How to talk to someone who is grieving

Caitlin Doughty is an American based mortician and death theorist. She shares her tips for talking to someone who is grieving after the death of a loved one.

[chdreturns]

In case anyone wants to know. Caitlin is also a YouTuber with a channel called Ask A Mortician

[basingstoke]

I lost my Wife around the time that this was posted . We shared thirty two years together . Grief is a little like a Lighthouse, one minute it is full beam, and smacks you right in the face, usually when least expected . Other times, you think you are coping, but that bright light of grief soon comes around again . No matter how long that lighthouse continues to turn , the pain of remembering will never go away .

[smOVERCOMINGITALL]

I actually hate when people would say I’m so sorry. I lost my brother at 15, he was 19, and before I could even make sense of what happened people were coming to me with their grief instead of helping me with mine. At 15 that’s a really hard thing to deal with after a sudden death so close to your immediate family. The best thing anyone did was my moms work friends. They came over and brought SOOO much food and just allowed us all to laugh and share memories and photos without it being a sobbing mess. We had way too much chicken after that lol, but it was a nice change to just be able to celebrate the person he was.

[MsBettyRubble]

Another bizarre comment often said to a parent is "no parent should have to bury their child." Two of my siblings died in 2017 and that comment was said to my father often. How can anyone think saying that to a grieving parent is in any way helpful or a comfort? They just say what they've heard others say without thinking of the impact. If you want to be original, be silent and present.

[darrellanderson]

You nailed it Caitlin. A lot of times, there are no words. Some people are quick to offer advice about things that they know nothing about. And a lot of times, someone who is grieving doesn't need advice. They just need someone to be there, just listen. Even if it means sitting in the silence. Sometimes just a person's physical presence can do much, where words can't. Sometimes all a person needs is someone just to be there, to sit in the silence, and to hold them while they cry.

[maryellencook]

A simple "I'm so sorry" may be all that matters. If not, just be silent and be there.

[kansascityshuffle]

I'm so sorry for your loss....That's how I go about it. Nothing more nothing less. Death is final and no words will wash that pain away.

[lauraxkr]

for the bereaved a simple question can work. How are you doing? sets the tone.

[ladymopar]

wow! I take my coworkers kids who just lost their dad and my close friend out to car shows they enjoy it they get out of the house they talk to me about him and we think of all the good times we had together one of the kids asked me if you ever get over it I told them you never do I miss my mom every single day and not a day goes by where I don't think about her.
getting out of the house for a few hours to have some fun I think that's a great way to go let them bring it up

[SundayMourningLove]

When I was grieving I HATED when ppl wd say, "She's in a better place"! I always thought to myself "You dont KNOW that!" Even though I'm a Christian, my little sister wasnt, so no one knew what REALLY happened to her when she died! At her funeral an old friends wife was somewhat newly pregnant and another old friend of mine said "One person has to die for a new one to be born" which also pi**ed me off! Why wd she think that wd comfort me?! I didnt know this pregnant girl, I didnt talk to that old friend anymore and I was never even going to see that baby! Was she implying that my 22 yr old sister had to DIE for an old friend I hadnt spoken to since high school to have a baby?!?! What the crap kind of logic is that?! And she said it AS WE WERE STANDING LOOKING AT MY LITTLE SISTERS DEAD BODY!!

[lindawilliams]

When I lost my daughter I really don’t remember what anyone said. What I do remember is the look a coworker gave me. That look conveyed her sadness for me and that she shared in my grief. She said more to me with that look than words could have ever said!!

[hellcat]

It took me 5 years to get over my fathers death, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown after my dog passed a few years ago and it hurts all over again cuz I just had to put another dog down (the one who pulled me through the other ones passing) so who knows how long it'll be before I get over the loss. When I get his ashes back I'll lose it again.

[Majesticblue]

I don’t think “ how are you?” Is a good idea. I asked that and she answered “ bad, I lost my brother” I felt terrible for asking that. I feel so lost to even make communication. It feels like everything I say is bad. Not sure what to do or say

[Brend.]

I remember everybody dissappeared on me after three weeks or so after my dad died. I felt so alone...to the point where I started making stupid decisions and messing my life up.

[yacaattwood]

I would add: DON’T SQUIRM.

Don’t Squirm if the grieving person wants to TALK about the death of a person, pet, dream

Don’t Squirm if the grieving person cries - you will feel helpless, even uncomfortable - but you cannot bring back the dead. Just be with the griever, be willing to say the dead person’s name, to share memories.

Just be present

[martareitmajer]

Omg I already said one of the things! “They’re in a better place now” what do I do?

[positivelypenny]

My Dad is dying. How do I talk to him. How do I make it easier for him? What can I say?

[richiefoster]

My dad died December 22nd 2005 this year will be 19 years it's going to hit me hard I may not want to say anything to anybody for about 6 months

[Leracarebear]

Do any of you guys know where babies come from. My parents won't tell me

[sofang]

How about saying, "I am so sorry for your loss but I am here for you" and/or "They are at peace and no longer suffering"