If You’re Torn or Unsure About Having Kids, Watch This

Lisa Bilyeu shares her tips for deciding whether or not you want to have kids.

TIPS
Give yourself permission to ask the question.
What does an average Wednesday look like with kids?
Think about the bigger picture.
Talk to your partner.
Say it outloud.
Have the hard conversations.
Deal with the haters.

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[poetrycorazon]

I'm 50 years old, I have no regrets that I didn't have kids. I'm living the last half of my life celebrating life with more wisdom & focus.

[MsMarebear]

People always want to call women who don't want/have kids selfish. When in reality, it is a selfless decision. Thanks for this Lisa ❤️

[sameerhinduja]

If somebody calls you selfish for being childfree ask them why they had kids ? Their answers usually begin with " I wanted"

[bookieinspires]

All I can tell you if you don’t have a kid yet and you are on the fence is “Don’t Do It” I have a child, I don’t regret it but my life is completely taken away from me. It’s so hard to achieve anything. Your life has to be on hold. It can affect your mental status if you are not ready. It’s tough, very tough. Its a lifetime sacrifice. You really need to be extremely personally passionate about it for it to work out. Not having kids is a selfless decision.

[tamlynn]

Don’t! I have 3. I love them to the moon and back but it is grueling trying to raise them and provide for them. Huge sacrifice of my personal time and wants because they come first. I would tell anyone who has doubts, you have doubts for a reason. Listen to it.

[gabrielled]

My husband and I have been married for 20 years this year and as a young married couple totally planned on having children. Now 20 years down the road we are both 40 and have 3 beautiful fur babies and a successful coffee business. We are happy with our decision to not have children now but we did struggle at first. Family and social pressures are very real for couples like us and it takes a lot of courage and mindfulness to make it thru the storm. Thank you Tom and Lisa for being that lighthouse.

[nickatnight]

I always knew I didn't want to have kids and it surprised me that most men do! I've heard everything you could possibly hear from people: you'll regret it, you'll die alone, what are you going to do when you get older, why, you're selfish, you're not a whole woman, it's your duty for the human race, do you hate kids, you'll change your mind, and they're "my" reason for living. I'm 35 years old and engaged to a man who feels the same way about not having kids. I love kids and I think they're amazing. The responsibility is just too great for me personally to want to have my own and that is okay. Either choice you make stick to your guns and tell people that your fertility is not up for discussion. 😜

[NCGirlify]

I just hate being judged for not having kids. I’m Greek Orthodox too.

[Jool]

I had kids because ‘that’s what you did’ - and tho I adore them, it’s been a hard and complicated journey. I wouldn’t give these ones up, but if I knew then what I do now, I wouldn’t have children.

[omowhanre]

This is an important conversation. Unfortunately, it's difficult to explain the positives of parenthood. BUT, the sweetness of parenthood can't really be experienced if you yourself are not a whole person and in a healthy emotional/spiritual place.

[rosieone]

The editing of this video is so fun! I love it.

I was 8 years old when I responded to my grandparent's and mum that I was not having kids. They said I'd change my mind when I was in my 20's. I am now 30, still don't want kids. Even though I knew back then, I still considered these exact questions over the years. Mostly due to feeling broody/fear and things. I don't think this is always a one time decision, at least not for everyone.


I'd like to add few things you didn't mention, which I think are important:
1. Considering what you will do when you're older/retired/disabled/ill? How will you fill your time? How will you get meaning? How do you want the end of your life to look? (providing you're lucky enough to get that far). Important note for this question, I'm not talking about dying alone or having the kids look after you.

2. Talk to (trusted) others who are also deciding too, don't let them decide however. Just talk about it, share the thoughts/feelings. Grab a brew, snuggle up on the sofa and chat away.

3. And finally, it is okay to grieve over whatever the decision you decide. Because both decisions are coming with a loss. You can't avoid it. And that doesn't mean your decision was wrong.

[myconfusedmerriment]

This is so timely that you posted this today, as I've been thinking about this topic a lot. I'm genuinely on the fence, because I do love kids, but I don't know that I'm really prepared to be responsible for one 24/7. I do worry about "missing out, " but I have recently had the revelation that, if I decide not to have kids, there will be other things I AM able to do instead; either choice will be exciting and rewarding in different ways. But I'm not going to take the leap unless I'm 100% sure, and I think just "asking the question" is something that more people should take the time to do. Thank you, Lisa!!

