CPTSD (COMPLEX PTSD) HOLIDAYS AND TOXIC FAMILY: ATTACHMENT EDITION

This video describes 3 types of toxic families using Attachment Theory, and explores the types of experiences we have with them, how they impact us and what we need to remember during the holiday season. We also do a quick inner child/inner parent exercise at the end.

******FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!

xo

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[heidiperet]

You are spot on! However, I am 54 and just don't have it in me to fake it anymore. I've chosen to disconnect from family during the holidays and spend them in the comfort of my home, cooking in my pajamas if I choose, listening to jazz music, eating when I want and watching fun holiday movies..and that's OK! I choose what is best for me now and I LOVE it!😁

[CheleBadoo]

As an adult, I become distressed when I have an unmet need that I feel incapable of solving for myself. I was taught that my needs were annoying to my caretaker and I was expected to do things for myself much earlier than my child capabilities. Because I couldn't, I would just isolate and sob. I find myself doing this now. I can't even identify when I have a need let alone what it might be. I just regress to sobbing and feeling totally unloved.

[rosiesullivan]

Dr Sage I really do appreciate all the time you take to make your videos.😁♥️👏 Words cannot express how they are helping like what to expect, how to react how to protect ourselves by showing compassion to ourselves by affirming we are okay we are worthy. Taking our power back. No one else will do it, thanks ever so much by ending with the breathing session. Was soothing ♥️😁💃👏👏

[jessicamorse]

this is my first thanksgiving being no contact with borderline, alcoholic mother and low contact with my narcissistic dad and enabler stepmom. grandma passed away a few weeks ago. last year on christmas, dad screamed and cussed at me in front of the family and no one defended or comforted me. a big part of me just doesn't want to spend holidays with them anymore. i don't know how to navigate the whole thing, it's hard.

[allwellandgood]

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you for the validation and tools 🙏 Have the best time with your son! ❤️

[elysegambino]

Your thoughtful explanations are so relatable. I don't have kids, and I won't be seeing my parents, but I'm still experiencing a lot of these feelings and worries. I feel so validated and empowered. Thank you Dr. Sage!

[alexandrugheorghe]

I resonate with disorganized and avoidant.

[moimeme]

This is beautiful Dr. Kim, inspirational message that will no doubt help to keep many of us grounded during the season...wish for you a happy & joyous holiday with your family.

[sandramurray]

That was amazing and I found the exercise towards the end of your video, very relaxing. I will remember this when my narcissistic sister visits for Christmas and be careful to not let her stress me. At present I have been organising everything that she will want and getting ready so that I am well organised before she arrives. I will be having a trip abroad a few days after Christmas, so it will be bearable. Thank you for sharing this video.

[stephaniesmith]

The exercise at the end. I needed that. Thank you!

[hussfamaz]

Love you so much! Love your beautiful Christmas tree too💗

[iloveTool]

Thank you so much for making this video before the holidays!! It will help us when we go to the gatherings to really detach and know when they say hurtful things that it's not true. We have to know our true selves and the fact that our friends know and accept us. And the hurtful/criticizing things said say more about the person they're coming from than about you.

[christinajackson]

Thank you 😍🙏❤️ so happy you’re sons visiting and you’re so excited to see him. ENJOY! Xx

[MissiJade]

Thank you for this video it could not have come at a better time. I have just returned from a family Easter gathering. With my mother being deceased when I was 15 and just losing my partner to a heart attack I have a father who is an alcoholic and his Wife was very emotionally and physically abusive and has borderline traits. My sister is the one that always arranges these gatherings, and because I have two beautiful nephews. I don’t want to let them down so I suck it in and I attend. Because I can’t drive for medical reasons I have to rely on getting lifts and Ubers etc…
Yesterday I was crying in front of my entire family because of the constant conflict, I couldn’t handle it anymore. There is no love or care shown between anyone. I don’t know what to do because I don’t ever want my nephews to feel abandoned by me because they don’t know about the history of abuse and abandonment I went through.
I would be so grateful for any advice.
I’m sorry if this message doesn’t make much sense. I am so dis regulated and so overwhelmed.
Thank you so much 😊

[xoch]

thank you so much. your videos have been helping me a lot. :)

[tafuckingdarh]

TW: suicide.
Dear Dr. Sage
Thank you for your videos. I write in hope for some advice, even though I know it is a lot to ask for.
I am not (yet) diagnosed with cptsd or ptsd, however close friends and those educated on the topic has told me I might have ptsd due to my childhood.
So this Christmas it all went wrong. My mother, again, threatened to take her own life. In anger, my dad said the same to make her understand how horrible she was. I had to be the adult. I had to use all the psychological advice I've learned for so many years to deal with the situation.
Almost 11 years ago, my brother committed suicide. A parent should never make this thread, and even more NEVER when they've already lost one of their children. I'm the only one left.
Many people, close to me an professionals, are positive my mother has BPD, and I think so as well after lots of research.
She has never had treatment/got a diagnosis. It all went so wrong before Christmas, that I went home to my apartment.
I do no longer speak with her, because the line has REALLY been crossed this time.

