Why Narcissists Feel Empty Inside

In this episode, Dr. Ettensohn discusses the emptiness that individuals with pathological narcissism and NPD often experience using the concept of ‘Self as Object.’

Individuals with pathological narcissism and NPD often report having been treated as an object for someone else’s gratification in childhood. This early exploitation can cause profound disconnect from emotional authenticity, because it necessitates the development of false self adaptations to protect against overwhelming shame, envy, and rage.

[healnpd]

I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.

[SandraUkleja-opfw]

"We need to be found."

"We are not here to feel good. We are here to be."

[brucefullwood]

These explanations of NPD, how it forms and how it functions in the lives of those who suffer from it, are FAR more comprehensive and insightful that what I hear from Ramani. It's unfortunate, but understandable. Ramani is all about "you're a victim and these people are awful, " and very little else. Ettensohn describes NPD, the structure of it, the function of it, etc. What's more, he describes what narcissists experience. That is INCREDIBLY useful information, far more than, "narcissists are mean and they victimize you."

[deniarechiga]

Thinking about how empty I feel makes me sad and scared that i won’t ever feel what everyone feels like genuine love for others or self feelings that aren’t based on what others think. I feel alone but this video made me feel like someone saw me as a real person😢

[Fururu]

Your content should get way more recognition. I don’t have NPD myself but my ex is on the Cluster B spectrum and your explanations make so much sense. I love your compassionate approach, I feel like all those demonising content out there doesn’t do justice to individuals with NPD/cluster B. I wish I could show this video to my ex to help him but I can’t because I have to protect myself (coming into contact again would be a great risk to get hurt more).

[cLuStErBMiLkShAkE]

Yes, I was an object to perform for my mother. If I challenged that image, I was punished (often). The disheartening realization is trying to find out who I am without feeling like a fraud. I STILL want my partner's applause and to tell me I'm doing a good job. I want him to be proud of me for being the best version of myself for our relationship to thrive. But is that still me performing? One thing I do know...I have had hard conversations and taking painful accountability for "episodes" of splitting and shame/fear projection. I am learning more about what lurks in the dark and I refuse to sleepwalk through that darkness, holding my thought monster like a protector any longer.

[The_NutritionChef]

My mom told me that her mom taught her that if the baby cries do not hold them. Ignore them to train them not to cry as much and if you hold them too much you will spoil them. Its sad that’show previous generations thought and how this all relates back to that. I remember always being punished and use of the belt very loud italian father. They thought they had it right

[bostonjackson]

Video Notes and Points:
1.Narcissists view themself as an object... an it".

2. Narcissists view of themself can change almost instantly, from doing well/ to being worthless/a failure ugly/unwanted... and/or visa versa.

3. Narcissists do the same to others also, i.e., idealize/devalue them (view them as valuable to worthless) it's called "splitting".

4. Narcissists feel empty because they have never discovered their authentic self. Instead, throughout their lives they have only ever learned to be whatever object others need/want them to be. Where their authentic self should be, is instead, only a void of emptiness.

[kamikrachunova]

As a recently self-discovered narcissist, your evidence-based information and helpful and understanding advice is the only source of life line to me to get over self-hate, insecurity, confusion, pain and make sense of my inner world.

[SLiCkJo]

Dr. Mark, I know you might feel a bit self conscious about posting these videos out there for everyone to see, and such misunderstood topic to boot. But please know, YOU ARE HELPING, and you have shown you care. I always listen and enjoy your videos, please keep ‘em coming! THANK YOU for such great work.

[MsMirror]

Omg I become whoever people want me to be. I treat other people (my partner primarily) like an audience. They're objects to approve of me and I'm an object to be perfect. I feel like a machine that takes input from people and performs. For some time this is how I got self esteem and an identity.

[lindatallon]

No matter what....after the age of are responsible for our own can't make innocent people a "punching bag".

[jenniferd]

Thank you for speaking to us, the narcissists, with such depth of understanding. This is rare.

[bezta]

This is the absolute best description of what I have felt inside all my life. You put it all into words so clearly and compassionately while explaining the whys and hows one could end up living with this void. What you are doing here in your posts is compassionate; it is brave as all hell; and can potentially allow people like me to at least begin to believe that we can be seen, that we can be understood and that we should not be afraid to trust.

