Mourning the Loss of a Parent You Didn't Get on With

How do you mourn the loss of a parent you didn't get on with? Do you even mourn at all? The parent you are estranged from, who may have abandoned you as a child; may have abused or neglected you; or may have just not shown any interest in you is now dead!

It may be like hearing of the death of a stranger - someone that wasn't in your life. But you will have a reaction beginning with relief and numbness to rage later on. Not for the person your parent was, but for the role they should have played in your life and didn't. This video takes you through the phases and stages of emotional reactions you likely will have if you are to mourn the parent (not the person) you longed for and didn't have.

You won't grieve the loss of a parent who wasn't part of your life, but if you don't mourn the loss of the parenting figure you were deprived of, you will get stuck in the mourning process and it will affect your other relationships. This video speaks to the range of emotions to expect and how to let it out.

[Enchanteralle]

I found out my father passed away early this morning. He was abusive throughout my childhood and the rest of my family left him during my teen years. I stopped talking to him shortly after college so that I can move on with my life since he still sounded like a broken record, not taking any accountability for the abuse. In recent years, he dealt with numerous health problems, financial stress, and poor living condition. He doesn't really have good support from his own family and relatives, and he never really had friends because he would cut people off as he eventually grew distrusting towards them. He passed away alone in a public setting. Despite what happened in the past, I cried several times today. I'm sad and I learned that my feelings come from a place of empathy and forgiveness. I truly wanted him to live a happy and healthy life even though he chose not to. I wanted him to let go of resentment as he used to blame others rather than reflecting on himself. I can't help, but feel incredibly sad when I learned that he died alone with no loved ones around him. It's very hard to deal with these emotions I have now and I keep thinking how life for everyone might be very different if he wasn't the toxic parent that he was.

[missmimi]

My father died yesterday and my emotions are very mixed. I haven't seen him in like 4 years. He rejected me since a child, he pushed me away in so many ways that I stopped trying to get closed. I gave him all I could as a daughter, all the love he never wanted from me, it was free! Most people wanted bom for nos money, all I wanted was his love. But how can you love somebody when he has no love for himself. I forgave him and released him so that he can go in peace. What's done is done.

[kaw]

My mother passed away yesterday and I don't know how to feel. We had been completely estranged for two years but for 5 years before the estrangement, we had been drifting apart. We were so disconnected that every time I went to visit her at her apartment, I felt like I was already talking to a headstone. It sounds strange but now that she's dead, I have this feeling that not much has changed.

[missynomvula]

My mom passed away 21 days ago. We were enstranged for the past 2 years. It started when I finally found my voice at age 57yrs. I am 59 years old now. My mom has always been present but never saw me. At least thats what I felt. The only reason I started to 'matter' to my family, my mom in particular is when I became the most successful of all his kids. At first I enjoyed the new found attention. My opions suddenly mattered but my feelings never did. I became the money bag everyone stayed close to for the benefits. I spoke out 2 years ago, cut all financial support (she wasn't on the street, didn't need my money but wanted it) and as I feared, I became a nothing again. In fact she told me so. I am a jumble of emotions. Where do I start?

[RavenTheValkyrie]

my father and I were estranged. He was a toxic, manipulative and abusive. He died . I dont regret cutting him out of my life. Not at all. I completely agree, I am mourning who he should have been, the role he should have played. I didnt have a Dad that made me feel safe. He was my first bully who got off on emotionally torturing those around him for his sick amusment. I am still sitting here, crying because my siblings and I.... we deserved better! That thought keeps playing over wnd over in my head. It has nothing to do with how much money he made or the house we lived in. I was a kid, I didnt care. It had to do with him abusing us. I am so envious and confused by people who have good fathers. it sounds like a dream. Its so hard when you only get 1 Dad and mine just happened to be a piece of work. I know life is unfair, it still sucks. My siblings and I deserved a really great Dad. Everyone does. I fooled myself in the beginning thinking I didn't have to mourn. I thought if he wasn't worthy of mourning I wouldn't gave to.

[XOXO-mbvh]

I just found out my dad died 2 years ago and no one told me. I had to sleuths around on Facebook cause there's no information otherwise. My knee-jerk reaction is to blame those that didn't call me about it, but deep down maybe I didn't deserve to partake in his life in the end because I stayed away. I don't know, but it still hurts.