So my question is, and maybe you can make a video about this:
How do I confront my mother/parent with (an ultimatum to) seeking help. In my country, you can only be diagnosed at the hospitals psychiatric department.
I want her to start there, so they can help her, so we might have a change for her to help herself and the rest of us – she hurts herself, she hurts us. I have tried giving her so many ideas and options to avoid the conflicts or de-escalating them because her wounded self misinterprets anything as an attack on her.
I hope you have the time to read this comment.
If anyone else reads this comment, advice is gladly accepted. However, I will follow advice of professionals, because even though my mother is toxic, she is also a person, and I want to do this the right way🙏🏻

[LuvBugBlaqkHart]

This will be my 2nd holidays after going NC with my entire family. I went NC in August of 2021 and the holidays that year were weird but I think I was mostly dissociated during the holidays in 2021. I'm much more present now. I don't miss any of my family that's for sure (other than the family dog) but I feel kinda hollow inside like I want to enjoy the holidays but I can't find anything that makes me happy about them anymore. I have no desire to put up any decorations (which mostly are nostalgic family ornaments so why even bother) or watch anything cheerie (not really in the "christmas spirit" if you catch my drift). I just feel kinda blah. I love being out in nature in the snow and I like the cozy feeling of being inside with ambient lights, a crackling fireplace, and fuzzy blankets but past that I really don't care about the holidays anymore. Which honestly feels nice because I hate having all the demands that holidays usually bring. If I wanna do something special now I just do it whenever I want, not during a specific time of the year that other people have set for me. If I want hot cocoa I drink it whenever. If I want a roasted turkey or pie I cook/bake that whenever. If I want pretty lights on I have them up all year round and turn them on whenever I want. I never liked holiday music so it's not like I'm missing out on that lol. I don't need the holidays anymore. It's nice in a way. I do wish I had a family but not because the holidays bring up some kind of nostalgia but because I just wish I had a healthy and stable family to share my entire life with. Not just the holidays but any time of the year I want to be able to call my parents up and spend time with them or drive over to my grandparents house and cook some food for them like my grandmother used to do for me when I was little. I want that all year round not just during the holidays. And I know I'll never have that.

[spameranne]

hi, Dr. Sage, thank you for this! it's really helpful but I'm a bit confused - my FOI seems to be a mixture due to extreme age differences & life experiences. I'm the youngest of 2 & still trying to sort out what happened so that I can heal & start finally living.

I grew up with a single mom & a much older bro. sounds like he experienced financial stability but domestic chaos & tried to defend our mom from his abusive stepdad (my father), who came into the picture when he was 5 or so.
we left when I was an infant, & got stuck in poverty. mom's FOI made things worse for us (holdover sibling rivalry), & she basically shut down & went into long-term survival mode bc she was terrified we'd be taken away from her by cys. I was a very anxious, very sensitive baby & child, & it sounds like my brother had some anger issues from an early age, which is completely understandable, considering what he went through. he & I actually were placed with a foster family for a few days when I was really little. I barely remember it. so the cys fear was very real, and the pressure to shut down any big feelings, or any feelings at all, was also very real. (not great for a sensitive kid.)
he stepped into the "man of the house" role at age 9 when we left my dad, holding me to unrealistic expectations & often punishing me verbally or physically when he decided I was acting "bad." lots of "don't get an attitude with me, " & "don't look at me like that, " from him, & lots of "I love you" from her, but little to no guidance or actual parenting bc she was so stressed, had no time to herself, and apparently was afraid of us hitting her.... like both of her husbands.
so my earliest memories are of deprivation, financial stress & being made to hug someone who'd just spanked me for standing up for myself, being made to tell someone I loved them when I was boiling with anger & hurt or get another spanking for not acting right, then clinging to my mom bc she was the only person who seemed nice to me, which set me up to be unable to make friends & form connections outside of this messed up family structure once I started school. I was so lonely, but I didn't know that that's what it was, and felt so ungrateful for being sad and angry and sensing so many things were wrong, but not being able to talk about them bc I didn't want to make her sad or him angry. also, she sent me the local Catholic school, where I was a pariah for living in the projects, being a child of divorce, & being admittedly & understandably maladjusted AF. this also made me a target in the neighborhood for being "that uppity girl who thinks she's too good" for the local public school. I didn't have a single friend, & constantly felt like I needed to do everything right so that we wouldn't get taken away from her, even though I dreamed of running away. she focused on her younger child, helicopter-parenting the hell out of me, while her older one acted out in all the typical ways. I don't know how she expected him to make better choices than he did when she never gave either of us much guidance, just occasional ill-timed, poorly-expressed shallow shamey admonishments. when he left at age 18, she & I got even more enmeshed. for a while I thought of her as my best friend.... because I didn't have any other ones, & she didn't either.

sorry, that's a lot, and it still doesn't cover everything, but it's all to say that it sounds like my brother developed the "make everything look good on the outside" kind of style, and mine is.... all over the place.... I'm really not sure. I've been staying back in the projects with my mom for the past year and it's been a real mindeff. I'm working to get out of it right now & noticed some strange resistance to making changes, like it's preferable to be with her, stuck & miserable, than on my own or with friends (which I do actually have now!)

fwiw it sounds like her parents were fairly checked out, so I don't fault her too much for not knowing what she didn't know. I'm also not trying to minimize the damage done. I'm just trying to figure out how to reconcile all of it so that I can heal and get unstuck. RN my bro claims he either forgot or is "over all that, " and refuses to acknowledge any harm he might have done/continues to do bc he "meant it for my own good, " & can't understand why I wouldn't want to solve my living situation issues by moving in with him, his wife & their growing family... 3 states away from everyone I know and love. mom & I sometimes have really long, often exhausting conversations about things, and they've our understanding of everything dynamic into what I hope is a more positive direction, but I can't be my own family therapist.

(sorry, this ended up being really long)

[wendywvt]

It’s taken me years but I do not spend time on Christmas with family - I spend it away with my own secure small family I’ve worked to distance myself from my family- it’s been incredibly stressful difficult and years and years of therapy to find myself outside the toxicity I was raised in.

[deannaturzi]

Just found your channel and it's helping me make SO much sense of my life. I'm excited to continue watching, but was wondering if you have any podcasts or books you recommend for a non-clinician?