Self-Sabotage After Narcissistic Abuse

Self-sabotage is a defense mechanism you may have learned from your abuser/s. It's part of the abuse training where the abuser conditions the target to abuse him/herself. In this video I describe the 5 most common forms of self-sabotage that I see in the particular kind of PTSD/C-PTSD that is caused by abusive relationships. I give you some tools to train yourself to stop getting in your own way so you can create the life you want to live.

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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor. She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal and transform your life after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. Meredith teaches the mindsets and tactical skills to help with recovery. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. Meredith recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!

[DazedDebbieShow]

Thank-you! My mom, when I was in first grade, let me sign up for ballet classes. I was so excited. But, then, she didn't take me to all the classes. The day of my graduation performance, she wrote down the wrong time on the calendar. So, when my father drove me there, the school was empty. We discovered that the performance had already happened. She did things like this to me, throughout my life. Breaking promises, holding back support, etc. Then, she'd tell me in my twenties, you should read the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". I suspect now, that she was jealous of me. It can be better to be by yourself, than being with people who bring you down. Hang out with people with the same goals, who support you.

[ktxu]

Mantras:

1. "I decide what's okay for me. I have the right to say no."

2. "I can create the life I want to live."

3. "I will be victorious. I am worthy of success. I am the one I've been waiting for."

4. "I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of happiness."

5. "Everything is going to be alright. I am taking action that supports my growth."

[cynicalmushroom]

I do ALL of these things. It took a mental breakdown after 33 years of shit to make me finally be honest with myself. I've spent months educating myself of narcissists and their abuse and now I want to focus on healing and growth. I want to have a life now.

[starlingswallow]

Stand up for myself: I didn't know how. I had an angry dad and learned to people please with my mom because I was terrified she'd leave.
Not being able to find the line, maybe I didn't know how to say "this is not ok for me"...this was the mantra of my LIFE. I had no idea I could say no or "let me think about it and get back to you." Bing learning about Narcs the past year has been huge in me learning boundaries!
Wow- being around people that I have to DIM myself or make myself small. WOW. 😢 I don't want these people in my life anymore. I COULD ONLY BE A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF WHO I WAS!! Yes!! The last 13 years has been this and it was KILLING me!
Not being our 100% selves IS self sabotage! It's our choice. I choose now to be friends with people who I can be 100% of myself around!

[pedromartins]

I m, 42, lost everything and i have a dream of entering in the best school of my country taking the applied mathematics and computation!!!

[SeagullB]

Setting limits is a new skill for anyone who spent time with a narcissist .

[puremaledark]

When running your own business, learning to say No is a lesson that needs to be learned quick!

[faith]

Thank you for this Now I'm beginning to understand why it's so hard for me to get anything done, and still carry the stigma among my narcissistic family members (and the flying monkeys), even well into adulthood, that I'm the lazy one, someone with no goals and no drive. Many days I can't even get out of bed, or can't wait for the day to be over so I can go back to sleep. Just avoiding everything. Plus I'm always downing myself so others can feel superior. Just so tired of living like this. I'm so glad to find your channel, Meredith. You are so insightful into narcissistic abuse and I'm sure you are saving lives.

[Michelle__]

Self sabotage is real for sure. Dealt with parental narcissistic abuse & was literally afraid of speaking up to my own child. Effected every relationship I ever had. I felt I wasn’t good enough for good people to be in my life. I’m in my 50s & just learning to change

[jocelynesdriving]

I'VE COME TO THE MOST HEARTBREAKING REALITY THAT I HAVE TO GO FAR AWAY WITH MY BROKEN LIFE FROM ALL MY NARCISSISTIC 'FAMILY' INCLUDING MY GROWN ADULT SONS . ..
THIS PAINFUL SAD AND CRUEL HORRIFIC SITUATION I'VE DISCOVERED IS TOO MUCH . ...MY SOUL CRIES FOR TOO LONG ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. BUT WHAT I'VE OBSERVED IS, THEY LINKED AS A NETWORK AND YOU WON'T GET THEM TO SPEAK OR DO THE TRUTH..!!
IT'S EVIL

