How to Be Assertive: The Assertive Communication Style

Learn how to communicate assertively to improve relationships and boost confidence in this Therapy in a Nutshell video.
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Assertive communication is essential for good relationships and for feeling good about yourself. But many people don't know how to be assertive. They use other, less helpful communication styles.
In this video I'll teach you how you can improve your communication by being assertive.

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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[yeseniarobles]

I’m 32 and I just learned that assertiveness is one of the keys to mental peace. If you’re not assertive you will be dragged, you’re basically allowing people to decide for you and that creates grudges. Be assertive but also be respectful.

[ohmygoodnessgoddess]

My therapist told me that assertiveness is the remedy to resentment

[NarcismeOverleven]

When you're raised in a narcissistic environment, you learn being assertive is unaccepted. It creates a lot of being passive-agressive in your adulthood.

[JB-ijqm]

“Be willing to make an imperfect decision.”That hits home as I overthink anything and everything - definitely going to see how to be more clear and assertive now. Thanks for this great information!

[MrJoon]

I also really struggle with being assertive. I always paralleled it with being aggressive, but it's not. Then I learned assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self-esteem without hurting others.

[rebeccachambers]

I like how you tell us what your issues are also. In a funny way that helps me to relax and I don't think I am so bad after all. I guess we all have struggles.

[nightshift]

This was terrific, this taught in schools as a subject would be so beneficial to the world.

[dailydoseofmedicinee]

Here are some tips to help you learn to be more assertive:

Make the decision to positively assert yourself.
Aim for open and honest communication.
Listen actively.
Agree to disagree.
Avoid guilt trips
Stay calm.
Take a problem-solving approach to conflict.

[tulsalien]

My favorite (sarcasm) thing has been being assertive my whole life and being told that’s aggressive or disrespectful 😑 now I’m 32 and realizing I’ve been doing a pretty good job at this whole life thing lol ❤

[kittybeans]

14:09 For me, I find another benefit to being assertive is not just improving relationships, but also avoiding bad relationships.
For example, I run a small gaming community. Mainly there are two groups, the players in general, and the staff who help enforce community rules & guidelines. I had a somewhat-close friend who asked to be staff. And admittedly I wasn't as assertive as I now think I should've been, but I ultimately told her no, I don't think she'd be a good fit for the position. She didn't appreciate that, said that it's not nice to decline her since we're friends. However, what she couldn't or didn't want to accept, is that being staff and being my friend are not strictly correlated; being one does not necessarily imply anything about being the other. Unfortunately, that friend and I don't talk anymore. Being assertive helped me avoid entering a dishonest, disrespectful relationship with her.

Something I realized looking back on that incident, is that being assertive was not only more respectful to myself and to my friend, but it's also respectful to the community at large. By coming to my community, everyone is basically trusting me to make good decisions, to build and maintain a safe and fun community. A willingness to take on people as staff despite feeling sure they shouldn't be, is a kind of security hole whereby people unfit for power can acquire power. As the "leader", it's my responsibility to ensure that can't happen. If I permit that to happen, it feels disrespectful to everyone who's trusting me.

[wishfulthinking]

I've always struggled with feeling like a burden, so your point about it being healthy and okay to sometimes inconvenience people in a relationship is a welcome surprise to me. I feel like you just gave me permission to "look out for my own best interests" and not feel guilty about it.

[sekyiwahnana]

When I try to be assertive without coming across as harsh, I mostly end up over explaining myself - and it sucks :/

[Angels-xist]

I’ve watched a ton of psychology based videos and although I’m aware that different things work for different people, these videos have some of the only things I’ve found to be practical and applicable and helpful in a very direct way. You can act on alot of the advice very quickly and easily if you want to. It takes a minute to see where she’s coming from, but I think it’s a really good place.

[zeldahopper]

It's difficult for me as a woman is we get mixed messages from society and when growing up to "be sweet, be gentle, be kind, be loving, be feminine... "Men don't like women who are combative etc" all those things I think went into my personality and filtering "assertiveness" as being domineering. Or unfeminine.

[mernaloy]

Seems like people don't accept me being assertive since I've always been a quiet, shy, people pleaser my whole life. When I stand up for myself they shrink back in horror, as if I just threatened to hurt them physically. They want to keep me the same whimpy person I've always been. I can't win ! So I just stay away. It's the only way to keep my sanity.

[LadyRolle]

Please do more videos on this Please please please! This is so good and the way you explain everything is so helpful!

[madeitthroughentertainment]

Been passive-aggressive all my life. The positivity you radiate is impeccable. Thank you so much. This added on the traits I've cultivated so far.

[KimPosteryournewpenpal]

This is such an amazing channel ✨ I feel like being more assertive is difficult for every ppl pleaser. Ty for simplifying these topics for us 💜

[billyb]

Im passive and people walk all over me and controlling people look at me and see a target. I want to stop being a target at every single job I have but I also don't want an uncomfortable work environment if I stand up for myself. When people boss me around and give me attitude for no reason responding with assertiveness in my mind is escalation of that situation. That is my fear. I want to not have anxiety when i go into work everyday

[supermichaelssecondchannel]

I’m going to apply this at my job. I’m going to focus on finishing my work week without calling out.