[cthornton]

In a world where 30% of new parents admit they radically underestimated the labor intensity of childbearing and rearing, this is a granular approach to navigating these waters. Thank you for sharing your process with us, Lisa, in your inimitable & endearing fashion.
Love the Gracie tee 🤘

[perlah]

I just turned 37 and i just feel so anxious that i cannot take a decision since my clock is ticking faster and faster everyday. My husband told me he would be happy either way if we decide to have or if we decide not to have. Everybody keeps telling me I should and now since I don't have a lot of time left that i will regret it if I don't. I really don't know what to do, I am happy not having to take responsibility for anyone, having the time for me, i also take care a lot of the time of my sick parents so I feel I don't want more of my time to be taken from me. I also know that if we decide to have all my life will be for them before anything and i don't know if I am willing to let go all of me for them.

[me]

It's so insane to me that we are conditioned to think that EVERYONE must breed, as if there is no other option. There is even a stigma of having one child and not having a child with your current husband. I have a 7 year old that I adore but since we have always been on our own, I had to make the decision to have more with my current husband to be. I spent a lot of time, over a span of over a year, contemplating the decision of "starting over". I had to reconcile the feelings I had and feeling like that is what I needed do to validate my new relationship. But once I got my head clear and got through the layers of "supposed tos" I realized I had a strong NO inside of me. No I don't want to have anymore kids. I don't want to start over. My relationship with my husband will be just as valid. There is no wrong way, don't have kids, have 1, 2 or 10 but just make sure it's what YOU want. We should be commending people who are really contemplating the choice to become a parent or not instead of guilting them.

[sweetsourr]

I’m 25 with a 5 year old sister, 13 year old sister, and 19 year old brother. I love them dearly, but I feel like I’ve already raised children. I missed middle school because I was babysitting.

Now, after telling my guy friend that I don’t want children, he tells me it’ll give me meaning. That irritated me because our lives are complete opposite. I have extensive childhood trauma and grew up in poverty bouncing from homes. His family is wealthy and grew up with both parents.

If my mom were to pass I’d take custody of my sisters because they’d have no other choice than foster care. I imagine that’ll be stressful figuring out.

[marymercado]

In addition, had 1 child and then waited 8 years to have another. We don’t always have to have to pop them out so close that we can’t recover and invest in ourselves and our partners for years upon years. Just because that’s the norm doesn’t mean it works best for everyone

[Holly]

I've always known I dont want kids. I'm now 36 and have had the same old conversation a million times over with so many nosey who think my life choices are their business. It can get tiring! I used to feel guilt that my mums dream of becoming a nan won't be fulfilled, but i also know that it was also her dream to raise a strong independent woman who knows her own mind. And thats what she got :)
Thank you for this video Lisa and all the other empowering messages you share.

[ErikaLancasterArt]

Loved it, Lisa! I'm 35 and have never wanted kids. Nor does my husband. 😁
For both of us, our partnership is and will always be, number one. My parents are divorced and I experienced what it was like to grow up with a pair that was "just together for the kids" and his parents are still married but barely stand each other, which is sad.
We CHOSE to be with each other and we're going to be the only real constant throughout, hopefully, most of our lives. And I think that the best families (those who do have children), are the ones in which the parents love each other first and foremost, and see their children as being a product of their partnership and their love for each other. They continue giving their partner importance, even when the kids do come along.
I have SUCH great admiration for couples who reach an old age and still are putting in the effort to keep each other happy and seem to still be so in love. 💚
When people have children, they are creating another human being that is going to go off to build his/her own life and they won't be around forever.
I'm aware being a parent is probably the most difficult thing one can ever do, as you're supporting and helping form a person that you want to be a "whole" individual with values and with the tools to reach happiness and success in the future. And you have to love them enough (and want to have children enough), to be able to prioritize them and give them all you possibly can (not talking about material things here but love, support, encouragement and guidance). And then, after that, parents have to love them enough to let them go and support them from a distance, as they build their own lives.
Unfortunately, there are lots of people who become parents who really shouldn't because they feel it's the proper next thing to do or because they are pressured by their parents or society.

I've always been clear with everyone since I was in my early 20's that having children has never been something I really wanted. They always said I would regret it or that I'd change my mind later, but at 35, I still feel the same way.
I love my life SO much, and there's lots that I want to do still. And I don't dislike kids at all! I'm a teacher. :) But I'd rather just have them in small doses and have my time to myself so that I can work on goals that I'm actually passionate about (and take care of myself along the way which is also super important for me).
Also, I don't know why (I'd love to know if this is something any women out there feel too or if I'm just weird), but the simple thought of having a living thing growing inside of me makes me want to throw up a little bit. haha
Anyway, sending love to all of the amazing parents out there, and to everyone who doesn't want kids, too!

[etherealdeal]

I just got dramatically canceled by a guy I was seeing because I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids. This video made me feel so much better and was tremendously helpful. Asking the questions to myself really helps. with a baby an average Wednesday would be what, waking up every two hours to endure painful breastfeeding, getting vomited on, having to clean and have lots of laundry nonstop, no time to shower in peace etc. so much anxiety and horror there