This journey of beginning to see myself has been a literal war inside my head, and the closer I would get to see it all for what it is, the more intense, toxic, and abusive my behaviors would become. Ultimately, I had to sit and face the reality that I had not been the good person I saw myself as. I had to sit in the emotions tied to those behaviors, the regret, the guilt, the accountability of it all, the shock to my system that I could have done all this for so long while hiding it from myself. I began questioning my sanity, a total Tyler Durden experience, only with no Brad Pitt. It was the worst thing I have had to willingly put myself through, and the only thing that kept me in that space was that I did not want to continue living; when they say that, it feels like annihilation; it is no joke. I could not have sat through all of this, to have felt the horror, the pain, and real shame without my husband's dedication, love, compassion, bravery, and ability to see the real good in me despite my horrible treatment of him. Facing this and living through it, I came out of it all with that same shame that I've carried with me all my life, except I now can define why I felt this way. I finally understood that this feeling was unrelated to me and my being, that I was not evil. I realized it was instead tied to my actions and the simple truth that my maladapted defensive systems prevented me from sitting in it and taking accountability for my actions. I had been denying myself this horrible guilt and every feeling connected to it all my life. What I did not expect was that I also came out of it with the knowledge, and actual ability to understand, that all of this does not define me and that I do not want to be this opportunistic selfish person with no drive other than a desperate need for validation. It is just as you said. That void, which I feared more than anything, was the root of my depression, the reason I could never speak for myself or voice my desires.
I interpreted this as if it was broken or hollow. But it ended up becoming a blessing because I could now clearly see that from this point on, I can fill that space with who I genuinely want to be, what defines me. And after going through the painful reality that these feelings of guilt and shame were here to guide me to be a better person, not something to fear.
I am currently dealing with the reality that some of my triggers remain, and my defensive nature resurfaces instantly, like an impulse or reaction. And it happens so quickly, seemingly out of nowhere, that it instills a fear that I am reverting to my old ways. All I can do now is remain vigilant, do my best to stay connected to my emotions, and listen to them when something I do does not match the person I am striving to be. When I make a mistake, blame others for what I know are my issues, or act poorly, I know to stop and apologize, take accountability for what I just did, and do the best I can to forgive myself for not being perfect. And that it is ok because I can now remember these destructive behaviors, learn from them, and repeat them less and less often. This process is impossible to describe and the most horribly painful, terrifying, and challenging thing I can imagine.

I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing more and more from you.

[joeshymanski]

I am new to your channel here, but not new to this topic. I am nearly 2 years out of a decade long relationship with a malignant covert, narcissist wife. It has been devastating. I am still reading constantly, and basically live in this section of YouTube whenever I have the chance. This “compassionate view” of narcissism, I believe is spot on. Clarifying, and sensible. It’s so much more realistic. Narcs are really simply undeveloped and broken. Not so intentionally awful… just utterly unaware of nearly everything. Thank you for this. I look forward to listening more.

[judycannatelli]

I have suspected this. I have been in narcissistic relationships all my life. I have loved my family and relationships and always tried to find the “good” in them. It broke my heart to think that they were empty inside. I took the premises that they had a fear of abandonment, so I confirmed my steadfast loyalty to the end as long as my boundaries were respected.. I have lived a life of pain. Now I don’t take things personally. I take care of me then I take care of them

[sagebay]

Very helpful! "Used children". That was powerful. It helps me not be so angry at my parents anymore. Thank you so much for helping me.

[CH-ykbg]

Oh god, this was just what I needed to hear. I will keep re-visiting this video. I can't thank you enough, it makes me emotional to feel seen. I love your content ;_; I'm so glad you exist and that I found you, Dr.

[polyphonic_peanut]

... oh my god ... This is my experience of myself and my childhood as I remember it. Thank you again for your compassionate and accurate description of pathological narcissism.

[mistyblue]

This helped me suddenly realize the probable reason for why so many of my family, and narcissists in general, become narcissists in the first place.. thank you. I appreciate your approach. Im not a narcissist/cluster B myself, but i have known so many throughout my life.