[corsicanlulu]

i think a big issue that most of us dont even realize is that we may have a fear of happiness....sounds weird right? its mostly unconscious cuz consciously who doesnt wanna be happy? we all do...or at least we THINK we do...but if u were abused extensively ur whole life and have PTSD, ur identity is of being a failure or "loser" (as some people think of us and we think of ourselves). so we sabotage because we are comfortable in that position, we dont know anything else! we are creatures of habit and our habit is chaos, pain, trauma etc...its what we attract in our lives. its like we feel "how does it feel to be happy? what does that feel like? who will i be w/out these problems? i wont even know myself anymore..." and its so scary, that fear of the unknown and fear of not even knowing who u might be anymore....this was a big revelation for me...and if u heal from these thoughts u wont attract good things cuz deep inside u dont really want them

[TaajiRauf]

I am the one I've been waiting for. This video has come right on time. Self sabotage is a major issue in my life. Right now I have a homework assignment and I'm panicking. I will self talk myself out of this feeling. This homework will get done. One day at a time.

[deb]

I seem to be overly responsible towards others, which keeps me from focusing on the things I need to accomplish!

[lenasvn]

I’m starting to see clearly why things are the wsy they are at 51, thanks to your videos. Heartbreaking to realise all of it and for how long I carried this junk in my soul.

[moyamontgomery]

My mothers favourite last minute saying was " Oh I really hope you're not going to make a fool of yourself. I really hate her for that but I don't waste energy on it anymore. She is dead and I am still not free.

[nancycaccioppo]

HONESTY - this is the strongest, most powerful knowledge I have received in my whole life, thank you for caring so much Meredith

[Ashmekd]

dude you might have straight up saved my life- thank you.

[Meeko]

the work from home part of the video is so spot on. My mother is the narcissist. She always accused me of being lazy because I work in IT. She kept saying its not a real job because there is no "labor" involved, like waiting on someone hand and foot. Also, she hates computers and technology, so she views it as inferior to her because she does not understand it, and therefore, says "the old ways" are the best ways. I understand a lot of the older generations view technology this way, but in the way of the narcissist - it means something completely different when they are trying to have power over something or someone. I had a work from home job, and she used to constantly interrupt me. When I got a different job, where I could work both at the office and also remotely from home, she started to ease off a bit because she saw I was also physically going to an office so the job must be "real", but its still not "real work" because I "sit on my ass all day". And she would always get upset at the previous full time work from home job, because I got a paycheck. She would say where I got the money from lol.. I said from working! It wasn't until my then fiance', now husband, spoke up to her (he works in IT) and said that I'm a good employee (he used to work for the same company but left to pursue a start up), and that I was a hard worker and always would put my best foot forward. That jobs in IT require a lot of skill, knowledge and training, and that the company was very lucky to have me.

You should have seen the look on her face. It seems that narcissists certainly don't like to hear that their adult child could excel in something above what they could excel in, specially in an area they have no understanding in. Then later, my mom would say "She gets it from me". Even though she has zero knowledge of IT, somehow... I got it from her. And that only frustrated me, because anything I would excel in, she took credit for. Yet, in high school when I did bad at something, she would say, "I don't know where she gets that from because its not from me". My mom is a high school drop out, and didn't finish a trade school either. She has no diplomas. I found this out only a few months ago, when some major drama hit the fan and I went "no contact".

[catmagic]

I just plain don't want to be around people.
I end up exhausted.

[pault]

This is exactly what I do, just like how you described. Once things are going well and I'm feeling great, I begin to overthink, get stuck in my head, and end up ruining my mood. It's like my brain was set on the default to sabotage good things. I've also struggled with the 'woe is me' mentality of being stuck in past abuse. Thankfully I've started to become aware of this and I'm working to train this out of me. I know that those thoughts are not reflective of my authentic, whole self. Thanks for the vid!