The fear of commitment: the truth about why men don't commit

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The "fear of commitment" is generally a judgment leveled by women at men when their invitation to relationship is rejected. However, while there are likely some men who are legitimately fearful of commitment, this is not the case for the vast majority of men, most of whom understand the importance of duty and teamwork. In this episode, I will explain -- using examples from my own life -- what is really going on when a man turns down an invitation to relationship.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
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#commitment #dating #relationships

[annaguerra]

To be fair, a lot of men tell women they're afraid of commitment because it's easier than straight up telling them they don't want a relationship with them specifically

[frankbarciakiii]

Agree...as a man gets older, more successful, and provided he has never been married and does not want kids there is literally no reason to stop being a free agent

[eldrrad]

You are correct that men do not fear commitment and make commitments all through life. Because men understand commitment; a decision, a rational process. Women view commitment as a feeling, and feelings can change as the seasons change (sometimes faster). This makes it very difficult for men to take a woman's offer of commitment seriously. We know there will be no real consequences for a woman breaking her commitment. But for men the consequences of the relationship ending are not so avoidable. Particularly if the man DID take her commitment seriously, and is now left with not only feelings of loss and/or abandonment but also betrayal. Which will make it all the harder for the next woman who might seek a relationship. Once bitten, twice shy.

[petergyt]

He's not afraid of commitment, he just doesn't want commitment with you.

[STREEEEEET]

Paraphrasing Chris Rock: " _I don't fear commitment, i fear the judiciary system_ "

[deepthinker-km]

I am a woman, and I concur. That’s one of the biggest issues that I have in today’s society, and I see it even amongst my close, personal friends. It does seem to be that whenever our relationship goes south, a woman will list everything she’s done for a man, failing to realize that relationships are not so much what you do or don’t do, but they are about chemistry And other things that we may not be able to express. It’s become popular to accuse a person of narcissism if you were good to them, and they ultimately did not want to relationship with you. Whatever I’ve been in a situation with a man I’ve never once accuse the person of being a commitment phobe. I pretty much knew that it did not mean I was a terrible or unattractive person. I just knew in my gut that the man was not feeling me as a lifelong partner. That is something that it seems women struggle with. Everybody talks about the weakness of the male ego, but I beg to differ. Women absolutely go nuts, when they are in love with a man, and he won’t choose them. I also think men can be better at sensing when a woman is truly in love, or the type of woman, who may genuinely be in love at the moment, but may not exhibit signs of emotional stability, meaning if she goes strictly by her feelings and passion, when those feelings change, she may not be the solid rock that most men want in a marriage. I’ve always felt a bit isolated from other women, because when you point these things out, they get extremely mad and you lose friends. The problem is even worse today, because women date and have sex with so many men, but I think after a while, it just destroys their self-esteem. I have all the sympathy in the world for anyone who has been rejected, but unless someone is cheating or physically or emotionally abusive, You cannot call someone a narcissist because you did a bunch of stuff for that person that they probably did not even ask or expect you to do. So many women and men today follow a playlist of what they think the opposite sex ones. If you’re a man, be on on time, preferably with a big bouquet of roses, and a box of chocolates. Worship her, tell her 24 hours a day how she is beautiful and that means if the woman has any sense at all, she will jump on marriage. For women, it’s basically in a lot of cases today, taking the bad boys and trying to literally live their lives for them. Help him find a job, loan him money let him borrow your car, have sex with him whenever he wants it and boom, she assumes he will feel obligated to marry her. Relationships really are not Based on what the person has or has not done for you. I think men choose partners, because they feel a particular woman will be a solid, and emotionally stable rock. A lot of men think women are very flighty, and they don’t trust. A woman will remain long-term. Surprisingly enough, it’s not always the most physically, beautiful woman that I made, and she was supposed to be his wife. I think men can sense that a woman is just auditioning for the role of wife because that’s how she feels in the present moment, and I think Matt are repulsed by it, although they probably are not able to expressed that. Essentially, he will commit just not to this particular woman for whatever reason. And then there are other men who do the opposite and Mary a woman simply because of her physical beauty and the social status, he thinks it will give her. Then he lives to regret it. But I think that is less common, and I could see a man who is not used to getting a lot of female attention, and who is not successful with women overall, jumping on the chance to wife up what he perceives to be a woman out of his league. There is an entire myriad of circumstances at play. Sometimes it is just simple chemistry. It’s very hard to fine relationships were both people feel strong about each other or an equal level. They always say the person who cares the least is the one with the most power. But there’s nothing you can do to change it if you feel strongly for a person, and the other person is lukewarm, at best about you

[wendycordova]

Plain and Simple. Thanks. I am a woman in fear of commitment or well after this analogy example I realize it’s not that I’m afraid, it is that I am unsure of his offer.

