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You may not know this, but you probably have an unconscious dating mindset.

We all do. It might be learned from our parents, an early relationship, or any other kind of formative childhood experience, but it affects so much of our behavior when we meet someone we like.

In today’s new video, I’m going to share 3 of the most dangerous dating mindsets to avoid, and one powerful mindset that will let you enjoy the process while naturally attracting the person you really want.

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▼ Chapters ▼

0:00 – 0:19 – Three Types That Struggle in Dating
0:19 – 2:06 – The Skater: Jumping From One Person to the Next
2:06 – 3:01 – The Avoidance of Pain
3:01 – 4:10 – The Sinker: Anxiously Attached
4:10 – 4:51 – First Principles of Getting Commitment
4:51 – 5:30 – No Room Left for Needs
5:30 – 6:13 – The Sideliner: Taking Themselves Out of the Game
6:13 – 7:29 – Archetypes at Different Stages
7:29 – 8:17 – “I’m Done With Dating”
8:17 – 9:12 – Learning to Love the Process
9:12 – 10:15 – Becoming a Swimmer
10:15 – 11:04 – Staying Hopeful
11:04 – 12:08 – Finding More Joy in the Dating Process
12:08 – 13:12 – Focus on Connecting
13:12 – 13:51 – Putting Your Love Life on a Path to Success
13:51 – 15:45 – The Antidote

[awesometwinsmom]

This is some of the best advice I’ve seen. I’ve been all three at different times. I’ve learned to slow the process down by 1st meeting for a walk for coffee or ice cream and hearing the man’s story. Even when there is no connection, I’ve found this approach to be much more satisfying. I don’t feel like I wasted my time as I always learn something new.

[nickus]

Basically entire attachment theory explained: dismissive avoidant, anxious, fearful avoidant.
It is not simple in real life though. Dating nowadays is hard if we want genuine connection with emotionally available people.

[gitanjalibhattacharya]

I have followed your advice for years Matt. And you have helped change me, made me evolve, build my self esteem, all from miles away.
The last decade has been painful, transformational and unpredictable to say the least, in terms of dating. And amidst all that chaos, I kept coming back to your videos. They always gave me the truth, and most importantly, practical solutions to get out of the funk. Years ago, I found you on YouTube, when I was heartbroken, confused, grappling for answers. Years later, I find myself looking in the mirror, and a self assured, powerful, and a secure person looks back at me. I’m better because of you.
I’m so so happy that you’re married to the love of your life. Audrey and you are perfect together. I wish the same kind of understanding, supportive love comes into my life someday.
Loads of love and light from India.
❤️❤️❤️

[kimberlymclees]

Sideliner. I don’t trust myself. Sidelining because I don’t even know how to date after being married for 25 years and entering the dating world in a whole new era. Like being in prison and then released into a world that has moved in light speed into a whole new universe.

[EBThisThat]

Used to be a sinker but now I’m a sideliner. It’s sort of hard to get peoples attention at 44, but I’m willing to put myself out there again this year. Wish me luck.

[nc]

Sinker here 🙋🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ practicing slow dating and getting to know men through building emotional connection, whilst showing up as vulnerable me and having boundaries. Swimming I hope🤞🏽 Previously been on the sidelines and encountered a narcissist 😢

[sherylW]

I’m an introvert and I hate every minute of it. Modern dating is like endless job interviews… it completely takes the beauty out of it. I’d rather stay home than spend the evening in some awkward conversation waiting for the opportunity to end the date

[santiagotoro]

I think I passed through all of these phases, sometimes I'm in the sideline thing, but to be honest I want to be just with someone and that's it, not being with multiple people that drains my energy, I just want to focus in one person and that's it.

[cyou]

This was so brutally truthful and good. I've definitely been a skater & a sinker. Last year, I went on a crazy dating spree (12 people) in one month, just cause I didn't want to go through the proper pain of rejection with someone that I had an insane crush on. And after few months, I developed another crush on someone, and became a sinker again. And ended things quickly, because I didn't feel like he was into me as much as I was into him. I didn't wanted to feel the rejection again. I was constantly worried, when was it gonna end, when was he gonna ghost me or reject me. So I ended it. And I became a skater again.
I also think the issue of being a sinker is that I'm more attracted to the idea of someone, and therefore love the chase, when they don't seem to be that into me.
From now on, I'll feel the pain when it's needed. I'll slow down. I'll strike the cadence.

[unmorcipan]

I'm mostly a sideliner but whenever i find someone i actually like i totally become a sinker...

[dianapop]

“Swimmers stay in the game but they keep moving forward”

This whole video resonates deeply - I realize I oscillate between all 3, and my skating is swiping and swiping on a dating app but not really giving people a chance, until one charismatic narcissist comes along and I go into sinker mode 😂 then when I inevitably get hurt, I get out of the water altogether.

Thank you Matthew for these helpful archetypes, and for the antidote at the end that will actually get me off my butt and back in the water again ❤️ I can’t wait for your book to come out this spring!

[GabbyF]

I was a sinker for someone that was not worth a single tiny little drop of water 😂😂😂

[rickgut]

I got sidelined by a girl, then at the same time I met a woman that was so warm and loving, and communicative. Dropped the lame girl, and have been in a crazy-good and warm-love-filled relationship for 6 weeks with the woman (that happens to be Ukrainian). She’s hot, and so incredibly sweet, and also puts in effort like a real woman. Good luck, and don’t waste time with a person that doesn’t seem to actually want a relationship.

[jamisontanksley]

I didnt expect to be called out like this today 😂😂

[sara_sofia_]

I'm learning to be more patient with the process of getting to know someone new that I really like and let things unfold more slowly.
I find the initial stages of a relationship really stressful, but I am learning to be more at peace with the process and remain detached from the results. Wish me luck!

[Tj-hwql]

Got broken up with yesterday, and have been binge watching your videos. They really help me realise what’s going on. This video has nothing to do with breakups, but you’re videos have become a compfertable space for me. I was in the swimmer state before the relationship and really thought i found my person. Then i kinda turned into a sinker and gave do much for her. I applied for a new job because coming home to my ex was the only motivation to keep doing my shitty job.

[zerofuksgivins]

i went through all 3 of those stages, got sick of that stupid game and stopped playing in 2014, its always a lose/lose situation, its not worth your sanity, focus on yourself

[nickzaffino]

I went exactly from skater to sinker to sideliner over the past few months. I have been stuck on the sidelines for longer than I hoped. This video makes a lot of sense! The solution is certainly easier said than done...

[michaelharbach]

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. You do so much here. I found myself rewinding at certain points because your words gave me ideas that my mind traveled down, so I needed to rewind to get back to your words so I wouldn't miss anything. I love that there is a dating pool, and swimming plays nicely as a term especially given the relation between swimming and a pool. I found that I relate most closely to the Sinker currently, albeit I typically don't warp myself too much to please the other person but rather I warp myself to be better based on how the other person motivates me. It is still growth promoting, but I do have other Sinker characteristics which can be considered negative such as becoming attached/engrossed too quickly and not dating with enough frequency. I love hearing about the other styles even when they don't directly apply to me. I can also see parallels between the other styles and some of the women I've gone on dates with in the past. I've definitely met a Skater before and was surprised to hear that she had a date lined up for literally every day that week, whereas I'm more of a Sinker who is nearly the opposite in terms of dating frequency. I could go on and on about reflections based on your video here. Thanks so much for sharing with us. I'm learning a lot!

[basshunter]

so true, i give too much to people who dont deserve it! thanks for this matt