea that you're gonna be friends with a girl you don't find attractive and hope that something might develop through friendship is a completely unrealistic expectation. So I don't really like Chandler's answer here. I would say sure, be friends with that person, if that's something you'd like to do. But don't expect anything romantic to come about through friendship. The point is, God is going to bring you together with someone you ARE attracted to physically. The simple fact is being physically attracted to someone is a completely legitimate motivator. There has to be more, spiritually, but it does often start there. And we aren't going to be able to overspiritualize a situation by saying well if shes godly it doesnt matter. No, honestly, it still does matter. You may not like that, but it does.

[raifbarrett]

Godliness is the sexiest quality to be found in a lady.

[lovelyDragon]

I think attraction is very important in someone you want to marry, but i also think that attraction definitely can be found in more than just the physiology. A man in which arms children feel comfortable, a man who can make you laugh your heart out, a man who is not afraid of telling you the truth, a man who stands to his word. That is something. Go and find that in the fitness hall! It's more likely that you will find that kind of a man at sunday in the church listening to what God says to him.

[park]

If God want to pair two of you up, then He'll make this person attractive to you.

[BeautyandtheBritt]

I’m not dating or marrying a man I’m not attracted to. Come on, we have to have eyes inky for this person as long as we both are alive. No, good looks don’t trump godliness but why put ourselves in a position where we have to fight to be attracted to our spouse?

[gardenjoy]

"Just stay in proximity, grow in your friendship and let's hope something grows from there." That sums up his answer. The first two are a good idea, but I'm not sure you must hope something grows from there. Just serve the Lord and have fun. And IF something grows from there: nice. If not: no problem.
But please do NOT date her. She might fall in love with you and when it doesn't work out for you after 3 to 4 dates and you decide to not continue on this dating path, she may have attached to you already and get her feelings hurt big time. Because if she really isn't that beautiful (but beauty IS in the eye of the beholder!), she might not be used to romantic attention and read too much into it.
So always make sure you meet her in groups and not alone. You already like her as a sister in Christ and maybe also as a friend. So enjoy that, without tainting it with something that might never be. If you in this situation find you do not want to be without her anymore, then love has grown.
Personaly, I love my spouse. The person. I loved the body for the person that was in there, that I could reach through the body. But hey, we were best friends first. It just developed from there and we learned to overlook little beauty 'mistakes'. They were futile in comparison to the vast beauty of the soul we saw.
Another thought: some girls are not taught to look well, or even discouraged so they might not become vain. Have you ever seen make-over programmes? That beautiful swan was in there all along, hiding under a bad haircut, lumpy clothes, colors that don't fit her complexion, a wrong understanding of the basics of make-up, and ugly glasses. Such things can be helped and taught well. Maybe some women, who are more mature in taking care of their outer parts, could take her under their wings for a bit, to help the transformation. All women like to feel they are beautiful. And if they feel they are not, all such women do hurt from that on the inside, feeding their insecurity and sometimes resulting in an outward appearance of 'tan'. Getting her the help to escape from that, is a gentle thing to do. Be sure it is anonymous.
If all of the above do not help you fall in love with her, you probably are meant to be someone else's husband.
ALWAYS ask your Heavenly Father to give you the spouse He thinks fits. Just entrust this aspect of your being into His capable care and continue to serve Him. In his time He will make it happen. And if not, not all people marry. But in Him you already live a fulfilling life. The apostle Paul was glad He was single, because in this way he could concentrate on the work God gave him to do. And Paul also advised people to stay single like him, although he didn't forbid marriage. That's quite a different look on things.
If you do not know where in the Bible these things are mentioned, than just read your Bible. Hint: New Testament. If you cannot be bothered to find it through reading, I doubt you are godly enough for any godly girl.

[uzziahplays]

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7

Thank God that I got a husband like Jesus.

[carolinestrotman]

I know that there are many teenagers in the church who agonize over and get scared about this issue... thank you for this message.

[foolishdrunk]

Looks are not everything,
But without looks, there's nothing else

[preston]

As long as she is attractive to me… It would actually be awesome to date a girl that I thought was ridiculously hot yet the rest of the world that was ugly so I never had to worry about guys trying to steal her ha ha. But seriously, beauty is in the eye of the
beholder... Outside of that, I would not recommend dating someone who you are not physically attracted to otherwise. They are going to figure it out, and it will just result in heartache.

[MertLDN]

Marrying a woman you are not attracted to could cause future problems within the marriage, even if they are Godly. Marry a Godly woman that you find attractive my people

[labulldog]

My friends and I did this when we were younger; cultivated plutonic friendships over the years with women who we hoped, would evolve into a romantic situation later. What happened in 98% of these cases was, the women considered us their best friends, “loved us like a brother” and dated other men and eventually married away. Once you’re placed in the so-called “friend zone”, it’s nearly impossible to get out. So I no longer pursue plutonic friendships like this video promotes.

[TheLimitlessLegacy]

This is off tiopic, but i am starting to really get into apologetics, im a christian btw. Does anyone know where I could potentially go to train in this area? I dont really know anything on the subject but thought this might be an alright place to ask about it.

[Ben-fqlj]

I dated a girl I didn’t find attractive at first, and we almost got engaged. So if you think physical attraction isn’t an idolatry, think again. I didn’t find her attractive at first because of outward looks, but my view on attraction I can say has changed. I swore that we weren’t going to go past the first two dates, but once I got to know her I fell in love with her. Unfortunately it didn’t work out and she broke up with me/but in a mutual way of agreeing that there were important reasons that would keep us from pursuing marriage, but it was a good lesson nonetheless for me in learning for my first time dating what biblical romantic love apart from marriage looks like. I get it, it’s scary to date someone who you don’t find attractive physically, I’ve been there a 100% in experience. I almost broke up with her within the first few months because I didn’t want to hurt her by ending it too far in because of doubt.

Love does grow beyond looks, my relationship/experience with her is living proof of that. I was blind to true biblical romantic love because of what my eyes saw rather than looking at the important things.

Having that said I do believe that it’s preferable that you don’t date somebody who your not attracted too, BUT ...also be aware that your attraction may be blind and you might be missing out on someone very special. So don’t not date someone either just because they aren't up to your standards. I get that there is a limit as some attraction is important, but don't be afraid to lower the bar for your expectations/standards.

Now I’m wishing we were still together, because I love her. I wish I didn’t overthink attraction. People can actually change their physical appearance and you can discuss that in a Godly way with your wife/husband in marriage if you’re worried about attraction. Though be sure to guard against it being an idol.