Being KIND is NOT being NICE: understanding the two faces of kindness

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Kindness is actually a fairly complicated construct. It is not synonymous with being nice. Being nice isn't always kind, and being kind isn't always nice. The issue is that there are two faces of kindness, and one without the other is pathological. In this episode, I use concrete examples to demonstrate how kindness without loving honesty is typically a form of enabling that does more harm than good.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

#kindness #emotions #psychology

[psychacks]

Kindness is actually a fairly complicated construct. It is not synonymous with being nice. Being nice isn't always kind, and being kind isn't always nice. The issue is that there are two faces of kindness, and one without the other is pathological. In this episode, I use concrete examples to demonstrate how kindness without loving honesty is typically a form of enabling that does more harm than good.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

#kindness #emotions #psychology

[Dora-wcbe]

In today's world where insults, manipulation, mind games, grudge and other things is a common place, being kind is extraordinary. It's what separates you from other people. The act of being kind is an extension of self. People misinterpret kindness for weakness. I've always been taught how to be kind to people. Tapping into empathy rather than a fake sweet approach is more authentic and is what I live my life by. Thanks!

[markgoosmann]

I’m a simple guy so I have a simpler interpretation. When approached by sales persons my wife tends to lead them on giving them false hope of a sale she has intention of ( 5 min conversation)—that’s being “nice”. I tell them upfront I appreciate their effort and expertise but aren’t in the market allowing them to move on to fertile prospects (10 sec conversation)— that’s being “kind”.

[jwhelanm]

This realization hit me HARD after 40. I made no distinction between kind and nice up until I faced an inevitable and painful consequence. Being nice is not a virtue, it eats away at you over time, and it can grow into a pretty big ego. One tip that has helped me and might help others - you might overestimate the amount of time other people spending thinking about what you say and do. In all likelihood they are moving on much sooner than you realize. Be honest, speak up, and let it go. There is tremendous freedom for you on the other side.

This was a very powerful lesson, thanks so much.

[Angell_Lee]

I came to a point of my life that I focus on my well-being first. If I am safe and wish to help others, I will do so. Before, I was helping following the concept you mentioned and was giving to people who only take, take with the victim mentality. I was raised in that, so I thought it was normal. It almost took my life out, because I felt I was not good enough to even help them. Now only help if I feel safe and feel it's the right thing to do for me I shall help.

[geraldocoinblatt]

The point about people being complicit in their suffering is 100% spot on. If you are completely a victim then you remove yourself from the power to change your situation, if you can take responsibility for your situation, even if you are not responsible for the circumstances of your situation then you give yourself the option to make that situation better and take control of what is happening to you.

[surfdreamer]

Someone who lived on both the west & east coast once said, "People who live in New York City are very kind, but they are not nice. While those who live in LA are very nice, but they're not kind." I understood exactly what he meant.

[minhquando]

Honesty is the greatest form of kindness in my opinion. Anyone can say nice words, but very few people are willing to tell you the bitter truth, watch you fall apart, and then standing by to help you pull yourself together and build you up into a better, stronger version of yourself. I sincerely encourage everyone to try this, it’s incredibly difficult to do but it’s worth it.

Now with that said, I do encourage people to find ways to deliver the truth in ways that aren’t as damaging. I’m starting to learn how important it is to do that, no need to be more blunt than you already are.

[zero]

to be brutally honest, being nice is for losers, being kind and being strong is the way to go

[leebennett]

Being kind is giving without having an expection of a reward

[MartialistKS]

4:14 -🎯I think enabling is the right word, and it's endemic in our culture these days. Another good description might be toxic empathy. Your example of San Fran is spot on.

[davids.]

I no longer concern myself with being kind. I concern myself with being fair. I will lose sleep over that if a feel I have fallen short, but I never lose sleep over whether I was kind enough. I don't go out of my way to be hurtful either.

[edie]

Thank you, I do have to stop being nice at time, but kindness can not be turned off. From my experience, it's not a good idea and rather a waste of time to confromt someone who is drunk on their drinking. That doesn't work. You do need to tell them the next day, when they are more sober. Don't let them get away with it, as that is permission for them to go again.

[ripGianinaLeilaniReid]

I have been hammered on this point. Giving my friend hell for snorting too much coke. I wasnt nice, I was mad and trying to stop them from killing themselves. I hope they believe me when I say, "I care about you"

[Sinsteel]

It's about whether one judges actions by how they make you FEEL, or what the final RESULT is. Things that produce good results rarely feel good, and chasing good feelings doesn't lead to good results.
It's the difference between enjoying chocolate, or enjoying the fruits of exercise.

[ABC-jqve]

This is the first time in my life I understood what “be kind to yourself” means. Everybody says it, my therapist said it, and I have some vague notions of it, but didn’t know what it was concretely. Turns out, I am not kind to myself lol but now I can learn to be! Thanks!

[brettgarandza]

Single man here and gotta say, I really like this channel. It’s pretty much red pill, while simultaneously being diplomatic. Thanks for the info and glad to learn from it.

[Robinson]

Sounds very stoic. Thank you for the reminder to stop drinking still as it is in my hands now as nobody around me cares about it. I will be a captain

[MCharlerySmith]

Great video, Dr Taraban. Thanks for making it.

I've had this experience recently and had to walk away from it. To help a friend I carefully and lovingly (and privately) confronted them about their change of character and bad habits they had taken up. Nobody else wanted to address it properly and it caused a rather narcissistic reaction from them. They apologised (years) later but it was mostly about wanting the benefits of a good friend without the corresponding responsibility such entails. This was confirmed when they started trying to triangulate me with the "nice" people who saw the destructive path they were on but said nothing, actually encouraged it

Oh well, God knows my heart. People, stay chaos free in 2023!

[idlehourlinda]

It was the hardest thing I've ever done to confront a loved one's destructive addiction with kindness, yet recusing to participate in enabling his downward spiral. Thanks for reinforcing that I did what needed to be done, consequences be damned. It was hard, but necessary.