[qbraun]

For me, it's a real fear of commitment in romantic relationships because I am survivor of divorce. I know what the family court looks like. I know what it feels like to fear decisions you do not get to make. And since, I have heard other countless horror stories from other divorced men who had it far worse than me.

So to add to the discussion. A woman would have to prove that I would never be taken back to the family court. She can't...

And that is to a guy who is now 13 years divorced. Five years since my last relationship. Now clear of all debts and issues from that marriage. When I see an opportunity for a new relationship I sieze up with anxiety. I have literally run away from women over it.

And this is just me... But I have shared my thoughts with other guys and they have the same outlook. Girls are great for fun, but never to get serious with. Ever...

[Last_one_before_I_go]

Yes, I'm fearful of commitment to a woman when she tells me she had her first 9 year marriage end in violence and her 2nd 15 year marriage end when she says "it worked until it didn't", but also said for the last 10 years of it, the marriage was sexless. The common denominator in those of her problems in those marriages, was that she was involved in both. She was a baaaadddd deal and I felt no remorse from walking away quickly....and silently.

[Vladimyrful]

I don't know if this is even tangentially related but I'm DEATHLY afraid of being with somone I'm not sure I 100% like and either 1: not leaving the relationship, being miserable 2: deciding I don't like them and breaking their heart.

[rejectwokeness]

Women: He's afraid of commitment
Men: I'm just not so into you...

Women: Men are afraid of strong independent women
Men: We're just not attracted to a manly woman

[Shutzie]

I'm curious to know how you feel attachment theory plays into this dynamic. An insecurely attached person, particularly a dismissive avoidant, by definition does have negative somatic, subconscious responses to commitment as a result of the inherent vulnerabiity it requires. This is often manifested in having unrealistic and unreasonable "standards" for a perfect mate that is "the one."

I don't think, generally speaking, your "he's just not that in to you" point is wrong or invalid. But I think it's worth considering that there are, in fact, approximately 25 percent of the population (more if you count disorganized attachment style) that are, in fact, whether consciously or subconsciously, afraid of commitment.

[HD]

Not wanting to entangle yourself with a woman to the point at which you would bear significant costs (mental or financial) in extricating yourself from the arrangement is a perfectly rational risk adjusted evaluation of that arrangement particularly for men who don't want kids.

[idlehourlinda]

Sometimes the truths that are the hardest to hear are the most necessary to hear. Thanks for not sugarcoating this one Doc!

[maria.c]

Yes, that is a hard pill to swallow but once accepted, it's freeing and allows one to develop oneself to be in a position of being acknowledged as valuable to invest in and commit to. Something I'm working on myself. Thanks doc 🙏

[natedanger]

This definitely help me with understanding myself a lot more. I do believe in devotion to the relationship because that’s a partnership I decided to dedicate my life too. So it is hard especially with failed relationships and modern dating ideologies out in social media land. But yes this works for anyone dealing with commitment issues. To help myself I listed the qualities and traits I value and desire and created a list of deal breakers and some things I can compromise on. There’s no checklist for the perfect partner but it’s good to know what you want. Thanks this was a great video.

[boethius]

The International Sisterhood of Withholding Women Union folded years ago and has been replaced by non-union, low wage labor. You can't give something away for free and later expect to charge premium prices in the same market.

[beestreet]

One of your better videos. Truth is beauty.

[ImYourFatherKid]

Tbh first 3 mins were pointless but the point is absolutely spot on tbh. It's definitely one of the reasons

[matthewnorris]

“In order to make a deal, you have to offer him something substantially better than he already has.”