The INFJ Stare

In this video I take a look at the INFJ Stare. What is it? Do INFJs really do it? Watch the video for more info.

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[tahneeleonard]

For me, i definitely stare into peoples eyes while THEY’RE talking, but i find when i’m talking myself, i often look away and off to the side to gather my thoughts and don’t make much eye contact at all.
as an aside, i for sure stare at people i’m not interacting with, like people watching, and constantly ask myself if it’s too much or weird. especially if they look like an interesting person!

[harishaneef]

The INFJ stare is us analyzing people on a deeper level and others seem to pick it up instantly which is why they feel uncomfortable.

[AugustAdvice]

I'm an INFJ and I stare at people without realizing it sometimes because I am taking in their entire being, their energy, everything around me. I was at a bar once and one of my friend's friends said I stared at him and it was "super weird". He said it in a rude way so F that guy, but I think we stare because we are unpacking layers of someone, sometimes without even realizing we're doing it.

[Valentinfj]

Showing dominance through silence suits the INFJ, as opposed to ENTJ.

[ddziegler]

I appreciate eye contact during conversation. When someone does not make eye contact, I wonder about their sincerity or depth or even honesty..

[Candyliz]

I grew up with a narcissistic, mean mother and a violent, alcoholic father. As the oldest of 5 children I had a lot of responsibilities and a lot of blame that should never have been placed on such a young child. My earliest memories are of paying very close attention to my mother's demeanor and my father's physical state - how drunk is he? I also started seeing the pity people felt when they saw me and/or my family and I was ashamed. I became so good at reading people and situations that it became painful for me and I shut that part of me down! This was really bad for me because I still had very strong reactions to other's hurts, injustice, and a strong desire to help but I wasn't recognizing the narcissists and avoiding them - I was attracting them! After several years of self-help, self-evaluation and therapy I've reconnected with that part of me and it's amazing! It's also brought back childhood memories that were buried -- lots of trauma.
So... Nature vs Nurture? Yes - all of the above! But I vividly recall quietly watching my parents to determine who and what I was going to be dealing with. My mother once said that I was the child who would watch others and then decide whether I would join them.

[jkd]

I totally relate to you're gf!  As a female infj,   intense staring, especially at males, can be seen as a sign of romantic interest when that may not be the case, so I'm quite aware of how much eye contact to give.  Also regarding childhood,   I was very outgoing & gregarious (Fe to the max!!)  but many negative social experiences & trauma basically silenced me. It's taken a long time to reduce the amount of self-filtering that I do in order to have close relationships,   especially ones with high Fi users.

[danisa]

I am an Infj. I grew up with a very sensitive personality and I was born into an extremely insensitive family/environment. I internalized a lot and I was mostly quiet and observant of people. I do Psychoanalyse people. I think the infj stare isn’t only deduced to listening to a persons words. I think we pick up on social cues, we see people’s insecurities. For example when someone is insecure about their smile and they find ways to hide that when they’re talking, we pick up on that. We don’t always know how to register it but others definitely feel this on an unconscious level and we do too. Ultimately I think we read people because we’re trying to figure out if people like us or not.

[kimslone]

I think people aren't used to us giving them our full attention, which comes through in eye contact. It's different with us because we're actually paying attention.

[paxshanti]

As for the trauma component, I suspect that true INFJs are *born* with higher sensitivity. So that when there is trauma in the environment — or even simply a lack of proper attachment — we perceive that more deeply than others. And internalize it as something wrong with us. As children will always do, being purely egoic creatures.

My life has been rife with trauma from the start. Which rendered me a very unhealthy and highly codependent INFJ. I’ve only been recovering from this over the past 3 to 5 years or so.

Even my marriage of 21 years was so unhealthy that, as I came to know myself better, and heal myself, my husband took his own life just before Christmas. That is how deep our trauma bond was.

[paxshanti]

What I enjoy about the INFJ “stare” is its micro application. When I interact with someone in passing — walking down the street, a cashier in a store, etc. — I feel like my facility in making eye contact almost always creates a pleasant interaction. Where there otherwise might have been no connection at all. Especially at this weird time, when the person’s eyes are just about all we can see of their face!

[DJoeWood]

I believe that I have survived the intense trauma of my life BECAUSE I am an INFJ and as they say the eyes are the window to the soul.

[presentlybikepacking]

It’s interesting to think of the INFJ stare between genders. I purposefully don’t make eye contact for very long with men, bc I don’t want them to assume anything. I have never had someone tell me I stare at them, but I do when they are talking in general to a group, bc I am reading body language and starting a storyline in my head for that person. However, when I’m one-on-one counseling someone, I definitely intensely listen and watch them (men or women) and have been told many times I’m a good listener. I know being very intensely focused is an INFJ thing, and i finally have embraced it, instead of wondering how to “fix” it. I’m not broken, it’s just what I do.

[jessicathompson-gautreaux]

There's trauma.... and then there's TRAUMA. Big difference, actually. Trauma (TRAUMA) actually changed my "reactions", my habits, my physical health, my coping mechanisms, my trust. I think it's honed me into the true me. I am at the point where I'm finally, reluctantly, a bit thankful for it because (being logical and honest with myself) I know that there was no other way to reach this point. Sigh.

[Cre-qixy]

Regarding trauma, it definitely does change an INFJ's character. As an ENFP I've noticed INFJ's it's important to give them time and space to work through trauma they've gone through, and build a level of trust with them by knowing their values first. They do need encouragement at times to allow them to open up or you may have to become vulnerable before them, resulting in emotions. However, try not to be emotional, instead be emotionally mature with them, to then allow the INFJ to bring down barriers that are around their values. Again it takes time, so you'll need to be patient, then eventually they'll open up and be vulnerable about hurt, pain, trauma they've gone through because they trust you.

[wiz]

I have noticed that when I'm in a conversation, I don't really retain much of the details of what we talked about but instead the vibe/feeling of the conversation. I think I'm too occupied trying to figure out the other person and therefore ending up staring intently which could be a result of the inferior Se

[greeneyedparadox]

Yeah. I get frustrated when people do other things while i am speaking with them. I try not to do other things and focus all my energy on them.

[roughlyspeaking]

Dude. Your content is helping me more than I can say. I know you probably hear this a lot, but it's true. I'm accepting myself in the most genuine way I've ever been able to. And yes, I also look people in the eyes the whole time I'm talking to them. 😂 I think some people are uncomfortable because they know we can see their true nature.

[anneh]

I'm INTJ; we get hammered constantly for supposedly having a "death stare" and "Resting B**** Face". Well, on some photos which I did not know I would be in, I saw it myself, was quite embarrassed, and have made a monumental effort to plaster a smile on whenever people are around. I read in a job manual that eye contact should be about 40% of the time while listening....in the corporate world. You two make great eye contact with the camera and each other, nothing at all to be offended by. My personal belief is that introverted intuitives look at speakers without showing much reaction, which makes them seem like they are paying attention more strongly than others, and the people who take offense at this are hiding something and realize in some way that they can't "hide" from our powers of observation. Always, while looking at the speaker, I am paying close attention to tone-of-voice---it reveals so much! Usually it's the bluffers that take offense at intense eye contact because they KNOW they will be found out. Or they are jealous because they believe they cannot do this themselves (possibly). It's fun when I'm listening to a liar to just stare at them in incredulous start jibberjabbering in word salad, get flummoxed, and walk away! :)

[getusome]

I am INFJ and have been through Trauma. I believe it enhanced my intuition and self awareness. Basically it just magnified my personality that was always there.