[horacebulregard]

My father was an alcoholic and a narcissist. I stopped talking to him in 2015. He died two days before Christmas this year. I feel guilty we could never reconcile, but more than anything I feel so much rage for what a manipulative, abusive, toxic asshole he was. He lived longer than he deserved and my life would have been better without him in it. I am grieving the fact that I didn't have a better dad that I could have a relationship with without him fucking me over and ruining my life.

[lim.]

My biological mother was found dead in her room by my half brother yesterday. My adoptive mother seemed to be heavily concerned about my lack of mourning. My biological father had apparently moved back to the eastern coast over a year ago without my knowledge.

[Capricious_ckgoods]

Thank you.

My youngest (half) brother reached out in a text to let me know my dad has a cancerous tumor on his face that is spreading to his brain and is so weak he may not survive immunotherapy. My reply was, "Thank you for letting me know. " It was all I could muster. We have not had a relationship for over 9 years. I have forgiven him and my step mom for the abuse and the neglect when we were younger. I just cannot be there for them. My brother is going to have to be the one. I.just.can't. I am moving in a different direction as an aging adult. 😔
Thank you for the strength behind this video. It was comforting.

[statostheman]

My mom passes away in march this year. Yet, I didn't feel nothing towards her. Sure, it came some moments I cried, but nothing big at all. Why is that, you may ask? Well, let me tell a story short:

Mom was a manipulative person. Often, she used me as a threat. Later on, she supported incest within the family. Which I condemned. After that, almost ten years estrange, I already cried for her. At least it feels like it. I try to be open minded, letting my memories of her be fully wide open. Even I had some good memories of her, I had worse memories of her.

[mondongazo]

Thank you for this. I’m currently going through this after losing my father and I’m having a hard time making sense of my emotions. Your video was ver helpful.

[brittanyhunter]

I have an enmeshed but estranged (is that possible?) with my parents. My father is terminally ill, and all of those unresolved, repressed emotions have resurfaced. The abandonment, betrayal, scapegoating, being triangulated, being made into a surrogate spouse, waiting for daddy to save me, etc. has made me so angry. I wish someone understood, but all anyone is doing is using the reactions I’ve had against me to support their narrative of me being a “bad” person.

[Ams]

Everything you have just described is EXACTLY what I've been going through since my father (who I was estranged from) passed away in 2021 and nearly 1.5 years later I am still stuck in this rage/devastation cycle. Only from watching your video do I understand why I've been stuck. This explains exactly why I've been going through everything else that I've been going through since he passed away. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

[marmar]

Wow not one of these sentence was uttered from my therapist when my mom died.
If I wasn't so old I'd become a therapist because I've gone to therapy for so many years I have a zero respect for those losers all they want is money and the insurance is just nasty

[robinnix]

I lost my mom 8 months ago. and i am finding it very hard to grieve she was mentally ill for a long time and i could not deal with this on a daily basis I put her in a assisted living where she continued to belittle me tell anyone who would listen I stole her money. . Those hurtful words never go away Iam still searching for a way to move on because no matter what was said or done She was and still is the one who gave me life

[CarlosPack_]

I watched this with curiosity after trying heal so many years later, I wish I knew about this very long time ago. I just want to say you are truly a blessing for helping people for feeling lost or confused. Have a lovely day

[jimmyhinAK]

I am dealing with this now my mother died august 30th of this year and i am dealing with this. The relationship was strained but i totally forgot i was in her will as the executor. It feels like a burden to me but I am doing it because i am about following the rules and meeting obligations.

[navrudeshow]

Thank you so much I’m experiencing this exact thing right now I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to help out people like me

[robertblake]

People have every right to be candid and honest, to express themselves freely. I have known plenty of people for whom the death of a parent-a father or stepfather especially, but frequently a mother-was no tragedy. There is a book "LIberating Losses:When Death Brings Relief". I recall an episode of "Voices in the Family" with Dr. Dan Gottlieb where he noted the death of a parent or spouse could end "years of exhausting caregiving, an abusive relationship"-or both. As Woody Guthrie put it
"So long, it's been good to know you" and a hit song from the 1950s-"Got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now !"

[janegreen]

I never knew love and support from my parents, so I left home at 16. I haven't seen them for decades and we live in different countries. I just learned that my father died. I feel so guilty. I don't hate them. Now I've become delusional thinking about the relationship I could have had. I am confused.